Sharrup! I know, you big bully." I snapped out at the Basilisk's screech, briefly turning my gaze behind me as I rolled my eyes. Turning back ahead, I started walking down the large pathway, the Basilisk's idle movement at the back of my mind as it slithered back into its hole.
Overall, this entire journey had turned out to be a bust. The Basilisk, while entirely willing to co-exist with me, didn't feel the same about my friends.
In the parchment's words, the Basilisk would've gobbled 'em the first chance it got.
Thankfully, it was willing to agree not to search them by itself. Unfortunately, that meant I couldn't introduce them.
Though the bigger disappointment was that fanon had very clearly led me astray in regards to the Chamber of Secrets.
Apparently, there was just one secret. The Basilisk. And literally nothing else.
Salazar quite literally built an entire underground dungeon for an oversized lizard.
No secret books, no secret spells, hell not even a single artifact.
Reaching the giant stone gateway, I promptly placed the parchment before it and activated it, watching as it slowly started to open up.
According to what the Basilisk recalled of its first master, and his clique, it was that the founders generally just didn't believe in leaving any heirlooms but the ones that best described them, and their attributes. Godric chose a sword because he was the OG hipster wizard, Salazar chose a locket because he fancied himself so much he wanted to always have a reminder around his neck. Rowena chose a diadem because she was too busy studying and couldn't care less. And Helga chose a cup because she had a drinking problem. The bottom line was- I blinked the moment the giant circle completely opened up. -They all wanted to be remembered specifically for the castle itself and feared anything else would overshadow it.
Tl;dr The Basilisk was clearly delusional and didn't have a clue as to where the real secrets were hidden.
"Hello there Headmaster!" I called out cheerfully as I took in the frowning man's expression, my fellow friends all stood just behind him apprehensively. Walking through the gateway, I promptly reactivated the parchment, closed the door, and gave Remus his wand back.
"So. To what do we owe the pleasure?" I questioned amiably, though for whatever reason the Headmaster seemed more interested in the parchment- And presumably everything else.
"Sirius..? You're unhurt?"
I blinked in response and started patting my body warily. "I think so, all my organs are still physically there." I deadpanned. "What makes you ask?"
The headmaster's gaze turned from the parchment towards me, his gaze was unreadable.
"...The skin shedded all around here, suggests the existence of a dangerous beast... It is fortunate that you didn't run into it." The man let out a sigh, though he refused to move as his gaze turned down towards the parchment on the ground.
"No, no. I ran into it. Nice guy, have to say." I shrugged, rolling up the parchment.
"You did?" The old man whispered warily. "I wasn't aware the Black family had a connection to-"
"Not a parseltongue," I remarked waving my hand. "Just really good at abusing loopholes."
"...You do not seem hurt- Did your... Loophole prevent the basilisk from attacking you?"
I snorted.
"Don't be ridiculous." A single beat passed. "It didn't attack me because it thinks I am one of them."
"...It mistook you for having Salazar's blood?"
"Nah, it mistook me for a pint-sized Basilisk."
He blinked in response.
That, evidently was enough to finally break the silence from my three friends as Snape, eloquently, asked- "What?"
"...An albino Basilisk?" I followed on.
The headmaster eventually let out a wary sigh and shook his head.
"I am afraid we must get a move on- And I must insist that none of you find yourselves traveling to this chamber again. It is far too-"
"No. Basilisk wants some company, it gets lonely." I promptly spoke over the man as I crossed my arms. When the headmaster's gaze narrowed the slightest in apprehension, I rolled my own. "Oh relax, it won't hurt me. It already tried to kill me with its death eyes and failed."
The headmaster hitched a breath.
"It genuinely thinks I am a Basilisk. Tried to feed me too. Was really weird."
The headmaster blinked once, twice, and promptly turned around on the spot and started walking away, Snape and Remus on his heel while James Potter fell in step with me.
"Hey Sirius, have I told you you're actuallycrazy yet?"
"Not that I recall."
"Well, consider yourself told."
"Cool."
"You know we're all in trouble right?"
I snorted.
"You're all in trouble. I've got a pet Basilisk."
Dumbledore took in a deep breath at the words and promptly sped up.
"I will see you in my office Mr Black."
"Can I bring-"
"No."
"But you haven't even-"
Dumbledore turned around on the spot, wariness once again filling his expression. "Sirius, it is a matter of critical importance that you never bring that Basilisk out of its chamber."
"...Fine- Wait does this mean you'll let it stay!?" I questioned eagerly.
"...It..." The man let out a resigned sigh. "Deserves to call this place its home as much as any other."
Myrtle would disagree.
I didn't even need Potter to jab to know I'd said that out loud.
"...Alas, I do believe the fault there lies in the hands of... A former-"
I nodded my head. "Tom Riddle, apprising hypocrite."
To Dumbledore's credit, he didn't skip a beat, though the uncomfortable aura he was sporting grew in leaps and bounds as his gaze minutely seemed to turn around the slightest to appraise me. Though he said nothing else for the rest of the journey.
"It'd be real funny if Riddle somehow wound up in the Basilisk's belly, don't you think?"
Unfortunately, that seemed to be the wrong thing to say, as the moment we exited the underground chamber in its entirety, the headmaster immediately sent away the others and led me straight to his office, quiet all the way.
I'd genuinely thought this was going to be a group thing...
The moment we reached his office, I found myself out of my depth for the first time since I'd arrived in the castle as I took in the wizards already waiting there.
"Hello there, Sirius." Orion Black greeted me, an expectant expression on his face. A glint practically shining through his eyes.
"Father." I nodded my head, before turning to and grinning at the other wizard right next to him. "Racially charged Santa Claus." I tipped my head towards my grandfather.
Needless to say, judging by the barely concealed anger on the older man's face, I had a feeling I would've been called here regardless of the fact I'd gone out to meet the big lizard downstairs. "So, what'd I do this time?" I deadpanned.