I can never forget the faces of my own siblings, yet… I couldn't help but stare at them with dismay.
Is it truly them...? Are they truly the siblings that I thought I would never see again?
My whole body stayed frozen. I dare not blink even once, thinking if I do, I may never see them again...
Chun-Jan tilted his head with confusion before gently placing his hand on my shoulder, looking worriedly at me. "Brother, is something wrong?"
I slowly glanced at the hand he placed on my shoulder. The warmth of his hand is real… I anxiously look back at him, my mouth quivering as I tried to force out an answer. "... Chun-Jan...? Minji...? Is that you...?"
Chun-Jan looked at me questionably before smiling brightly. "Yeah, it's me brother. Who else would I be?"
Minji suddenly stood up. She began walking towards me until she stood in front of me. "You look quite feverish." She gently places her hand on my forehead. "Do you feel unwell?"
The warmth emitted by both their hands are real... I never thought that I would have the chance to be with them again after my death. Standing by their side, talking to them, and just feeling the current air breeze between us as time went by from my grey, distilled world of misery.
But this time, that grey world is no longer haunting me. Even if this is just a dream that I would soon be forced to forget, I have the opportunity to talk to them as a true human being.
I closed my eyes, slowly shaking my head with a subtle smile. "I feel fine." I bitterly glanced at them. "I'm just..." I momentarily paused before looking down at the ground. "I'm just happy to see you both right now..."
Minji removes her hand from my forehead before looking worriedly at Chun-Jan, who then places his hand around my shoulder before bringing me closer to him. "Is that so?" He shows a bright smile once again before looking at Minji. "I'm always happy whenever we have the chance to hang out like this together. As a family."
Minji lets out a small smirk, crossing her arms while slowly shaking her head. "Quite unconventional. You seem happier to be with brother than when you're with me."
Chun-Jan sticks out his tongue at her as he brings me closer to him. "At least he treats me better than you do. All you do is badmouth me whenever we're together. What kind of sister does that?"
Minji shrugs as she looks away from him. "A realistic one. Brother only spoils you because you act like a child around him. Someone must treat you like a proper adult you know..."
Chun-Jan removes his arms around me before standing defensively in front of her. He crosses his arms, looking annoyed. "Hey! At least I don't prioritize school before family!"
She scoffed before glaring back at him. "And that is why your grade is bad."
He tilts his head with annoyance "That's far from true! You know I am second in our grade!"
She lets out another sarcastic scoff. "Second? That's even worse..."
He closes his eyes with frustration before turning away from her. "Just because you're first doesn't mean you're better than me!"
She flicks over her hand towards his response. "Hmph! Is no use talking some sense to someone like you."
I continue to look at their bickering. Moments that I thought I wouldn't see any more appeared once again...
Their bickering, their voices, their expressions.
I missed them so much...
I don't know why… but I just began laughing out loud.
When was the last time I showed such a laugh in front of them? Did I even show them such a laugh before? Is it because of the experience in the new world that I can show my emotions so clearly without faking it?
I feel relieved... I can finally show them my true emotions.
Even if it's all a dream...
I opened my eyes before showing a bright smile. I glanced at them once more. They stared at me with confusion before looking at each other with smiles on their faces.
Chun-Jan looks back at me once again, letting out a small chuckle. "What was that? I've never seen you laugh like that before, brother."
Minji nodded with agreement. "True. I've always seen you act calm and rational, but this side of you… it's nice to see." As she finished her sentence, she slowly smiled warmly at me...
I continued to share my true smile towards them as I slowly looked down at the ground. "... I just feel like I can show you all how I truly feel now..."
"I see..."
Both their faces began to darken. "Then why did you lie to us?"
A heavy shiver went through my spine as my heart sank when I heard those words. I quickly looked up to see them again. Everything got dark, the park, the sky, and their faces. Their once kind eyes now showed utter disgust and hatred as they glared down at me.
My eyes widened with fear. I couldn't stop shaking in fear as I continued to look at their bleak expression. My voice stammered as I tried to force out my voice. "W-What...?"
Chun-Jan slightly tilted his head. "I asked if you wanted to grab something to eat before we head home."
