Judging by Lucifer's reputation, Tanya might have expected his penthouse suite to be a showcase of obscene decadence; instead, it was exquisitely furnished in a stylish and yet understated manner. Clearly, its owner was a man of wealth and taste. A rare combination, she knew. Having lived many lives, she had met hundreds of wealthy people who had no taste whatsoever. Every one of them had imagined themselves to be unique and individual, pioneers and visionaries, who had achieved greatness through their own hard work, effort and intellect; and yet, no matter whether they were kings or emperors, noblemen or businessmen, the ancien régime or the nouveau riche, they all blurred together in her memories as a single homogenized mass, with nothing to distinguish any one of them from the rest. Even their crassness and lack of taste wasn't enough to make them memorable; there were too many others just like them. Once, she had aspired to join them; she had believed that if she worked hard enough she would amass enough wealth and high status that she wouldn't have to work at all. Until she died and was forced to start all over again. Over and over again.
"Now, what would you like?" asked Lucifer, fussing with his drinks cabinet and a selection of cocktail glasses.
He was putting on a show of being a gracious and generous host, which made Tanya suspicious. There was no possibility of his attempting to drug or poison her – she was a supernatural being whose physical appearance was a tiny facet of what she truly was – and what would be the point? It would be churlish of her to refuse his hospitality, which might put her at a disadvantage when they finally got down to business, so she had little choice but to accept. However, it had been decades since she'd had anything to drink – and she couldn't remember what beverages she had enjoyed back when she was mortal – so she didn't have an answer for him. Instead, she put on an insouciant air and said, "Surprise me."
"Oh, I can certainly do that." He smirked. "But I want you to enjoy it. That's the tricky part."
For a few minutes, he busied himself with various bottles and kitchen appliances – including a coffee machine – while Tanya wondered if this was some kind of peculiar dominance display. Was Lucifer deliberately making her wait in order to demonstrate the fact that, even though she was now the ruler of Hell while he was masquerading as a mere nightclub owner, he still had power over her? He had taken on the appearance of an ebullient young man who was enjoying life to the fullest, but how much did that reflect the truth? Was his current behavior because he was determined to spread his enjoyment around as much as possible? Or was there some sinister motive lurking underneath?
At last, Lucifer presented Tanya with a cocktail glass filled with a dark liquid, topped with creamy froth and three coffee beans floating in it.
"An espresso martini," he said, handing it to her. "Let me know what you think."
Tanya took a sip and found it to be surprisingly palatable. Coffee mixed with vodka and sugar. Rather pleasant, actually. She suddenly recalled that there had been a time when she had enjoyed coffee very much. But maybe that was because of who she'd been drinking it with: someone she'd lost a long, long time ago.
When she opened her eyes, she saw Lucifer was waiting for some kind of reaction, so she gave him an approving nod and said, "Good choice. Thank you."
"It was my pleasure," he replied, with a self-satisfied smile, sipping from his own glass of something fiery orange and garnished with lemon peel.
There was silence, for a few moments, as both of them continued sipping at their drinks and waiting for the other to speak. Tanya had nothing to prove and her patience was not unlimited, so she didn't try to wait him out. Instead, she said, "I expect you're wondering why I'm here."
"This isn't just a social call? What a shame." He sighed extravagantly. "All right, I'll bite. What's this about?"
"Business opportunities," said Tanya. "I'm here to make you an offer."
Lucifer's lips twitched and for a moment Tanya suspected that he was about to make an off-color joke. He restrained himself with visible effort and said, "What could you possibly offer me? I have everything I want."
"A peaceful, pleasant retirement, surrounded by luxury. I envy you."
"If I wanted more, I'd still be the ruler of Hell," said Lucifer.
"And what will happen when the Apocalypse comes?" asked Tanya.
Lucifer looked suspicious. "Does it matter? I am doomed to be defeated in the final battle between good and evil. And there's nothing I, you or anyone can do about it." There was a brief, agonized pause before he continued: "That's why I'm here. If I have no choice but to lose, then I refuse to play."
