I always thought that if I were to do something dramatic, ridiculous and totally uncalled for, it was going to be while I was protecting Rachael. It never occurred to me that I'd one day do something as stupid and cringe as this – referring to Morgan Kaelson as 'my princess' in front of the entire Briarwood Academy student body while also wiping her shoes.
***The Previous Day***
"Honey, Rachael's looking for you. She wants to hang out with you."
I sighed, not bothering to even look at my mom. My eyes were fixed up at the ceiling as if there was something quite fascinating about the tray ceiling with LED lights.
"Are you really going to be like this? It's been over a week now." I turned to face my mom then. Her black hair was falling in loose curls all over her head. Her eyes looked sunken, like she hadn't slept in days and her clothes were a testament to how long she had gone without taking a shower. Being an ER doctor during this time of the year when most accidents occurred sucked. She looked like shit.
"You don't know that I've been like this for a week now. You're just parroting what Rachael told you."
I looked away from her and kept staring at my ceiling. I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone.
As soon as Morgan left my house a few days ago, I decided to text Chloe. I knew I shouldn't have done that. I knew I should have kept my pride and ignored her for the rest of my life since she decided to be a cheating little bitch. But I guess, when you liked someone as much as I liked her, you couldn't do that even though they hurt you so badly.
I texted her multiple times and called her just as many times, but she never once responded or picked up. I bet she didn't even listen to the voicemails I sent her.
I was furious at Chloe for cheating on me. She made me question my self-worth and my ability to please in the bedroom. I knew I excelled in that aspect, but she made me think I was better off being a bottom. I spent every hour of every waking day thinking of her. How her face was when she was bouncing on Orion Breene. How pleased she looked and how utterly unbothered she was about sleeping with someone else. I hated Chloe so much, but I liked her just as much, and I was stuck in an endless cycle of love and hate with my feelings for her.
"What's wrong, baby, huh? Talk to me."
I looked at her again. She had her car keys in her hand although she tried to not let it show. I could tell her duffel bag was sitting right outside my room waiting for her to pick it up and scurry off to the hospital again. She didn't have the time for me to talk to her.
"Nothing," I muttered. If I didn't tell them what happened, my parents were never going to find out. They were too busy saving lives to care about what went on online.
"You don't look like it's nothing. From what Rachael said it seems like it's pretty bad."
She took a glance at her watch. She didn't try to make it obvious, but I caught on to things like that quite quickly. She needed to be there as soon as possible and she was wasting precious time talking to me here.
With no effort whatsoever, I sat up from my bed and tried to make my voice as lighthearted as I could.
"I'll take her to the mall. She's been crying about this new shiny lip gloss that Devereaux released and she wants it so badly. Apparently, it's a limited edition or whatever."
My mom could tell that I was deflecting, but she was really running out of time so she had no other choice but to believe me.
"Don't take her on her on your motorcycle, Raegan. I mean it this time. Do not put that young lady on the back of your motorcycle or I'll take it away from you, understand?"
I gave her a mock salute and waved her off. She didn't waste time in spinning around on her sneakers and practically running out of my bedroom.
Contrary to what I told my mother I'd do, I remained in my room. I didn't have the energy to do anything. I couldn't even remember the last time I ate anything. Thinking about Chloe and her betrayal was the only thing on my mind. And the annoying part? I still wanted to hear her out.
It was foolish of me, I know, but I wanted to hear what she had to say. The reason why she cheated on me with Orion Breene. There was no excusable reason for cheating on someone, but I was willing to give her a pass if she just said something to me. But she never responded to any of my calls or texts.
Then, all of a sudden while I was lying on my bed and thinking about how my life had just come to a screeching halt, my phone started to vibrate underneath my pillow. At first, I was skeptical about answering it, but I had a feeling it was something I needed to respond to, so I shoved my hand underneath my pillow and dug it out. My breath caught in my throat when I saw the caller ID.
"Meet me at Justin's in thirty minutes."
I didn't have to be told twice. With lightning speed, I grabbed my jacket, went to the basement parking lot and hopped on my bike, leaving my compound and little sister behind.
The bakery was right at the edge of The Summit District, where nothing luxurious or shining could be seen for at least a mile. It was my favorite place in the world because it sold the best bread and no one had to worry about class or how many calories they just consumed in a sitting.
"Hi." My voice came out breathy and strained and I cursed myself for sounding so weak and dumb.
Chloe had on a cap that was drawn so low you could almost not see her face. She was sitting by the edge of the bakery on the opposite side of the window where we usually sat. Even though I was mad at her, I had to admit in that moment when I saw her, my anger dissipated and melted into oblivion.
"I'm guessing you saw the video as well." Her tone was monotonous. I couldn't decipher the look that she was giving me then but I had a feeling we were both thinking different things.
"Look, we can talk about it. I honestly am not mad at you. We can move past this. I'll forgive you…I'll not even bring it up. We don't even have to talk about it…"
Her look just kept getting worse with each word I spoke. She looked furious at me, like I was the one at fault and I was trying to gaslight her or something. When I thought that she was going to yell, she surprised me by laughing instead. It was a maniac sound and it sent a shiver down my spine.
