The Queen of All Eighteen Hells: Part One [Cosplay Cultivator Chap 62]
The case of the Grimoire of Heaven came and went, and things went back to normal for Zhang Long and his squad.
Or so it seemed.
The squad had run into a bout of good luck with all of them getting a chance to use the Grimoire of Heaven, and it looked like the universe wanted to balance out this gift of good fortune by sending a tribulation their way.
Not that Zhang Long was expecting a tribulation the day that it came.
It was a day like any other, after all. They had finished their allocated duties early in the morning and had the rest of the day off, which was nice.
There was a knock at the door of their shared living space, and when Zhang Long opened the door, he almost immediately burst into a cold sweat.
It took every ounce of self-restraint in his body to not slam the door shut in the visitor's face.
"Ah - Jin Zhen! What a surprise!" Zhang Long said. Normally, he would be quite excited to see his fiancé - but the thing was that if Jin Zhen had traveled all the way here, it was probably for a specific reason.
And he had nasty feeling in his stomach regarding what that reason was.
"Well, I had to surprise you," Jin Zhen said, looking slightly annoyed. "You won't ever tell me when all of you are free - so I decided to drop by!" She then peered into the room. "Look! Chen Yu and Yin Tiang are right here!"
"That's uh, that's right but uh - ah! Tang Ze is still out," Zhang Long said, hoping that this would convince her to give up and come back another day. Preferably never.
Only she didn't. She looked slightly disappointed, but was still resolute in her goal. Zhang Long began racking his brain, thinking of a way out of this predicament.
This wasn't about what he had seen while using the Grimoire of Heaven - no, he knew that the real Jin Zhen wasn't like that.
This was about regarding else entirely - what they had been discussing when he had gone to visit her during his earlier solo mission to collect taxes from the village.
A topic that he had hoped she would forget about, though clearly that hadn't happened.
"Hello!" Chen Yu said, seeing that Jin Zhen had dropped by. "Didn't expect to see you here today!" Yin Tiang also stopped whatever concoction he was working to wave towards her.
"Well, this person-" Jin Zhen said, pointing at her fiancé, "-won't tell me when all of you are free so that I can drop by after telling you all when I'll be here." She held up a small basket with ingredients. "I've been wanting to cook up something for all of you!"
"Ah great," Chen Yu said. He had been thinking of going down to the mess for lunch, but this no doubt was going to be far better. Given the slop they served them in the mess hall, Jin Zhen's cooking could only be an upgrade, or so he figured.
"Yeah, why have you been hogging her cooking all for yourself, chief?" Yin Tiang asked.
The two of them were smiling, but Zhang Long had a blank expression on his face as he was screaming internally.
This was… this was close to the worst possible outcome that he could've imagined!
He felt his heart racing in his chest, and his windpipe tightening - but he couldn't see any way out of this! Like a mouse caught in a trap watching as a cat slowly approached, he could only wait and watch as certain doom came ever closer.
Was there truly no way out of this?
He hadn't felt this scared even when facing those manticores back in the secret realm he'd found.
"Um, Jin Zhen, I had uh - official sect business to discuss with them, so you can get started while I have a word with them outside," Zhang Long said, motioning with his head for his two compatriots to join him in the hall.
Jin Zhen obliged and walked in, immediately setting things up, as Zhang Long practically dragged Yin Tiang and Chen Yu out and only spoke in a low voice once they were out of sight and earshot of his fiancé.
"Yo, what gives?" Chen Yu asked. "You're behaving like you saw a ghost."
"Yeah, what's going on?" Yin Tiang asked. Their leader's strange behavior did not go unnoticed by either of them.
"I need the two of you to understand something," Zhang Long said. The words seemed to burn his tongue even as he spoke them. "Jin Zhen… is a horrible cook."
"Is… that all?" Chen Yu asked.