"Which is something you've chosen to do. And the fact that you were able to choose suggests that perhaps your fate isn't as predetermined as you might believe."
In a deadened, passionless voice, Lucifer said, "I hope you're right. But I'm sure I'll be forced into my prophesied role sooner or later. God is not mocked."
"I refuse to give up. I will fight on until the end," said Tanya. "Perhaps I have no hope of winning, but I will continue to try."
"There was a time when I thought the same. But that was millions of years ago."
"And that is why I'm here. First of all, I offer you amusement and entertainment: I'll let you watch as I thrash about like a fly caught in a web, hopelessly trying and failing to escape my destiny. You can enjoy the feeling of smug superiority when you think about how you 'told me so'. And if somehow I succeed… my victories will be your victories. You'll have achieved everything you ever wanted without having to lift a finger."
"Except that you want something from me in exchange," said Lucifer. "What is it?"
"First, I need information. Tell me about the Apocalypse."
"Oh, that. You can read about it in the Book of Revelation, in the Bible. I'm surprised you haven't already."
Tanya gave a slow and doubtful nod. "But is it all true? Seas of blood, stars falling from the sky, armies of locusts with the teeth of lions, and so on?"
"True enough. With a certain degree of artistic license, of course. You know what prophets are like." He paused and considered for a moment. "Or maybe you don't. But I'm certain that you'll understand they need to maximize their profits somehow."
"So, is it true or not that you will be bound in chains and thrown into the bottomless pit for a thousand years? And then tormented for the rest of eternity in a lake of fire and brimstone?"
Lucifer's habitual smirk wavered, like a waning candle. "I hope not. But there's nothing I can do about it that I haven't already done."
"What about the Antichrist, whose destiny it is to bring about the Apocalypse? Or maybe that's not the case? There are multiple different interpretations of what's written in the Bible about him, so I'm not sure what to believe. Still, he's supposed to be your son, isn't he?"
"Yes. He is."
"You must have known what would happen when you fathered him. It's a shame you couldn't 'keep it in your pants', as they say."
When he spoke again, there was a rumble of anger in Lucifer's voice, like a distant storm. Fires gleamed behind his eyes. "You're assuming I had a choice."
Tanya's eyes widened just a fraction. "You were raped?"
"No."
"But… you didn't have a choice?"
"No. I didn't," said Lucifer, through gritted teeth.
"That sounds like rape to me," said Tanya.
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Hmm. I suppose it doesn't matter now. What's done is done."
"The past is in the past," Lucifer agreed, with some relief.
"How old is he now?" Tanya wanted to know. "The Antichrist, I mean."
"About eight years old."
"Which means we probably have less than a decade before the Apocalypse begins. Hardly any time at all."
"You should talk to Crowley about it. He's the one who's been keeping tabs on the boy."
"Oh, I will," Tanya assured him.
"The last I heard, he seemed like a perfectly ordinary child. Although presumably that will change when he gets closer to adulthood. And then he'll be taken to the fields of Megiddo where the final battle between good and evil will be fought." Lucifer rolled his eyes at that. "Everything has been very carefully stage-managed, you see. It's God's will."
"So, no matter what I do, what plans I make or what I achieve, it's unlikely to make any difference in the end. I'm going to lose anyway." Tanya heaved an exasperated sigh. "Well, what else is new? That's the way it's always been."
"I'll drink to that," said Lucifer, downing the rest of his cocktail and slapping it down on the counter. "Personally, I'm determined to make the most of the time I have left. If I have to lose, I might as well enjoy myself in the meantime."
"Which is why you subcontracted your job to me. Thank you for that, by the way."
Lucifer recovered his smirk. "Anytime." Then, in a more serious tone, he continued, "It was a rigged game from the start and I couldn't be bothered to play anymore. So I cashed in my chips and walked away. Maybe it was wrong of me to expect you to take over from me, but would you honestly have preferred it if I'd left you in that torture chamber?"
"No, certainly not," Tanya admitted.
"Besides, I was out of ideas, but you still had some hope. More than a little spite and defiance. And you were determined not to let 'Being X' win. I thought you'd do a good job."