I flinched before looking around me again. Everything went back to normal…
I looked back at them, seeing their happy expression intact. I continued to sit there in dismay, looking away from them with guilt. "A-Ah... If you're both hungry, then I don't mind getting you food..."
Chun-Jan looked excited before closing his eyes and pumping his fist up. "Nice. I feel like eating some Tteokbokki! How about you, Minji?"
Minji strokes her chin as she contemplates for a few seconds. "... I'm craving some Bingsu..."
"Again?! We just ate that yesterday! You'll get fat if you eat such high calorie desserts constantly..."
"Ha!? Say's the one who always eats for two!"
They began their bickering once again.
As I continued to gaze at them emptily, I began to wonder… Was it just my imagination...? But I clearly saw their faces looking at me with pure hatred...
I opened my eyes again. We're suddenly walking down the busy street market near our house. I look around the area. The smell of food fills the air. Street stalls selling countless products from fresh crops and herbs to clothing and accessories.
Chun-Jan and Minji walk in front of me as they hold a cup filled with small pieces of Chicken with a single toothpick stuck in one of the chickens. We continue to walk straight ahead with no clear destination in sight. Chun-Jan grabs the toothpick and puts one of the chickens in his mouth.
"Today was so busy... Just how many exams are left before our break?"
Minji chews on the chopstick before shrugging. "Not much. They're quite simple though, so you don't have to worry about the grade you'll get."
He sighs before putting the chopstick in the empty cup in front of him. "I guess so. But I still have to attend volleyball practice even during the breaks..."
"Seriously?! Isn't that like, illegal or something?"
He shakes his head while he smiles. "Not sure... But the coach has high expectations to make it to the nationals, so everyone in the team has to do their best and train hard."
As I continued to hear about their daily lives, I couldn't help but feel that this dream was too realistic… I can't help but also think that this is exactly the same moment I experienced with them in the past. From their conversation to the exact people who were in the street market…
As I continued to look around the area, someone suddenly called out to us. "Oi! Minji, Chun-Jan, Do-Woon!"
Our gazes quickly shifted to one of the stands. A middle-aged woman waved her hand in front of us, her station filled with countless types of butchered meat that are already prepared and marinated and, in the side, lay some veggie kimbap.
Chun-Jan waves her hand towards her excitedly while showing his usual bright smile. "Auntie! How have you've been?"
She smiles back at him as she wipes her hand in her apron. "Business has been the same, but I haven't seen your parents stop by for a while. Is everything well at home?"
Minji nodded. "They've been busy with work lately."
The women let out a small chuckle. "Their jobs sure keep them busy. Both are well known lawyers, so it's no surprise that clients keep asking for them."
Chun-Jan lets out a laugh. "I guess so… but even then, they always try to make time for us!"
"Right, Right. Well, hope you youngsters are eating well at least. Especially you Do-Woon. You look thinner than when I last saw you."
I let out a small chuckle. "Of course. Let me buy some meat from you."
Chun-Jan walked towards me. "Let me buy them! You already bought us food—"
"It's fine, just make sure to treat me the next time we go out."
He pouts. "You say that, but you end up paying every time..."
I playfully patted his head. "Sorry. My memory is bad, so I forget every time."
"Liar! It's me that always ends up forgetting. You just take the opportunity to pay instead of me!"
I slowly shook my head at his response before looking back at the lady with a smile. "Do you mind packing up three pounds of short ribs and two hundred grams of pork belly and bulgogi?"
"Of course! But it's going to be quite pricey, especially if you're getting them for all three of you. Is that fine?"
I nodded. Once she packed all the food she rang the register. "Okay... it might be too expensive, so I'll bring down the price and throw in some kimbap for you all to enjoy."
"You don't have to do that..."
She smiled back before handing me the bag. "No worries! Just make sure to stop by again!"
I let out a defeated sigh before smiling. I reached for my pocket to get my wallet before I felt a slight tug from my clothes.
I look to see Chun-Jan and Minji looking at me worriedly.
"What's wrong?"
"... You don't have to get them for us if it's too expensive..."
I smiled at his response before grabbing my wallet and handing my card towards the lady. As she took the card, I slowly placed my hand on Chin-Jan's shoulder before looking at them. "It's fine. I don't mind spoiling both of you like this. You both deserve it."
