JUDE
I shift a little, clearing my throat. "Yeah, I think I got four hours of sleep."
"I heard you wake up. Where did you go?"
I feel anxious whenever Miko is around. It could be because of how I view him that's why I am intimidated.
With Andre, I was calm and even chill as we sat here. But with Miko, I am hyper-aware of everything.
I am aware of the fact that he is seated on my bed, our shoulders so close to touching. I am aware of how his scent is enveloping the air around us, which makes me know he is fresh from the shower.
I am also aware of how he is looking at me, and yet I can't meet his eyes.
"Running. I take jogs every morning. Did I wake you?" I look at him, not able to decipher his expression.
"No, you were quiet. I am just a light sleeper."
"Light sleeper? More like insomnia." Andre gets back in the room, and I breathe a sigh of relief.
What is that about?
"What were you watching just now?" Miko looks at my still-open laptop.
"Just some vlogs."
"Have you started yet?"
"No. I mean yes, but I haven't finished. I am halfway through." My heart is racing a little.
"Let's watch then, kill some time because our day doesn't start in another two hours."
"I will bring some snacks! I am a little bit hungry," Andre announces as he goes on his hunt.
"he is always hungry," Miko chuckles, making himself comfortable on my bed.
I don't move an inch, my body too stiff. He notices it. "Are you uncomfortable?"
"What?"
"You seem like you want to bolt. Am I making you uncomfortable?" he asks me, a worried look crossing his features.
"No! No, I am fine. I like you being here. Its just-" I like you being here? What the hell? "It's just a little awkward watching your vlogs with you right beside me."
"Are you sure?"
"completely sure."
"Jude." Miko sits up and looks at me. I let out an exhale.
"You just make me nervous," I finally admit. I am supposed to feel the weight lifted, but it crushes my chest even more.
"Why?" Miko frowns, biting his lip.
"I don't know, maybe because you are like, a big deal and I am still unable to think of you as my bandmate now? Maybe because my nerves are all over the place? I am sorry I am acting like a fan; it's just something I haven't turned off yet," I blabber, unable to stop my mouth.
"I thought you were uncomfortable because you didn't like me or something," Miko shifts, creating some space between us.
"No, why wouldn't I?"
"So," he tilts his head, "it's just you being nervous around me? Nothing else?"
"Nothing else."
"Do you feel that way around all of us?"
"Pretty much, yeah."
"But Andre doesn't seem to make you like you want to bolt."
True. Andre is Andre. I met him yesterday but I think I am seeing him as my little brother, as a friend.
"Do you act like a fan with the rest?" Miko asks again when I don't say anything.
"No, I mean. I am scared of Rin and Zein; Rex is chill, but I don't know how to approach him. Then Andre is becoming a friend I want to be around all the time."
"And me?"
It shouldn't make my heart beat faster.
"You… I still don't know."
Miko nods, looking at his long fingers, not saying anything. Maybe being honest is not the way to go. But there is something about him that makes me feel like I can tell him the truth, everything, without hiding and not fearing that he won't take it.
Not be worried that he will not understand. It's jarring how I am coming to that conclusion, and the more I think about it, the more confusing it gets. So maybe I won't think.
"I would like for you to think me as a friend," miko finally looks at me. His black eyes, pure and clear, showing me how genuine he feels.
"I want to be your friend," he goes on. "and you are not the only one who is nervous, you know?" he chuckles, looking away shyly.
"What?" I ask, my eyes widening. There is nothing about me that can make anyone nervous.
"You aren't the only one acting like a fan." Miko finally looks my way. "I love your work. Ever since my cousin showed it to me, I have been a fan."
"Hey! I am back! What are you guys talking about?" Andre bursts through the doors, hands full of all sorts of snacks, cutting the moment short.
"That's a lot of snacks," I chuckle.
"I am hungry." he drops them all on the bed.
"You haven't had breakfast yet?" I ask him.
"No, Zein hasn't cooked yet, and rin slept in today." he sits at the foot of the bed.
"I can try make you something," I offer.
"You know how to cook?" Miko asks me.
"No, but I can try. We have to cook for ourselves, right?"
"You don't have to, I am fine with these," Andre tells me. "Thank you, though. That felt nice … you caring about me."
His face is smacked with a bag of chips. "Eat up and stop talking too much." Miko gives him a look.
"So, what do you normally do on a day-to-day basis?" I change the topic.
"Practice, go to the recording studio, more practice …" Andre responds as he stuffs his face with chips.
"We don't have a lot to do, but we practice, upload videos, record or write some songs, that's pretty much it," Miko clarifies.
"That's what I just said," Andre mumbles.
"So we are fully packed, doing all of that each day?"
"No. Believe it or not, before we debut, we won't have much to do," Andre tells me.
"But we have to work each day. None of us have variety shows yet or gigs outside the work that has brought us here. The boss wants us focused on debuting before our focus is divided to other things."
"That is better," I say. "I thought I would be pulled in all directions and I won't find my footing," I admit.
"You will be okay," Miko puts his hand on my shoulder, squeezing lightly before he takes his hand back.
"Are we watching or not?" Andre asks.
I click on the very first video, taking a pillow to put it on my lap as I look at the laptop screen.
"We look so young and green here," Andre laughs, and I nod.
I wonder if I will look half as good as they are looking on the vlogs, too. I still can't believe I am here, seated with Andre and Miko of Mars.