"I see." Tanya paused, lost in thought for a moment. She knew there wasn't anything she could do about the apocalypse – at least not yet, not until she had thoroughly researched the problem, taken stock of her various assets and potential allies, and devised multiple possible solutions - so she decided to instead focus on a problem she could solve: finding ways to keep her demonic employees busy and happy so they wouldn't rebel against her again. Then, when that was done and her position was secure, she would turn her full attention to staving off the apocalypse. Having come to a decision, she said, "Well, I hope I can live up to your expectations. With that in mind, I have some ideas I'd like to discuss with you."
"Color me intrigued," said Lucifer. He gave Tanya a significant glance, as if to indicate that she should keep talking.
"I'm sure you've heard that recently there was a rebellion in Hell. I defeated the rebels, but many of my employees are still restless and unhappy. To have the best chance of preventing future rebellions, I need to make sure they are adequately compensated for their work."
"When I ruled Hell, most of the rank-and-file demons were perfectly happy so long as they could torture the damned as much as they liked. Is that no longer the case?"
"Such torture is cruel and pointless. I have put a stop to it, except for those who have committed the most heinous sins."
"And in doing so you deprived your 'employees' of their main source of entertainment. Didn't you think that might cause problems?"
Tanya hesitated. "Perhaps I did, but I didn't care enough to do anything about it."
"But now you do? Wonderful," said Lucifer, with a sardonic laugh. "I look forward to hearing exactly how you think I can help with that."
"I need to ensure my employees are adequately compensated for their work. However, there are several obstacles I need to bypass before I can do that. First, even now the demon population has been reduced by more than half, since most of the rebels have been killed or imprisoned, there just isn't enough for them to do. I suppose I could give them more paperwork, but they would hate it, no one would ever bother to read it, and I suspect it would cause a mutiny, which would defeat the purpose."
"I'm not sure how you think I can help with that. Unless this is your roundabout way of asking if I need any more bartenders or bouncers here at Lux. I don't, but it's an intriguing thought."
Tanya put on her best impression of a friendly smile. "It is, isn't it? Your nightclub would be an excellent place for certain trusted demons to acclimate themselves to the mortal world, under your watchful eye."
"That sounds like fun. Actually, no." Lucifer grimaced. "That sounds about as much fun as a wine-and-shotgun-tasting party."
"It would only be for those who've truly earned it, who can be trusted not to abuse the privilege," Tanya assured him.
"If you need agents in the mortal world, why not recruit a few humans to do your bidding?"
"Because I'll need them to do things humans cannot."
"Well, that's up to you. I trust you know what you're doing," said Lucifer, dubiously.
"I want to find something useful for my employees to do, so they can take pride in their work. Not just worthless sinecures. And I'll make sure they get fairly paid. To do that, I plan to introduce a system of currency to Hell. One that isn't based on human souls."
"Fiat money? It could work, I suppose." Lucifer paused, looking contemplative. "Actually, considering that Hell would be a closed system in which you'd control the money supply, how much your 'employees' earn and what they can buy with it, it could work very well."
"I had planned to introduce an exchange rate, so it will be possible to convert 'Hell money' into dollars, yen and other Earth currencies."
"I'm sure the Chinese will be delighted. But why bother?"
"By amassing money here on Earth, I'll gain power and influence. Just like you have," said Tanya. "And I want my employees to enjoy the benefits of my success."
"Which implies that you intend to let them loose on the mortal world after you've paid them. Do you really think that's wise?"
"Only the ones who can be trusted to behave themselves, like I said before."
"You could very easily start off the 'final battle between good and evil' a few years ahead of schedule," Lucifer warned her. "Which you're even less likely to win since you've reduced the size of your army by more than half."
"Don't worry. Only a very small number of demons will be permitted to access the mortal world. The rest will find plenty to entertain them in Hell. I've ordered the building of a gladiatorial arena, a casino, a pachinko parlor and various other entertainment venues."
"And people say I'm evil."