"What? You'll forgive me? You want us to move past it?" I stared at her dumbfounded. This was not the reaction I was expecting.
"You're so full of yourself, Raegan."
"Chloe…"
"I don't want us to move past this!" she screeched. "I don't want you to forgive me. I don't need you to forgive me."
"Chloe, let's talk about this, okay? You cheated on me and I do have every right to be mad, but I'm not."
She scoffed in disbelief, like I was the crazy one demanding for something outrageous and impossible.
"I guess you want a 'thank you' for that, or an award that says 'best boyfriend ever'? I am so sick and tired of you pitying me and trying to give me a pass."
It felt like I had been slapped across the cheek by the Hound's big brother. Never have I ever been speechless in my entire life.
"I don't…I don't understand what you mean by that."
"Of course you don't! Rich people tend to never understand what people who don't have the same economic background mean. You live in your little self-righteous bubble, always aiming to be the hero in my oh-so-terrible life! You always try to make me seem more presentable to your little followers back in Kensington and it sickened me, Raegan. I'm not your little project. I'm not a charity case that needs you to help her out with things every single time. I don't need you to give me a pass for cheating on you just because you pity me."
I was mad then. All the words she spoke, the hatred that was laced with each syllable, vexed me to the very core of my existence.
"You think I pity you, Chloe? You think I do all those things – pay for dates, forgive every mistake you've ever made just because I pitied you? Do you even understand the concept of a relationship, Chloe?"
"Oh, spare me the bullshit, Raegan. Do you really think I'll believe you for a second? I've seen the way you act when we're with your friends. You don't like it when I speak because you're afraid I'll say something to embarrass you in front of them. Well, I'm sorry I didn't know about the Debutant Ball that is held every year and how all the wealthy families come together to talk shit about each other while also trying desperately hard to find a match for their children so they can procreate and give birth to more aristocratic assholes! I'm sorry I used my dessert fork to eat my salad and I used the underplate as the main serving plate!"
"I thought it was cute when you did that! And I don't care that you used a dessert fork to eat a salad. I don't even know the difference myself. It's all bullshit if I'm being honest."
Her breathing was ragged and her eyes were livid. I never thought that Chloe felt this way while we were dating. I didn't know that she felt odd and left out during discussions. I didn't mean for her to feel that way. I didn't mean to make her feel like she couldn't speak or act or eat with whatever cutlery she wanted to use during lunch time.
"You know what, Raegan?" Her voice was calmer now, but I could see a little bit of sadness mixed with contempt in her eyes. "You may think that you're a loving boyfriend, but the truth is you're insufferable."
Her words settled in me like a brick sinking to the bottom of the ocean. My head spun and suddenly I felt like throwing up. The world around me seemed to be in some sort of distorted lens that kept making images unfocused when I tried to look at them.
"You made me feel small, weak and pathetic. I hated every moment with you. I hated that you treated me the way you did. I hated when you bought me clothes and shoes. I hated when you paid for our dates and took us to some exotic restaurant where dress codes mattered. You never asked me if I wanted to go to any of those places and you just took me there and I felt ridiculously small compared to those other people there. I didn't dress properly, I had no idea how to use the knives and forks or where to use them. And when you speak with that British accent of yours, it made me feel insignificant. I felt like a peasant being spoken down on by their master."
Crying was something I never thought I'd do, talk less in front of a girl that I used to like with my whole being just because she told me in summary, that she didn't like how nice I was. It hurt hearing her say those things to me. I always thought I was doing my very best to be the perfect boyfriend for her and that she was happy. I didn't know I was making her miserable and think less of herself. I didn't know I was just insufferable.
"I didn't mean to make you feel that way, Chloe. I just wanted to do those things for you because I liked you so much."
"You pitied me, Raegan, because I came from a family back in Kansas that owned just one farm and a supermarket. I was the poor, scholarship kid in Kensington and you saw me as someone that you could 'save.' Well, I didn't want saving. I didn't need it, honestly. I was fine being just the way I was but you didn't like me like that so you sort to change me. I slept with Orion to prove to you that I was good, just the way I was. That I didn't need to have fancy clothes or a nice background to get someone from a rich family to like me. Orion liked me just the way I am, Raegan. You are insufferable and so full of yourself. Get off your high horse and stop making people feel like shit about themselves."
She gathered her things and left without uttering another word. I knew then that it was really over between us.
I couldn't move or blink or do anything really. I sat frozen to my seat, staring at nothing and seeing nothing, all the while letting my mind race and wander with different thoughts.
I am insufferable.
I made her feel like shit.
I am a terrible boyfriend.
I'm the reason why she cheated.
I didn't like that she wasn't as rich as I was so I sought to change her.
I knew all those things I thought weren't true, but the thing with being gaslit is you wouldn't know how right you were even if it was glued to your face in a neon signboard.