They both still look at me worriedly. But they soon showed a small smile.
"... Thank you, brother..."
"If you're still feeling uneasy, then why don't one of you buy us something to drink from the convenience store?"
Chun-Jan raises his hand. "Me! I'll buy it" He soon runs off. Minji looks towards the direction where he was going before yelling out at him. "Hey, wait! Let me buy it! I doubt you even brought your wallet with you!"
She soon runs behind him before completely disappearing from my sight. The woman soon extended her hand in front of me with my card. "You are a good brother."
I bowed before taking the card with both my hands. "... Thank you." I slowly raised my head, looking anxiously at her as Chun-Jan and Minji went inside the store. "... Do you mind not telling my parents that we came here today?"
The lady tilted her head, looking slightly confused. "Is there something going on?"
I shook my head reassuringly. "I just don't want them to feel bad about us hanging around together without them."
She let out a cackle. "Ha Ha! True, you always hang around as a family. I'll make sure not to hurt their feelings."
I bowed once again. "Thank you..."
Once I looked up again, the same thing happened again. Her face darkened before she looked at me with utter disgust. "But you shouldn't drag your siblings in your mess if you're that worried about them finding out how much of a monster you are..."
I widened my eyes with fear once again.
In that very instant, my face was violently slapped. I touch the area that was hit, slowly looking around to see the apartment that we all lived in just before my death. Spacious with designer furniture and decorations.
I touched the area I was hit once again. It stings...
I looked up to see both my parents in front of me. Mother looked angry. From the way her hand was positioned, it seems that she was the one who just slapped me. I looked at father, who placed both his hands around her to try and calm her down, but didn't worry about my own wellbeing.
Mother grits her teeth before angrily yelling at me. "How dare you take our children around without my permission! What if they became just like you!"
Her exasperated face grew more and more vivid as I finally remembered this exact experience before.
All of this isn't a dream… It's my past...
Her expression grew more impatient as I remained silent. She clenched her hand before her anger burst out of her, screaming at me with so much rage and hatred.
"SAY SOMETHING!"
I looked back at her before respectfully bowing down. "... I'm sorry..."
She aggressively scratched her hair with anger. "... Ha, do you know how angry I felt when the shop keeper said she saw you three hanging around the market the other day?!"
She faced me before she yanked my hair up, forcefully raising my head to meet her furious face. "I bet this isn't the first time you did this..."
She released her grip before the man next to her tried to calm her down.
"Relax... Take a deep breath."
She lets out a scoff before looking at me again with disgust. "... Ha. Every time I see your face, it's alway empty." She clenches her hand in anger. "How did I give birth to a doll– No, to a monster like you?!"
I continued to look down at the ground. Just like before, the empty, grey world soon appeared around me as I couldn't feel anything anymore. It all feels pointless...
"Forgive me, mother–"
Her expression soon stiffened before she glared at me. At that moment, she slapped me once again. Maybe it was coincidental, but the hand that she slapped me with contained her wedding ring, causing the area she slapped me to trickle with my blood.
I stood there unresponsive as I slowly touched the blood in my face.
I got so used to saying the word mother that I instinctively said it to her, despite remembering how much she detests me calling her that…
"How dare you call me that! Never say that word in front of me ever again!"
I slowly nodded to her words as I let the blood trickle down my face.
She soon reached for her phone to check the time before clicking her tongue. "We're going to be late to the appointment, let's go." She snatched her purse from the table before walking towards the door. The man next to her quickly followed, not looking at me once, before I heard the door close and the beep of the lock echo through the silent room.
I stood there motionless before sitting down on the couch.
Even in pain, I couldn't help but let out a relieved sigh. "I'm glad that Chun-Jan is at school practicing and Minji is currently attending cram school at the moment. I don't want them to see me in such a pitiful state–"
The door towards the Minji room creaked open. My heart sank before I quickly looked over.
I could clearly see Minji peeking through the door, hiding.
My heart sank even lower. My eyes widened as my whole body began to shake with fear.
I slowly extended my shaking hand to her. "M-Minji...? What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at the academy?"