"Evil or not, you could be very helpful to me. We could help each other," said Tanya, raising a pondering finger to her chin. "You are a wealthy businessman and have many useful contacts across a wide range of different spheres. I need seed capital and contacts to help me start up my new business ventures here on Earth. And I would, of course, make sure that you got a healthy return on your investment."
"Seed capital? Can't you just steal money from the bank accounts of the deserving? By which I mean Nazis, murderers and so on: people who deserve to have money stolen from them. Not those who are particularly needy and virtuous. Unless you want to, of course. Don't let me stop you."
"There needs to be a paper trail, so anyone investigating my new businesses can see where the money has come from. After all, Al Capone was brought down by the federal authorities for tax evasion, not for his involvement in bootlegging, protection rackets or the Saint Valentine's Day massacre. Everything about my new businesses should seem entirely legitimate, even if it isn't."
"I suppose that makes sense," Lucifer admitted.
"Mind you, I've heard that these days the IRS doesn't bother to investigate the rich and powerful who can make it exceedingly difficult for them to do their jobs. Instead, they go for the 'low-hanging fruit': the stupid, hapless and misguided. Eventually, I will have nothing to fear from the IRS and other federal authorities, but until then I will make sure that everything seems legitimate."
"Smoke and mirrors. I see. But how are your new businesses going to earn money here on Earth? What goods and services will you provide?"
"I think mining could be very lucrative. Demons can easily travel to places that would be difficult and expensive for humans to access - deep underground, in outer space or at the bottom of the sea, for example - and thereby extract resources such as rare earths and precious metals." Tanya paused, considering for a moment. "I have lived on many different versions of Earth and this one is somewhat unusual. Human society is much more technologically advanced than I had expected, thanks to geniuses such as Lex Luthor and Michael Holt. But that just means it has an even more insatiable need for raw materials, which Black Diamond Inc. will provide for a suitable fee."
"How will you explain where these resources are coming from? Sooner or later, someone in authority will want to know. Maybe it'll be the IRS, maybe it'll be some other investigative body. I'm sure you're not planning to tell them that you've been sending demons to mine asteroids?"
"Black Diamond Inc. will use new technologies to extract minerals from spoil heaps, clapped-out mines and other unlikely sources that previously wouldn't have been economically viable. At least, that is what any investigators will be told. And they will be shown plenty of evidence, so they will have no reason to doubt it."
"I get the feeling that you've done this before," said Lucifer, sounding amused. "Or you've spent a long time thinking about this."
"Indeed," said Tanya, finishing the last of her drink and carefully setting it down. "But that's not the only business venture I have planned. I'm also planning to take over the criminal underworld. A small part of it, at least."
"I hadn't expected that, but go on."
"Certain things are somewhat harmful to individuals, but cause much more harm to society because they have been made illegal. The best example I can think of is alcohol. Alcoholism ruins lives and destroys families, but when it was banned in the USA during the Prohibition Era, the result was a disaster. Suddenly, small-time thugs who'd previously been armed with bricks and baseball bats were able to afford tommy guns. Bootlegging made gangsters incredibly rich – and they were able to use that money to expand their gangs, buy weapons, bribe officials and commit much worse crimes. Nearly a hundred years have passed since the end of the Prohibition Era and it is now perfectly legal for adults to drink alcohol in this country, but there are still plenty of opportunities for gangsters to become extremely rich by committing crimes many people don't care about."
"All those murders, for example," said Lucifer, with a humorous nod.
Tanya narrowed her eyes at him. "No. I meant gambling, selling marijuana and so on. Gambling laws tend to be rather inconsistent and hypocritical – and there are plenty of opportunities for organized crime to get involved. And although there are physical and mental health risks associated with marijuana, it's usually considered to be less dangerous than alcohol. In some places it's legal. In many places where it's illegal, that doesn't mean it's unavailable; it just means that criminal gangs make vast amounts of money supplying the demand that isn't being met legally. Many people don't think there's anything wrong with buying or selling 'just a little hash', despite the fact that by doing so they are giving money to criminals who will use it to finance much more serious crimes: smuggling weapons and hard drugs, human trafficking, modern slavery, and so on."
