A cascade of thoughts surged through my mind, a tumult that drowned out Zane and Kai's voices. Their words were a mere whisper against the current of my contemplations. Marina's sudden avoidance lingered in my brain, prompting introspection on what might have happened between us. I strategized how to approach Zara and assure her that my intention was never to hide anything from her.
I was engulfed in my musings when Kai's tap on my shoulder jolted me from my reverie.
"Are you okay? You've been unusually quiet."
"I'm fine," I said, refocusing. "What were you saying?"
"Will you be joining us tomorrow at Zane's auditions?"
"I wish I could, but work calls," I regretfully explained.
"It's alright. I'll fill you in on how it goes."
"Cool," I responded. "You look so excited."
"I am!" he burst out with excitement. "Guess who I'm going to be auditioning for?"
"You know I'm terrible at guessing," I chuckled.
"Dona Barlowe," he blurted out.
"No way!" I responded, unable to grasp his words. Dona Barlowe was the Leslie Cheung and Michael Jackson of our generation. She once made the bold decision to walk to the supermarket without disguising herself. The result? A massive traffic jam and a crowd so overwhelming that it took the mayor and the military to restore order.
"Yep! And she doesn't have age restrictions!"
"I wish I could be there. You better give it your all."
"Of course," he affirmed.
As our conversation unfolded, we delved into the auditions and various other topics. Unbeknownst to me, we had arrived at Kai's, completely overlooking Zane's place.
"Aren't you going home today?" I asked.
"No, I mentioned earlier that I was going to Kai's for a while," he reminded me.
"Oh! Sorry, I didn't catch that."
"It's okay. See you on Sunday."
"See you guys, and good luck," I wished them as we parted ways.
After pacing anxiously outside my door for what felt like an eternity, I mustered the courage to enter and found Zara doing her homework. Typically, she'd be with Marina, but considering the situation, I doubted she'd be comfortable around me.
Zara gave me a swift look and continued with her assignments. The air between us was heavy with the aftermath of our argument about her clash with Masha. It seemed she might have interpreted it as me not siding with her.
I moved closer, trying to talk to her, but before I could complete one sentence, she hastily gathered her books and left for her room.
This was the longest Zara had ever gone without speaking to me, and it felt suffocating. I didn't know what to do or how to approach her. I knew she felt both betrayed and guilty. Marina-the only other person I could ask to talk to her-seemed to be intentionally avoiding me. I felt lost.
Driven by desperation, I decided to buy Zara an ice cream, despite my strict stance on sugar, hoping it would cheer her up a bit. But upon returning, I was met with a darkened house. She was "asleep" on my bed, and my attempts to wake her up proved futile.
"I'll eat it if you don't get up."
Silence.
"I'll leave it in the fridge, okay? You can have it when you wake up tomorrow."
Just as I began to make my exit, a soft voice broke through the stillness. Zara called out to me, her tone filled with compassion. She still lay in bed, her face turned to the wall, leaving me in suspense about what revelations her hidden expression might unveil.
"Why didn't you tell me about our situation?"
"Because I can manage it, Zara. I didn't mean to hide it from you. I just didn't want you to worry, and-"
"So you chose to keep it a secret and shoulder the burden alone?" she interrupted, still turned to the wall.
"It's not a burden, I-" I tried to explain, but she cut me off again.
"You always tell me how Mama said you should look after me, so I try to do everything you tell me. Where does that leave me?" The air was beginning to thicken with unresolved tension.
"I don't stay out past seven because you told me it makes you anxious. I don't eat sugar because you're afraid I'll have a short life like papa. You asked me to return the shoes I bought you but insisted I keep the dress you saved up to buy me. Why do you think that is okay? Is your promise to Mama the only one that matters?" Her voice wavered, and I could sense she was on the verge of tears.
"What about mine to her, Alek? Why can't you let me fulfill it too? How do you think I feel when you don't come home until nine? Do you know how anxious that makes me? Why do you refuse to go to the hospital when you're sick? What if you leave like Mama and Papa? What then? How will I face her when I meet her again?"
Her questions hung in the air, each one piercing deeper than the last. I felt tears clouding my eyes, and my heart ached as her words resonated within me. I stood in the same spot, unable to move or utter a single word.
