HARRO.
As I stepped into the warmth of my home, the familiar scent of pinewood enveloped me, mingling with the crisp afternoon air that wafted through the half-open windows. The soft click of the door behind me was like a sigh of relief, marking the threshold between the outside world, where I'd just left Orion, and the sanctuary of my personal space. Here, the memories of the past few months, though fragmented and lost, still lingered, whispers of a life I was struggling to recall.
Everything business-related was meticulously recorded, a safeguard against the gaps in my memory. But my personal life was a different story altogether. Lovers, encounters, and intimate moments were not things I documented. My appetite for adventure in the bedroom was well-known, even to myself, and I couldn't say with certainty who I'd been with last. The uncertainty was daunting, and it was exactly why I hadn't reached out to any of my old flames. There was also the tiny, but significant, detail of my growing interest in Orion. I didn't want to complicate things, not yet, not until I understood what was happening between us.
I padded over to the small table near the couch, where a pack of afternoon medications awaited me like scattered puzzle pieces. A moment settled over me, a heavy pause, as I reached for my drugs. The sunlight streamed through the window, casting a warm glow on the bottle of pills — each one a lifeline, a tether to clarity I desperately needed. I poured them into my palm, counting each one with a sense of ritual: one, two, three… The familiar smell hit my nose, and I made a face, but my thoughts quickly swirled back to Orion, and a smile spread across my face. Even the mere thought of him made me giddy inside.
I need to see him again, I thought, the desire echoing through my mind like a refrain. The way he'd seemed so surprised to see me in his office, yet worried about my health, was adorable. His smile, the gentle tone of his voice — it was a symphony that resonated deep within me, stirring a want that I couldn't ignore. Fascinated; that was the word. My heart swelled with curiosity, longing to unravel the mystery that was Orion. Why did he make me feel so alive when everything else around me felt like a blur?
" SJ!" my father's hoarse voice, thick with concern, echoed from the hallway, breaking the spell that had woven itself around me. "I didn't hear you come in, are you okay?" he asked, his words tinged with a deep-seated worry.
"Yeah, just...resting," I replied, my voice a little softer than usual, as I tried to reassure him without revealing too much.
My father nodded as he walked towards me, a warm smile on his face. But as he stepped into view, his expression changed, a frown etched deep across his brow. "Resting? I hope you're taking it easy on these drives you go on each day," he said, his eyes narrowing slightly. "Do you need me to come with you?"
I felt a surge of defensiveness, but I pushed it back, not wanting to arouse his suspicions. "Just a little drive around the neighborhood, Dad, I can handle it," I said, trying to sound nonchalant, despite the fact that my heart was racing.
It wasn't a complete lie, I told myself. I was being careful, and I wasn't doing anything strenuous. I was just sitting down, watching Orion from afar, trying to unravel the mystery that surrounded him. And I wasn't even in pain anymore, I added, trying to reassure myself. But the guilt still lingered, a nagging voice in the back of my mind, reminding me that I was keeping secrets from my father, thankfully; it's not dangerous enough to harm me.
"SJ, your doctors said you need to take it easy. I don't want you pushing yourself—" my father began, his voice laced with concern.
"I'm fine, Dad," I interrupted, my tone a little sharper than I intended. But my mind was elsewhere, consumed by thoughts of Orion. Images of his concerned eyes, the way he had leaned toward me as if he craved me in that moment, replayed in my mind like a tantalizing whisper.
My father's expression turned skeptical, his eyebrow arching upward. "Fine?" he repeated, his voice dripping with doubt. "What does that even mean? You can't just brush this off like it's nothing! I noticed you didn't sleep much last night" He took a step closer, his eyes scanning mine as if searching for any sign of weakness.
I felt a surge of frustration, but I knew my father was only trying to protect me. He had always been protective, but since my accident, he had become even more vigilant, always watching, always waiting for any sign that I might be struggling.
"I know! I know, Dad," I said, trying to placate him. "I'm... just trying to figure things out, okay?. It's not easy living in the blank." I attempted to explain, but the words felt hollow, inadequate. How could I explain the void inside me, the sense of disconnection from my own life?
"I've told you, SJ, you don't have to figure everything out or try so hard to regain your memory, son," my father said, his voice softening, laden with an untold exhaustion. "But, if you really want, I can get you professional help." The offer hung in the air, a lifeline that felt more like a noose, suffocating me.
The thought of those missing memories, the need to know what I'd been up to before my accident, came flooding back. What would it feel like to be engulfed in those memories — smiles, laughter, the memories of people I'd shared them with? Was I even ready to remember? The uncertainty sent a shiver down my spine.
"I'm fine, Dad," I insisted, though a tremor scaled my voice, betraying my resolve. "I just… I need some time." Time, the great healer, or so they said. But would it be enough to heal the wounds of my past, to fill the void within me?
My father studied me for a long moment, the depth of concern clouding his eyes, and then visibly deflated, his shoulders sagging in defeat. "Alright, but promise me you'll at least take it easy when you go out, okay?" he asked, his voice laced with a mixture of resignation and worry.
"I promise, daddy," I said in a baby-like voice, saluting him with a toothy grin, trying to lighten the mood. My dad shook his head in amusement, but I felt a knot of guilt twist in my stomach. I didn't want to worry him; he already carried enough weight.
If I could help it, I wanted to stay home, but the pull toward Orion was irresistible. The need to have him, to be near him, consumed my every thought. I was afraid that if I didn't move fast, someone else might make him theirs. The thought of him being with someone else does not sit right with me.
With a swift, understanding smile, my father turned back toward the kitchen, and I let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding. I quickly swallowed the pills, the chalky taste a reminder of the routine that had taken over my life.
As I settled back on the couch, my mind began to wander to the next steps. What would it be like to see Orion again? Did he find me strange for just showing up at his office unannounced? Would he welcome me again if I visited? Or would it be too awkward to have me around?
A flutter of uncertainty rose in my chest as I wondered: Is he even into guys? But then I chuckled to myself, thinking: Aren't we all a little gay inside? The thought brought a smile to my face, and I felt a sense of determination wash over me. I was going to find out more about Orion, and I was going to take a chance.
My phone buzzed on the table, a text message blinking eagerly, like a beacon calling out to me. I picked it up, my heart skipping a beat as I saw the unknown number. But as I read the message, a smile spread across my face.
"Hey, it's Orion. You asked me to text you and I have, happy?" His straightforward words ignited something within me, a flicker of warmth that spread through my chest.
The pounding of my heart quickened as I stared at the screen, my mind racing with the implications. I wasn't sure what it was exactly, but I was happy Orion had done as I asked. It was a small victory, but it felt like a promising start. And as I thought about it, a more daring thought crept into my mind. I wish he would give in to me this easily when I tell him I want him. The thought sent a happy feeling down my spine, and I couldn't help but wonder what it would feel like when that happens.