"I'm impressed by your rhetoric. If you were a politician, I might consider voting for you," said Lucifer, sarcastically clapping his hands together. "But instead of campaigning, trying to change the law and telling children to 'Just say no', you're planning to take over the supply. An innovative approach, for sure."
"I'll flood the market with cheap, high-quality marijuana and drive all of my competitors out of business," said Tanya. "Which means they won't be using the money to commit worse crimes. It's practically a public service."
"Yes, I'm sure you would be a candidate for sainthood if you hadn't already been condemned to Hell."
Tanya wrinkled her nose at that.
"Actually, you might as well take over the smuggled cigarette industry as well. Worldwide, it's worth tens of billions," said Lucifer. "Despite the fact that cigarettes are perfectly legal. It's just that people don't want to pay tax."
"Yes, good idea."
"Cocaine as well. Sure, it's dangerous, but considering how many politicians, media celebrities and business executives are fuelled by the stuff, I've always thought there was something faintly insincere about all the hand-wringing and pearl-clutching, the draconian laws, harsh prison sentences and advertising campaigns intended to discourage its use. And I enjoy it, so if you can provide me with a steady supply for a reasonable price – cheaper than my current supplier – I'd be interested."
"Something to think about for the future, perhaps," said Tanya, noncommittally.
"But you must know that your competitors won't take this lying down. They will fight back. If they can, they'll kill your suppliers, kill your distributors and kill anyone else who might possibly be involved. Your actions will start a brutal gang war that will engulf much of the world. You seem to think of yourself as a fairly moral person, so how do you feel about that?" asked Lucifer, giving her a scrutinizing glance.
"The morality of my actions doesn't particularly concern me. I don't need to think of myself as 'the good guy'. I just need to be better than Being X," said Tanya.
"I suppose it would be hard not to be."
"Besides, that brutal gang war is already happening, with or without my involvement. Every day, the global narcotics trade causes immense human suffering, which politicians and law enforcement have been powerless to stop. At best, their efforts have been completely ineffectual; at worst, they are complicit. But I plan to do something different. Capitalism will be my weapon. In Hell, I can create vast areas of land in which drug crops can be grown and harvested, then the resulting products will be transported through interdimensional portals to wherever they need to go. All for a very low cost, which will enable me to keep prices low. I'll outcompete the drug lords and make it economically unviable for them to continue in the trade."
"Do you think your demonic 'employees' will want to work in the fields? That doesn't seem very likely to me," said Lucifer. "And I doubt they'll be good workers. Or that it'll dissuade them from thoughts of rebellion."
"I expect most of the workers will be condemned sinners who will volunteer to do it as an alternative to their regular punishments."
"Oh yes, 'volunteer'." The smirk made its triumphant return.
"I'm sure they'll find it preferable to whatever punishments my subordinates have devised for them. And they'll have good working conditions and a chance to earn special privileges." Tanya paused. She glared at Lucifer in a way that had caused many brave men to quail. "It gives you great pleasure to point out when you think I'm being hypocritical, but what about you? You seem to think of yourself as a fairly harmless, happy-go-lucky, fun-loving sort of person, undeserving of the hideous punishment that Being X bestowed upon you. But earlier you mentioned your fondness for cocaine, every gram of which is a monument to human misery: to slave labor, ecological devastation, the grooming and exploitation of children, and harrowing turf warfare. How do you feel about that?"
Lucifer reached for his empty cocktail glass and fastened his fingers around the stem. "I hadn't really thought about it," he admitted. "Still, before long, I'm sure you can provide an ethically sourced alternative."
"Provided that you help me to get started," said Tanya, giving him an expectant look.
"Yes, you want 'seed capital' and access to some of my business contacts. Fine. You've convinced me." Lucifer sighed. "Let's get down to business. What exactly do you need from me?" He hesitated briefly, picked up his glass and added, "Actually, would you like another drink first?"
"No, thank you," said Tanya. "But feel free, if you need one."