"You don't understand," Zhang Long said, giving the two of them a 'thousand yard stare' one would usually only see from military veterans who were experiencing periods of shell shock. "She isn't just bad. What she makes is basically poison. And I mean that literally - her parents never let her cook, and they usually urge me to never eat what she makes. But, she's my fiancé and I can't really say that to her face, and I can't always say 'no' when she wants to make me something. She's been wanting to make something for all of us… but I wanted to shield you guys from what I have had to endure. It's too late for me - but you guys can still save yourselves. Pretend you suddenly remembered that you have to do something urgent, and I'll eat whatever she makes on my own."
For the sake of his friends, Zhang Long was more than willing to martyr himself.
Chen Yu and Yin Tiang exchanged glances, and then laughed.
"Ah, don't you think you're exaggerating a little?"
"Yeah it can't possibly be that bad."
"No you guys don't understand-" Zhang Long began, seeing that they were not appreciating the gravity of the situation.
"No worries, we won't say anything mean to your fiancé."
"Yeah, that's a promise. Plus, how bad can it possibly be? The food in the mess looks like an alchemical mixture in the process of being refined half of the time. Tastes like one occasionally too."
The two of them walked back in, Zhang Long being unable to continue telling them what kind of minefield they were willingly stepping into.
He shook his head - there was nothing he could do for these two poor souls now.
If there was a silver lining to this, it was that at least, Tang Ze was going to be spared their fate.
While they were waiting for Jin Zhen to finish, a gentle aroma began to fill the room.
"This smells great," Yin Tiang whispered to Chen Yu.
"Yeah, I bet Zhang Long just wanted to hog all of it for himself," Chen Yu said.
Zhang Long, meanwhile, had the face of a prisoner soon awaiting execution.
How could he explain to these two that Jin Zhen's cooking looked and smelled normal most of the time, it was only once you ate it that you realized how bad it was!?
"So, where is Tang Ze right now?" Jin Zhen asked while setting up the plates. "Is he playing dress-up somewhere?" Jin Zhen had been told by Tang Ze that his costumes gave him strength - but she honestly thought that was just a placebo effect and that Tang Ze was strong as is without his costumes.
"Nah, he's getting extra martial arts lessons," Yin Tiang said. "Elder He Xuan authorized him to get special tutoring after he helped-" he suddenly paused, remembering that they weren't supposed to talk about the incident when the Grimoire of Heaven had been stolen to outsiders, "-with something."
"Wow, he really works hard, doesn't he? Practicing even during his time off?"
Meanwhile, With Tang Ze
The martial arts instructor glared at Tang Ze.
The two of them were in a difficult spot - given that Tang Ze was sure the guy was secretly terrified of his strength on some level, but also saw serious potential within Tang Ze. Tang Ze knew this, and the martial arts instructor also knew that Tang Ze knew this.
That was where the awkwardness came from. This was their first one-on-one lesson, after all.
"Alright, it's time for your real training to begin," the martial arts instructor finally said, breaking the ice.
"Yes! I'm ready!" Tang Ze said, happy on some level to at least be doing something he was relatively good at.
"Now, to train properly, you need to do a few things. First off, follow my strict training regimen and wake up early every day to jog - hey wait! Junior! Where do you think you're going?! Come back here, the lesson's just started."
And Back To The Squad
"Yeah, he's a hard worker," Zhang Long said, sorely wishing that all of them could somehow join him in his lesson right now.
But, nothing of the sort was possible. Zhang Long had hoped secretly that there would be some kind of sect emergency and they would then have an excuse to leave.
Unfortunately, things were calm and quiet right now.
In other words, no one came to save them. They had no choice but to endure this tribulation.
Lunch was served, and Jin Zhen clapped her hands and said, "Dig in!"
"Ah, it looks and smells amazing," Yin Tiang said, and Chen Yu though the same. Both of them were now completely convinced that Zhang Long had been pranking them in some way earlier.
However, the moment that they put a small amount of the food in their mouths, their expressions froze.
What was this?!
The food looked normal.
It smelled normal.
How could it possibly taste this bad?
It was even worse when it went into their stomachs, which seemed to instantly want to reject what they had eaten. 'Is… is this just my mind playing tricks on me?' Chen Yu wondered as he took another bite and then his entire body shuddered as if he was having a seizure.