The door to her room opened fully as she began walking slowly to me before stopping in her tracks, looking away awkwardly. "... It got canceled today..."
"Ah..." I awkwardly looked away from her. "I see."
Minji slowly looked back at me before seeing the blood running down my face. She quickly stretched out her hand near my face but dared not to touch it. "Are you okay?! Do you want me to treat it?!"
I flinched when I saw her hand get near my face. She quickly retracted her hand to her chest as she saw my reaction. I quickly shook my head. "No, I'll treat it later." I quickly got up from the couch before showing a forced smile. "Sorry you had to see that. Mother and I just had a disagreement, that's all."
Her eyes turned solemnly. She fidgeted her fingers as she continued to anxiously look at me. "How can a disagreement turn violent? What truly happened?"
I took a step back.
I can't tell her... I'm not ready to tell her... I don't even want to tell her... I don't want her to know just how messed up a person I am… I don't want her looking at me just like my parents do…
I continued to force out a smile, brighter and brighter even if it didn't fit the situation as I gently patted her head. "Sorry, but I have to head out to an academic conference, so I won't be back for a few days."
Academic conferences.
The sole excuse I tell my siblings when something like this happens while I treat my injuries and let it heal so they don't worry.
Minji quickly grabbed my arm. "Are you going there looking like that?!"
I snatched my arm away from her. Her surprised face lingered in my mind for a few seconds before I quickly shook my hand in denial, looking away desperately. "Sorry, but I really have to go now.. I'll make sure to treat it later..."
I peeked at Minji's face. A tear began to run down her face. I quickly shifted my gaze to her with worry while stretching my hand towards her. "What's wrong?! Why are you crying?"
She shook her head while desperately trying to wipe away her tears. "... Why won't you tell me what's wrong?"
I froze once again. I quickly retracted my hand to my beating chest. I looked down at the ground, not even having the courage to look at her right now. "I'm sorry... Please don't tell Chun-Jan about this..."
Her face darkened once again, just like the times before. She glared at me with annoyance towards my very existence. Yet, the same tear continued to roll down her face as she showed a bitter smile...
"If you are sorry, then don't appear in front of me again."
I gasped out as my somehow closed eyes opened with shock. I began breathing abnormally as my blurry vision began to recover. I quickly looked around.
It's nighttime, and the full moon shines over the whole city of South Korea. The thin wisp of the white, intricate clouds pass along the shoreline of the moon before moving along the midnight sky, freely without the worries that humans have...
I look down from where I am. A body of water lingers beneath. Separating the water and me is a metal fence that reaches over my shoulder. I placed both my hands on the fence before looking emotionlessly up at the sky.
"... What meaning does my life have...?"
The time I spent with my siblings, having them think I am a brother worthy of their respect... It's all crumbling down.
I gently closed my eyes.
The Mapo Bridge: It is known for its high Suicide Rate. People falling from the bridge and into the river, lifelessly drowning themselves as they leave this forsaken world.
I begin to wonder... Will my death make everyone around me happy...?
Will falling from this bridge fix all the wrongdoings my parents said I made?
I can't help but have these intrusive thoughts fill my head.
Why was I born like this?
Why can't I be happy?
Why can't I be the same as everyone else?
Why do I have to suffer continuously as I try to figure myself out?
Why can't the world try to understand me...?
Better yet... Why can't the world just try and fix me...?
I rested my head on the fence in front of me. My eyes still closed, my hands resting on the edge of the fence. I slowly clenched my hand on the fence. I was determined to just climb over this fence and let myself feel free. I tried to force myself to think that this is what everyone wants from me.
Before I decided to do so, a voice echoed through my mind. A familiar voice...
"Whenever you are feeling down, know that I am here for you. Even if it's for something small, don't hesitate to reach out to me. I will make sure to bring you back into spirit."
Those comforting words... I couldn't help but feel sad as I remembered what August said to me.
My emotionless face soon started to break. My eyes began to water down tears as I clenched my hands even tighter than before. My whole body began to quiver. "August..."
I want him by my side... I want him to comfort me just like he normally does. I want to feel his warmth around me... feel safe... and happy...
I slowly opened my eyes as I continued to look down from the bridge...