When she first explained her plans to them, most of Tanya's demonic employees looked bemused. Later, when they'd had time to think about what she'd said, some of them seemed intensely curious about what was going to happen as a result of her clever scheming, others were excited by the possibility of regular pay and things to spend it on, and there were a few who loudly proclaimed that they had the utmost faith in her leadership – which made her very suspicious, except when Scumspawn said it. Still, all of them were willing to follow orders with a minimum of complaint, which she counted as a victory.
And then there were those who had an eye for opportunity. These included Chantinelle and the other succubi, who sent a delegation to meet with her to discuss a business proposition they thought she might find intriguing.
"You want to take over Earth's criminal underworld. We want to be part of that," said Chantinelle, speaking slowly and deliberately, with all the exquisite care of a master sculptor chipping away at a block of marble. "We want to help you to achieve your long-term strategic goals."
"How?" asked Tanya.
"We want to take over the sex industry!" cried Kariselle, with a cheerful grin.
Some of her sisters sighed and rolled their eyes in exasperation. Chantinelle's professional smile was shaded with strained patience.
"You want to make pornography?" asked Tanya, furrowing her brow at them.
Kariselle bobbed her head up and down. "Well, yes! But not just that!"
"Many of the things you said about the narcotics trade are also true of the sex trade. The fact that in many places prostitution is illegal doesn't mean it doesn't happen; it just means that the high demand is met by the shadow economy, which enables pimps, brothel owners and criminal gangs to make vast sums of money. Because it is entirely unregulated, it often involves coercion, exploitation and human trafficking," said Chantinelle. "We want to put a stop to that."
In several of her past lives, Tanya had fallen in love and settled down with the man or woman of her dreams - of course, dreams were such transient things - until death had separated them. She'd long since explored her sexuality to her satisfaction. But she'd never had any particular interest in sex for its own sake. For her, it was always a deeply intimate act of love and trust, an expression of everything she felt for someone who was dear to her, so they would know how much she cherished them and enjoyed their company. And she had wanted them to enjoy it too. But now… she was unsure as to whether she found the subject Chantinelle had brought before her distasteful or mind-numbingly tedious.
She forced herself to ask, "How?"
"In much the same way as you plan to take over the drug trade. We'll outcompete the illicit brothels, escort agencies and so on, provide protection to any sex workers who need it, and free any victims of human trafficking we come across."
Tanya was impressed despite herself. It was evident that Chantinelle and her sisters' plan had been deftly designed to appeal to her specifically. However, she was still suspicious of their motives.
"And then you'll drain the life energy from your clients while you're having sex with them," she said, in a bored monotone.
"No, not at all," said Chantinelle.
Tanya glared at her with all the ferocity she could muster.
The succubus seemed to wilt under the force of her gaze. "I mean… just a little. Hardly more than a pinprick."
There was a long pause. Finally, Tanya said, "If I allow you to do this, you must follow my rules. If I find out you've broken any of these rules, I'll throw you in the Bottomless Pit myself." She took a deep breath, just for dramatic effect. "First, you must do no permanent harm to any human being.
"What? We can't defend ourselves if we get attacked by gangsters?" asked one of the other succubi whose name Tanya didn't know.
"I didn't say that. Of course you may defend yourselves. Subdue your assailants, tie them up and hand them over to local law enforcement."
Most of the succubi looked unhappy about that, bordering on mutinous.
"What about pedophiles? No one likes pedophiles," said Kariselle. "We can do what we like with them, right? Skin them, dismember them, boil them alive, that sort of thing?"
"I'd prefer it if you would subdue them, tie them up and hand them over to local law enforcement," Tanya repeated herself.
Kariselle pouted. "Why should they have all the fun?"
Ignoring her, Tanya carried on with her list of rules: "Second, all of the sexual acts that take place in your establishments must be consensual. Third, all of your human employees must be of legal age to consent to sexual acts. Fourth, you must assist them in leaving the profession if they want to, for which reason you should provide them with opportunities for education and training." She hesitated. "We'll discuss that in more detail later on."
"Fifth?" Chantinelle prompted her.
"Keep them well-supplied with contraceptives and do everything you can to prevent the spread of sexual disease."
"Other than 'not having sex', obviously," said Kariselle.
