"It's that time of year again… the day the world reminds me that I am the most unwanted creature alive."
On a cold February evening in Edo-period Japan, under a sky blushing with sunset and the faint smoke of roasted soybeans, a large, red-skinned oni sat curled beneath a plum tree with a blanket dramatically thrown over his head like a rejected blanket burrito. The once-proud horns on his head were now decorated—mockingly—with two tiny beans someone had chucked with remarkable aim.
He sniffled.
Sniff. Snnrrrf. WHHHHRRRRRGH.
"Uwahhh...! IT'S NOT FAIRRRR!!!"
He slammed his massive hand down, cracking the earth beneath him as nearby birds flew off in a panic.
A tiny tanuki, round like a bouncing rice ball and munching on a stick of dango, sat cross-legged beside him, completely unfazed. The tanuki glanced sideways at the sulking mountain of misery and blinked lazily.
"Wow. Big guy cry again. What a shocker. It's like we've never had eight of these in a row."
"I AM NOT CRYING!!" the oni roared, turning with teary, glimmering eyes. "I'm simply leaking… pure emotional suffering through my eyeballs!"
The tanuki nodded sagely, licking his paw. "Mmm. Sounds a lot like crying."
The oni groaned and flopped backward with a thud that made a squirrel fall out of a nearby tree. "Why does this keep happening to me every single year?! Why beans?! Why my face?! Why are children so accurate with their throws?!"
"Maybe," the tanuki said with exaggerated thoughtfulness, "it's because you're ugly."
THWACK!
A small rock flew past the tanuki's head, missing him by a whisker. The tanuki didn't flinch. He casually stepped aside mid-chew, letting it thunk harmlessly into a tree behind him.
"Wow, throwing rocks at your only friend. Classic oni behavior," he said with a lazy grin, one eye half-lidded. "You know, this is why they throw beans. It's all connected. Karma. Vicious bean cycle."
The oni gritted his teeth. "I AM NOT UGLY!"
"You're right," the tanuki said while plucking another dango off his stick. "You're… aesthetically niche. Like, very... niche."
The oni sat up with a tortured wail. "I used to be FEARED! Humans would run screaming when they saw me! I was the terror of the mountain pass! And now?! Now they throw snacks at me like I'm a raccoon in their attic!"
The tanuki puffed up. "Hey, I am a raccoon in someone's attic. That's a valid lifestyle."
The oni let out a frustrated grunt, pulling the blanket tighter around himself. "What did I do to deserve this humiliation? I haven't even eaten a single human this year! Not even a nibble!"
The tanuki perked up. "Wow. You went vegetarian?"
The oni's eye twitched. "NO, I was busy being sad, okay?!"
"Right, right, mental health first," the tanuki said, nodding like some kind of furry life coach.
They both sat in silence for a moment. The only sounds were the crickets and a child in the distance yelling, "Oni wa sotooo~!!" (Demons out!!) followed by the unmistakable clatter of beans hitting someone squarely in the forehead.
The oni winced. "They have perfect aim this year…"
The tanuki finished his last dango stick and wiped his paws. "You know, you could try disguising yourself next time. Maybe not walk into the village in your full oni glory during a festival dedicated to kicking you out."
The oni turned toward him with an incredulous look. "You want me to cosplay as a human?!"
The tanuki nodded enthusiastically. "Yup! I'll help you. I'll lend you a hat. Maybe give you eyebrows. You could even smile."
The oni looked genuinely horrified. "Smiling?! Do you WANT me to combust from shame?!"
The tanuki leaned back, hands behind his head. "Well, plan B is you sit here every year and cry like a big, red dumpling while I make fun of you."
The oni dramatically pointed a finger. "You ENJOY my pain."
"I really do," the tanuki said with a grin. "But also… maybe next year, we prank them instead?"
The oni blinked. "...Go on."
The tanuki's tail wagged with excitement. "Next Setsubun. We sneak into the village, dressed as traveling kabuki performers. You throw beans back. We dump red ink in their miso. We tie fish to their doorframes."
The oni slowly grinned, fangs glinting under the moonlight. "And we make them cry..."
"Now that's the spirit!" the tanuki chirped, already scheming.
"Then it's settled!" the oni declared, standing up and casting off the blanket like a dramatic cape. "Next year… we reclaim Setsubun in the name of Oni-kind!"
The tanuki raised a rice ball in a toast. "To emotional revenge!"
The two yokai laughed under the moonlight, one cackling deeply, the other snorting like a gremlin. And for just a moment, the world was peaceful—no beans, no shouting villagers, no existential crisis.
Just one ugly oni, one chaotic tanuki, and a plan that was absolutely, undeniably going to backfire.
(Next year: Operation Bean Reversal—will they succeed, or will the oni get beaned again? Stay tuned for more emotionally unstable yokai misadventures!)