No! It really was this bad.
Yin Tiang also tried another bite. He had once accidentally inhaled some noxious fumes while working on an experiment, and had been sick for two days thereafter.
Right now, he felt sicker than he had during that time.
And then the two of them, despite themselves, took a third bite.
"So, how is it?" Jin Zhen asked expectantly.
'You utter monster! This thing is the worst meal I've ever had! I think I'm going to end up a cripple after eating this! Jin Zhen, everyone knows that you aren't very pretty - the least you could do as a soon-to-be wife is to be somewhat good at this kind of stuff!'- this is what Chen Yu thought, but he couldn't say these words, no matter how much he wanted to scream them at the top of his lungs. For the sake of his friendship, and his friend's love, he had to swallow his anger - which was even harder somehow than swallowing the food, and said, "Sister Jin Zhen, your hands seem to be magical." The magic of a demoness, maybe. "I've never tasted anything like this before in my entire life."
"Oh, you're just flattering me!" Jin Zhen said, a light blush on her cheek.
"No, those words truly are sincere and come from the bottom of my heart," Chen Yu said. They really were, just not in the way that Jin Zhen was thinking!
The Queen of All Eighteen Hells: Part Two [Cosplay Cultivator Chap 63]
'I have a sharp desire to throw myself out the window right now just so I don't have to take another bite. I honestly have no idea what Zhang Long sees in you!' Yin Tiang thought this as he ate, but much like Chen Yu, he couldn't actually express his feelings.
For the sake of his friendship, for the sake of his friend's love, he could only endure!
That was the promise he had made to Zhang Long earlier, after all!
"Ah, this is wonderful, thank you so much for this," Yin Tiang said through gritted teeth. He was basically being tortured, and was being forced afterwards to not only thank the torturer, but to ask for more torture!
This was far too cruel!
The image of Jin Zhen was replaced in his mind by the image of a wicked demoness, who greatly reveled in torturing humans.
"Oh, thank you," Jin Zhen said. "And you?" She turned to her fiancé, who took a bite.
Zhang Long didn't let his feelings show, but instead said, "Wow - Jin Zhen you've really outdone yourself this time!"
By this he meant - 'How in the name of heaven and earth is this even worse than anything I've tasted before? How has her cooking gotten even more terrible with time!'
"Oh, I'm so glad that you all enjoy this!" Jin Zhen said, clapping her hands together.
"Ah - aren't you going to take a bite?" Yin Tiang asked. Even if Zhang Long had never told her her cooking was worse than some of the most deadly poisons known to man, surely she would have figured it out already if she had ever tasted it?
Jin Zhen shook her head. "I'm trying to not pack on too much weight before the wedding, and my mother says it's bad luck to taste your own cooking, so I never do so!"
Her mother had clearly said that to spare her daughter's feelings, though such kindness was the root cause of why the three of them were in so much pain right now.
Jin Zhen sighed. "I do wish that Brother Tang Ze was here though…" He was the one person who she really wanted to thank - after all, he had been the one who had saved her from the Diamond Dust sect members.
"Ah, well, it can't be helped," Chen Yu said. Inwardly, he was thinking, 'If Tang Ze tasted a bit of this cooking, he would've wished he had let them kidnap you. No, actually, I think he would fly away with you and dump you on one of their sect division's doorsteps himself. Sadly, I think that would be considered a declaration of war given your cooking.'
Yin Tiang took another bite, the backlash from which damaged his meridians, causing him to cough up a mouthful of blood.
"Brother Yin Tiang! You're bleeding!" Jin Zhen noticed.
"Don't worry," Yin Tiang said, wiping away the blood and giving her a gentle smile. "This is probably just either pulmonary tuberculosis or lung cancer. Nothing major to worry about."
"If you say so…"
"Mother…" Chen Yu said, taking another mouthful and weeping profusely now, before he wiped away his tears. Yin Tiang had to wipe away his blood, and Chen Yu had to wipe away his tears - both of them felt much the same in that moment, however.
"Ah, does my cooking really remind you of home?" Jin Zhen asked.