Chantinelle heaved a long-suffering sigh. "Anything else?"
"If I think of anything else, I'll add it to the list," said Tanya.
"Thank you for your time. But before we come to any sort of agreement, I'll need to discuss this with my sisters," said Chantinelle.
"Take as long as you need," Tanya replied.
Dr. Raven Sable was a celebrity, a writer and TV personality who'd spent years promoting various pseudoscientific ideas about dieting, health and nutrition, having written a successful book titled D-Plan Dieting: Slim Yourself Beautiful. He had carefully cultivated a certain image, which was why he wore a black suit, black shoes and black tie to match his dark skin, black hair and trim black beard. There was something very inhuman about him, which Tanya noticed even if most humans wouldn't. They might have seen his rawboned, hungry look, his dark gray eyes and pointed teeth; but the fact that he was a walking void, absorbing excessive amounts of light all around him and changing the world to shades of monochrome, would have been beyond the limits of their perceptions. Tanya, of course, had no such limits.
Moreover, she was nonplussed when he walked into her new office, in the new headquarters of Black Diamond Inc. and offered to supply her with unlimited amounts of appetite suppressant medication.
"Are you calling me fat?" she asked, giving him a withering glance.
"No, you're perfect," he said, with a sharp-toothed grin. "But then, you're already dead."
Tanya reached for the button on her desk marked 'Security'.
Before she could press it, he said, "I'm Famine, one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse. You're Lucifer's replacement. I think we can help each other. You want to make money and I want to give people what they want: a way to lose weight and be beautiful."
"With semaglutide injections," said Tanya, examining the packet he'd brought with him.
"It's medication. The same as you could buy from any chemist," said Famine. "If you make it cheap and widely available through one of your new 'business ventures', there won't be any more shortages, diabetics will get the medication they need, celebrities and dieters can slim themselves beautiful, and you'll make millions."
"You want people to starve themselves."
"They want to be slim and pretty and healthy, but they lack the willpower to stop eating sweets and fatty foods. I just want to help them with that," said Famine. "I'll give them bodies beyond their wildest imaginings."
"Hmm." Tanya looked contemplative. "How much do you want for these?"
"I'll give them to you for free. I'm a philanthropist."
"How very convenient." Privately, Tanya resolved to have several batches sent to a lab to check their chemical composition and how much was contained in each dose. She thought it best to find out if they genuinely contained semaglutide and not rat poison or anything similarly noxious, as well as making sure that the quantity of the active ingredient in each dose was suitable for their intended use.
"I have no need to poison anyone or force them to do anything they don't want to do. I just give them what they want," said Famine, putting on a cheesy grin. "They do it to themselves. That's what makes it so… delicious."
Tanya supposed there was no problem with people wanting to be slim and healthy, provided that they didn't overdo it. But the anthropomorphic personification of Famine definitely wanted them to overdo it, which was a problem. Still, his proposition had some merit. "I'm inclined to accept your offer, but I haven't finished setting up my new business ventures just yet, so it will take some time to begin distribution," she said. "For now, I'd appreciate it if you'd tell me about the Apocalypse."
"What do you want to know?" he asked.
"When is it going to happen?"
"In about three years' time. The Antichrist will come into his inheritance, my fellow Horsemen and I will ride out; the Earth will be divided up between us and we will be given power to kill with the sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the Earth. The sun will become as black as sackcloth and the stars will fall from the sky. Then, the final battle between good and evil will begin." Famine heaved a sigh of blissful anticipation.
"A battle we're destined to lose," said Tanya.
"Not necessarily. There wouldn't be much point in having a fight if the outcome had already been decided. I'm rooting for you," said Famine, giving her a thumbs-up.
"There are certain people – and divine beings – who enjoy parading their superiority over a helpless opponent. Nevertheless, thank you. You've been very helpful."
"Hey, if you have any more questions, feel free to get in touch," said Famine, maintaining his thumbs-up and cheesy grin.
"I will." Tanya nodded. "Thank you."
He went away and she carried on with her work. She had so much to do and very little time in which to do it.