I miss him... I miss mother... I miss father… I miss Seraphina... I miss everyone in the other world.
In the world that truly accepts me for who I am, where I can truly be me...
I wiped away the tears from my face. "Ah... this is embarrassing... crying like this..." I took deep breaths to calm myself down. I look up into the moon once again.
So beautiful…
I slowly stretched my hands up, trying to reach up to the beautiful moon in the sky before I slowly smiled. "I wonder what you would say if you were with me right now, August..."
A warmer and more delicate smile ran down my face as I thought about him. I slowly retracted my hand towards my beating chest, clutching the cloth. The thought of him made my heartbeat faster...
I don't know this feeling... but I don't think it is wrong for me... to feel like this...
"Brother!"
I heard Chun-Jan yelling towards me. I quickly looked from him to see him running towards me. Once he stood in front of me, he crouched down as he took deep breaths.
"B-Brother... I received your message! W-Why are you here!?"
I took my phone out to see the last thing I sent to him: I'm at Mapo Bridge.
I smiled bitterly at the message before putting my phone away and looking warmly at Chun-Jan. I slowly looked up at the sky and up at the moon once more. "... I just felt like seeing the moon from here…"
Once Chun-Jan caught his breath, he stood up before wiping away the sweat from his forehead. "Is that it?! Mapo Bridge is thirty minutes away from where we're at. Couldn't you just look at it from home?!" He uneasily scratched his head. "I thought you were about to do something else..."
I let out a sigh, yet a smile remained on my face. "True... but from here, I can finally understand some things I was having trouble with." I looked back at him once more, brightly smiling at him. Not as my emotionless self, but as my new self.
"... I finally realize what I truly cherish."
Chun-Jan continued to look at his brother with a feeling of awe. But slowly… a bridge of emptiness began to fill his heart. "I see..." He then looked up into the sky, gazing at the same bright, and beautiful, moon that his brother came to see. "I guess it truly is beautiful from here..."
A long moment of silence flowed down as neither of us said a single word. The feeling of the chilly wind and the noise of the water splashing and streaming down the river felt so relaxing… so comforting…
"... Chun-Jan... Do you think I am a good brother...?"
He slowly looks at me, smiling warmly as if he already knew the answer before I said the question. "... You're the best brother anyone can have."
I couldn't help but smile back at him. This might be the last time I see him, but it's comforting for me to hear him say that, even if it's not real…
Even if both you and Minji were to hate me because of who I truly am...
I will continue to love you both, even in the other world.
"Thank you for everything, Chun-Jan..."
The moment I uttered those words, everything stopped moving. Chun-Jan stood there with a smile still spread across his face. The water stopped amidst their current just like the clouds in the sky stopped in their continuous, yet freeing, track.
Yet the moon is the only thing that shimmers at me with delight… The only being that still radiates its color and vitality…
I slowly closed my eyes before opening them again. Everything is white again. The feeling of Deja Vu resonates strongly within me since this is the same space that Azar took me once before.
I looked in the direction where Chun-Jan was once at.
He's not there anymore...
But instead of showing a solemn expression, I just smiled. My memory of him will linger within me forever. Even if we can't see each other anymore, I will never forget the moment I spent with you and Minji. I would never forget the times I spent with the both of you.
I will make sure to cherish them, even in this new world.
A piece of paper began gliding down from above. I look at it before it reaches my premise. I grabbed it and soon looked at the written part of it.
"If you're reading this letter, then congratulations on passing this trial. I am currently controlling your body, so I cannot meet with you. I healed your friend over here so do not worry. I know you have a lot of questions, but the only thing I can say is that taking over your body was a personal decision I made so both of you stayed safe. You may have noticed, but upon the completion of this trial, you have attained your fourth ring. This trial tested your will towards the world and questioned you about the things you valued. If you want to get stronger, you must know what is truly worth protecting and valuing. I am sorry that you had to see some... unsettling things, but now I wish you the happiness that you deserve."
Upon reading that last sentence, the paper soon dissipated into little blue fragments before flowing up into the air. I continued to look at them as they began dispersing all over the white plain with a smile on my face.
I placed my hand near my heart, still looking up with a smile on my face before gently closing my eyes with gratitude. "Thank you... Azar..."