"Yes, it reminds me of Mom," Chen Yu said. This was correct, just not the way that Jin Zhen was interpreting it.
In the same way that a small child would call out for his mother when sick or in pain, Chen Yu too was doing the same.
Both Chen Yu and Yin Tiang now realized why it was that Zhang Long cooked breakfast so often - he was practicing for the future. After all, if he didn't want his family to die of poisoning, he would have to do all the cooking after the two of them were married.
Though it felt like they had been forced to walk over a heated copper plate, they were finally done with their portions.
"Seconds?" Jin Zhen asked.
"Sorry… I just can't take another mouthful," Yin Tiang said. "I uh, had a huge breakfast in the mess hall earlier, and I think I'll burst if I have another bite. Thank you though."
"Yeah, same here, the chicken they served today for breakfast didn't taste like it was cooked pigeon for once, so I ended up eating too much of it," Chen Yu said. "Ah, but thank you."
"So, neither of you want more helpings? Not even a little?" Jin Zhen asked, and the two shook their heads.
Perhaps those two could get out of this situation with those words, but Zhang Long knew he had to ask for second helpings. Jin Zhen was his fiancé, and anyway, he had to make it up for those two by showing that he had suffered the most. "Just a little though - I also had too much to eat in the morning."
He had heard comments like 'Brother Zhang Long, you're a cultivator now, you can find someone prettier than Jin Zhen to marry' occasionally from well-meaning but misguided fellow members of his sect. They thought that now that Zhang Long was no longer just a village chief's son, he should look for a more suitable match. Additionally, it wasn't like Jin Zhen's family was really wealthy or could procure rare resources that would help Zhang Long in his cultivation journey either, so other people realized that money wasn't a factor in his decision.
However, Zhang Long always disregarded such comments.
Even if to other people Jin Zhen's looks were below average, to Zhang Long, it was the most comely face in the world.
The face of his childhood friend - a face that he wanted to wake up to see every single morning for the rest of his life.
Others may think of Jin Zhen as being nothing more than a common village girl, but to Zhang Long, she was an existence that sparkled like the rarest and most valuable of gems. Anyone who thought that he was 'settling' by marrying her simply could not see Mt. Tai!
However, love had its dark sides as well. Because he cared about her so much, he couldn't bring himself to tell her that he hated her cooking.
How could he when she served it to him so lovingly?
And so, he knew that if he didn't ask for seconds, she might begin to suspect there was something wrong with what she had made. That was why he was asking for more even though his stomach was screaming for him to decline.
And so, he endured a few more mouthfuls of the slop that Jin Zhen served him.
"It really is too bad that Brother Tang Ze couldn't be here," Jin Zhen said after they were all finished and she was done cleaning up.
Out of curiosity, she went to see Tang Ze's collection of costumes. Her father had often complained that her mother had far too many outfits which took up far too much space, grumbling about how 'woman were all like that', but she wished that he could see Tang Ze's collection.
He had a massive pile of shirts, robes, wigs, nine different pairs of shoes and boots, and several accessories as well.
"Uh, would Tang Ze mind if I looked through some of these?" she asked. She was rather curious, but didn't want to touch any of them if it would offend Tang Ze in any way.
"Nah," Yin Tiang said. All three of them were in too much agony to deny Jin Zhen anything at the moment.
Jin Zhen went through Tang Ze's collection - it was quite impressive, she thought, though she had no clue where he got the designs for some of these clothes. She had never seen some of the patterns or accessories she was examining before!
She had heard Zhang Long mumble to her that Tang Ze was depressed because he couldn't get a girlfriend. She had found that hard to believe - from what she knew, Tang Ze was quite strong, brave, and heroic; women should be flocking to such a man. She had not been told of the incident with Tang Ru by Zhang Long, and as such, was ignorant of that aspect of things.
However, she now felt that she had found the answer as to why Tang Ze was still single right then and there. Women likely didn't want to be with a grown man who still played dress-up like a child; at least, this was the conclusion she had come to.
Waiting for Tang Ze was not an option for Jin Zhen, even if she wanted to.
