one, two, three,four how many more will walk out that door
five, six, seven, eight once again I'm always replaced
people come, people go, people stay until they get an upgrade.
growing up I moved alot maybe more then normal but the truth is I never really minded it until I got older because that's when "problems" started to happen more frequently.
I never got to close to anyone, and rarely ever joined school sports teams, and I never had a great click with anyone my age who wasn't mentally iffy in the head.
for years I watched other kids play and have friends and just have a social circle. a close knit of friends you know the usual.
it's not that I was ever jealous it's just
I never got attached to sports or people because I never stayed in one place long enough to keep doing it.
iv had favorite teachers, and iv played sports but never on a school team that play against other schools it was within my mini class of like 7 other kids. and that's usually where my only friends resided and even they weren't 100% my friends technically.
I didn't mind being the new kid, I didn't mind not fitting in, I didn't even mind being bullied or taking the fall for others just so they weren't ashamed of whatever it was they did wrong.
because even though I went through all that I knew I wasn't going to stick around for much longer.
I think the hardest part was that no matter how many schools I moved to or how many times I tried I just knew It didn't matter because those people saw me the sake way all the others did.
an "amusement" to get on the teachers good side.
and it's hard because after making 2 or 3 attempts they just stop like what's the point.
and it's hard in some ways I was glad to move because it ment new opportunities, new home, new people, new environment, new everything really.
once I got to high school I made friends one closest then the rest but the rest were my friends nonetheless.
and I went to the malls, movies, restaurants once alcohol and IDs were spoken of.
you know the basic stuff eventually even my best friend who I shared everything with replaced me.
she stopped coming around, stopped messaging, and then the fights began the first 1 or 2 were meh but the last one cut us off for good.
in the end my best friend put a knife in my back along side everyone else she was my best friend I took the blame for her mistakes, I apologized when she didn't want to, and I supported her decisions and aspirations as a individual as well as try to give good advice it didn't always work out for the advice but I was there to try and listen.
I question both myself and her as to how it got to be the way it is.
honestly I think the hardest adaption after high school especially was not having her around she was my rock and she rolled away, what sucks is that i can't see myself Being in a friendship like that again.
people are always saying how its okay to be alone it's scary at first but you'll be fine.
truth is my best friend is the only friend iv ever had who's listened been there the same way I was, even though she put herself in my problems she only did it because she thought she was helping maybe she had different intentions but she was there when nobody else was.
I'm not afraid of being alone iv been alone for years with all my moving around and stuff iv been there done that.
and she was my first anchor to my ship of constant Chaos.
you know I was being responsible at a young age I went to therapy on my own many times and even they gave up on being there for me AND THEIR BEING PAID!!!!!
I'm afraid I'll never be able to find an anchor like that again.
after the official friendship break up I was lost for awhile and it costed me.
I drank loads of alcohol to the point it became unhealthy and then I replaced that with weed and that's worse then I stopped that got a job quit that job got the job I'm at right now and if it wasn't for that first job I wouldn't have sobered up enough to get up and be somewhat normal again.
I found a workplace I enjoy it doesn't Pay enough for me to liv on my own but it does pay the bills I have Right now.
and once I started to open up a bit more I became at a "stuck stage" where I'm not super healthy but not where I was.
I even managed to find a few friends there, we're not like super close but I enjoy being around them even though I can tell they don't always like being around Me.
I'm just glad someone is willingly wanting to talk to me about stuff and not just boring stuff but interesting stuff too like randos that have come in.
I'm not even mad that I was bullied, or singled out, or even replaced.
honestly I would have replaced me too.
it hurt oh boy did it ever impact me growing up.
but that's okay a good price of advice is this
you may not be where you wanna be or even where you pictured yourself but be glad your not where you used to be.
I know I'm not where I saw myself nor do I know where I wanna be aside from on a great vacation.
but I'm so glad I'm not where I used to be.
I'm glad I'm alone because I'm alone, I can now grow even more from past mistakes and even grow as an individual when it comes to new things that are bound to happen.
because being me, myself, and I is the best there is.
after all I'm giving my self a second chance at things I never thought to be possible.
it all starts with a chance.
iv learned things about friendship thanks to previous experiences but just because iv been hurt doesn't mean ill stay hurt, just because I don't have any best friends right now doesn't mean I won't have any.
I'll always be there even when you don't want me there I guess not everyone likes that.
fun little tid bit story for ya ⬇️
once I got into so much trouble by the janitor that she started scolding me because my friend pushed me into a huuuuge empty garbage bin on wheels and i ended up rolling past her office as she was eating.
she low key wanted me to do her job for her so instead I ran away when she got swept up by another coworker talking about a news paper talk about being a bother thank youuuu distraction best part she doesn't even like the news paper hehehe