I recalled when I took her to Sovereign, this really nice and classy restaurant in TSD. I thought she'd love it. I thought the lighting of the place would make her skin glow and look ethereal and that her eyes will glisten underneath the stars when we sat on the patio to have dinner. I thought she'd be pleased with it, so I took her there. Thinking back to that day now, I realize that maybe, she wasn't as happy about it as I was. She was right though, I never asked her if she wanted to go to those places. I was the one who decided where our dates would be. I didn't think it mattered though because at the end of the day all I wanted was to spend time with her. I guess I was wrong, again.
I arrived home a little after eleven. Everywhere was quiet and it just dawned on me that I had someone to look after. There was a note sitting right outside her room door when I got to it.
"Don't bother looking for me. I'm out playing with Rita. Chloe's a bitch and I never liked her. Plus, her eye color is weird and she isn't pretty at all. Her skin is all patchy and multicolor and honestly, you're lucky you can't tell. You deserve someone better. Someone like me."
I chuckled at that last statement. My little sister was crazy, I'd give her that, but she was also sweet and she did care about me. Of course, none of the things she said about Chloe were true. Chloe was beautiful and her skin was lovely. Her eyes were a pretty brown color that I loved to look at every chance I got.
For the better part of the night, my thoughts revolved around Chloe and how she betrayed me. I thought of her words and tried to recall the times when she did look a bit uncomfortable about a situation we were in. I admit that maybe I wasn't the most sensitive when it came to things like that. I'd argue that it was probably because she hid it so well and it was hard to notice something that wasn't on display, but a part of me still blamed myself for what she did. Maybe, just maybe if I had noticed and stopped acting like I did, she wouldn't have cheated on me.
Back and forth my mind went thinking about what constituted cheating and if there was a valid reason to do so. I drew up a pros and cons list about Chloe and tried to compare her to other girls at my school. I tried to analyze myself from an objective view point and see if there was any way I acted towards her that warranted that kind of reaction from her. I tried to understand what she felt and thought about me buying her things and tried and failed to see that from the point of view of a female. Safe to say I was fixated on her throughout the night.
By the time the sun came up and my alarm rang, I had come to one glaring conclusion – Chloe Anderson was a raging bitch.
The anger that was within me after realizing this about my ex-girlfriend was the fuel I needed to act in the next direction. I got dressed and rode my motorbike straight to Briarwood Academy. I had no idea how to contact the person I came to see and was beginning to rethink my whole plan. Some of the students I saw looked at me weirdly and it took me only a fraction of a second to realize I had worn my school uniform to enemy territory. Quickly, I took off my uniform jacket and wore my leather jacket instead.
For a second I thought they were already in class. It was well after eight in the morning and usually, classes started then. The ground floor was almost deserted and I couldn't hear anything. But just as I was about to leave, I saw a group of Briarwood students gathered by the elevator, staring eagerly at their phones.
"Paris is so going to ruin her with this," one of the girls said. "I cannot believe that scholarship girl thought she could do this to Morgan Kaelson and get away with it. If anything, The Dynasty has her back and there's no way in hell they're going to let her go scot-free." The elevator dinged open and they hurried in. I went in after them, certain that wherever they were going would lead me to finding the person I wanted to see.
The dining hall back in my school was fantastic and equipped with all the right features to make it look like a five-star restaurant, but my God! Briarwood Academy took it to a whole nother level.
We passed by the wine and champagne lounge first. Everything had a reflective surface that glimmered more than the stars did. I didn't have time to even admire the live band they had because the next thing I knew, my nose was being accosted with the foulest smell I had ever been unfortunate to perceive.
The noise coming from the main dining hall drew my attention away from their luxurious lounge with the live band. As soon as I stepped my foot inside, I wanted to throw up.
"And now, for the finishing touch. The gravy," I heard one girl say in a high-pitched valley girl voice. I pushed passed the sea of students standing there, inhaling the rancid odor and struggled until I was at the front of the madness. A student was sitting on the floor, covered in what smelt like all the world's sewage, looking like she, herself was sewage. I watched as the gravy poured out from a bowl and onto her head before cascading down her whole body and finally getting to her shoes.
I recognized those shoes.
Immediately, the words of the girl in the elevator settled in me. I wanted to move to help Chloe, save her from this humiliation, to shield her from the mocking eyes of her peers and their flashing cameras, but then I remembered her words from the previous day. How she told me she didn't need me to save her. How she made it very clear that I was insufferable.
And so, even though I knew she had caught my gaze and had seen me standing there, even though I saw her shoulders sag in relief at having me by her side, I chose to ignore her completely because she had made it very clear that she didn't like me and didn't need my help. Besides, there was nothing I could do about a stench that was worse than a barn and a concentration camp combined.
So, instead of playing the hero for a girl who didn't appreciate it, I decided to do that for someone who may just be as crazy as the word itself.
"What the actual fuck did you just do?"
It's the same question I asked myself as soon as the words left my mouth.