Visiting hours were limited during the day, and being a woman, she couldn't stay on this side of the sect for too long even if she was Zhang Long's fiancé. They were not yet married, after all. "But maybe next time! I'll leave a little food for him, alright!"
"Sure, thank you!" all three of them managed to somehow get out.
Yin Tiang was actually somewhat happy she had left some of her cooking behind, because he wanted to experiment on it and to isolate what she had put in to make such a deadly poison.
All of them hoped that the pain in their stomachs would eventually subside, but to their horror, it seemed to only get worse.
Several hours later, Tang Ze returned to the room, tired from training, but feeling that all of the effort was worthwhile regardless.
"Hello everyone- what'd I miss…?" Tang Ze began to say as he opened the door, only to see quite the ghastly scene laid out before him.
All three of his squad members were lying on the floor. If it wasn't for the fact that they were breathing, from their positions, he would've thought that they were dead.
"Guys! What happened?"
He rushed towards Yin Tiang.
Yin Tiang slowly opened his eyes. "Ah… Tang Ze… you came back…"
"What happened? Who did this to you?" Tang Ze asked.
"The… Queen of all Eighteen Hells…" Yin Tiang said weakly.
"Huh?" Tang Ze couldn't figure out who Yin Tiang was talking about. Tang Ze had read a lot of web novels back on Earth, and it was a common trope for the hero to return to see their entire village or sect slaughtered after they had pissed off an arrogant young master or someone else like that.
But, he couldn't remember doing that to anyone in recent memory.
And who could strike them while they were in the sect?
From what Yin Tiang said, it was a woman, but other than Tang Ru, who else had beef with them? And Tang Ru, despite her other faults, wouldn't do something like this either given she had no way to come here without breaking the very rules that Tang Ze had gotten in trouble for earlier.
"Who was it?" Tang Ze asked Yin Tiang. "Tell me - with my strength, I'll avenge all of you! Whoever did this will rue the very day they were born!"
"It's… no use," Chen Yu muttered. "Truth is… we did this all to ourselves… check up on Zhang… Long… he ate more than all… of us…"
Tang Ze still wasn't sure what was going on, but he went to go check up on Zhang Long anyway.
Zhang Long had consumed more of Jin Zhen's cooking than the others had, thinking he had built up something of a tolerance to it. While that was somewhat true, it was not enough of a tolerance, and this batch of her cooking had been exceptionally bad.
"Brother… Tang… Ze… please take care of my parents for me… if I don't make it…" Zhang Long said.
Tang Ze still hadn't gotten the name of a culprit, but could tell they all needed a doctor. Or a healer really. "Wait - I'll go ah, do something!" He ran into his room, fiddling with some clothes.
"Chen Yu…?" Yin Tiang asked weakly.
"Yes…?" Chen Yu answered.
"I want to say…. that I forgive everything…" Yin Tiang said. "Also, I was the one who broke that vase your family sent you… sorry about that…"
It was common for people, on their deathbeds, to forgive their enemies and all their grudges, thereby detaching themselves from anything that could keep them within the cycle of Samsara.
"Same here buddy…" Chen Yu said. "I forgive everything too… forget about the vase by the way… I was the one who spilled that Elixir of Heaven's Mercy you had been working on… sorry about… that…"
"No problem…" Yin Tiang said. "Like I said… I forgive you…"
Yin Tiang opened his eyes slightly as he heard footsteps approaching - and he was sure that his eyes were playing tricks on him. Either that, or this was some kind of near-death hallucination.
There was a woman standing in front of him - and it was thankfully not Jin Zhen.
"Ah, jade beauty," Yin Tiang said. "I seem to have gone into Yang crisis - only your Yin energy can save me now!" He and Zhang Long used to make fun of Chen Yu for thinking this kind of tactic was ever going to work, but hey, if he was going to pass away soon, why not give it a shot?
"There's no jade beauty here, idiot!" the woman said in Tang Ze's voice for some reason. Yin Tiang opened his eyes a bit more to note that indeed, this was actually Tang Ze. Why was he dressed up like a woman though?