"Let me take care of you too. I got a part-time job at Florie's. And don't ask me to quit again."
I felt so sad for Zara. As much as I needed her help, I didn't want her to strain and worry, but then again, stopping her from doing what she wanted only made her worry even more.
I stood there in silence, swallowing the lump in my throat, my eyes burning with unshed tears. Slowly, I turned to leave for the living room, hoping to gather myself, but just as I took my first step, Zara's voice stopped me.
I turned back. She was sitting on the bed now, facing me. Her eyes-red and swollen-held a sorrow so deep it felt like it could swallow the room whole. She had been crying. Sweet, selfless Zara.
Her voice trembled, yet her words were steady.
"Do you know what my greatest wish is?" She paused, inhaling shakily. "That in my next lifetime, I'll not have you as a brother. I wish for you to be my child, born from my womb and bred from the depths of my love. That way, I can hold you from the very start, I can protect you from all this pain, and give you the love and happiness you were always meant to have."
Her words shattered me. I had no strength left to fight the tears
***
It was before the first lesson of the day when I saw Marina.
This was the second time I was seeing her since her unusual outburst. I decided to follow and ask why she had been avoiding me.
I watched as she walked into the gym. That was strange-what was she doing there at this hour? Curiosity got the better of me, so I followed her inside.
I found her with a mirror in hand, applying makeup-one that made her look pale and sickly.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
She flinched, clearly startled, and turned to me with wide eyes, "nothing," she answered, her tone distant, uninterested.
"Are you still avoiding me?" I asked, leaning in closer.
Her hands froze mid-movement. Then, slowly, she set down the makeup sponge. "I was never avoiding you."
"Then why do you always turn away when we're about to cross paths? Why don't you visit Zara anymore?"
A flicker of something-guilt?-crossed her face. She hesitated before mumbling, "I've been sick... and busy with some things at home. Personal stuff."
I studied her. She was lying.
" I see." I let the words hang for a moment before adding, "Don't avoid me, Marina. I can't take it anymore."
She looked up, her round, brown eyes-shiny and innocent-meeting mine. "Will you?"
She didn't respond, but her demeanor shifted. It was enough to tell me she wouldn't avoid me anymore. After a pause, I asked, "Why didn't you tell me Masha was harassing you?"
She stilled. Her gaze dropped, fingers now absentmindedly toying with the makeup sponge.
I took a deep breath. "Let me know if she does anything to you. I won't let anything slide."
No response. Just quiet.
I sighed and took a step back. "See you at my place?" I asked, hoping-maybe even pleading-for some reaction.
For a moment, nothing.
Then, finally, she gave me a small nod.
Relief washed over me and a smile found its way to my face.
---
One day, I was at one of my part-time jobs when a familiar face joined me. I was taken aback, to be honest.
"What are you doing here?" I asked.
"Working. I need some extra cash."
"Did you know I worked here as well?"
"No," he replied coolly.
A month later and I realized he had lied. He knew I worked at that mini-market and had been begging the manager for a job for weeks until he finally caved.
I was glad because I had a friend at work. I wouldn't have to be alone anymore. At least I had someone to vent to when a customer was being rude.
Exactly a month later, my boss deposited double my usual salary into my account. I thought he might have made a mistake and attempted to return the money, but he said it was a raise. He could have lied a little better. He was a good person, yes, but not particularly selfless with his money.
I later discovered that it wasn't from him but from my friend. He'd adamantly deny it when I asked, but I knew. I knew it was from him.
I sometimes find myself wondering how he is doing. Is he healthy? Is life treating him well? I know I have asked a lot from the Almighty, but if He could cover him wherever he is, I would be eternally grateful.
I always regretted never properly thanking him. I was too touched and could only look at him with warmth.
My mother always told me that if you truly meant something-if you truly longed to tell someone something-they would feel it, and perhaps, even hear it.
So, thank you, Kai.
For shouldering my burden when you had your own to carry. For every single moment you made sure Zara got home safely. For the medicine you bought me when my back ached. And for the countless times you showed me what selfless friendship is.
Thank you.