Chapter 1
A very silent night around the end of winter near the train station followed a narrow road that reached out to a farm and a small neighborhood not consisting of more than fifty houses. The air was gloomy and cold. It was a disappointment that no moon shone, and no stars illuminated the sky. Almost enough to leave a dreamer disappointed who had gone outside to find solace among the countless stars that showed off their radiance with pride, lighting up whatever had been left inside of a man.
But even though there were no stars present, it was quite unnecessary for them to be there. As I know what they look like already, I can imagine them shining above to give me the solace I seek and it would feel the same . The stars, so far apart, shine anyway—even when no one is looking at them. I know they will shine, and have shone, long before I ever thought that something so amazing yet melancholic like them could exist. Well, it is, in fact, the biggest pleasure of mine to cherish them, to write about them, and to fantasize about them, especially romances. I love the thought, and I am deeply in love with the idea of gazing at a full platter of stars scattered above me, the entire night sky painted by the light coming from trillions of different stars, galaxies, and bodies. It feels as if they are all smiling at me and greeting me, as if they have been waiting and dressed up for the perfect night I had imagined—holding hands with a person I could love more than the stars, or the idea of them, to begin with.
I am so in love with the stars that I believe anyone who loved them as much as I do, I could love them more than the stars in the Milky Way. That I could love them more than each individual star could ever try to outshine my love through its radiance. I could love them more than the lifespan of each individual star. The stars, their distance is so vast, yet they feel as if everyone is right next to each other, as if they are holding hands, as if they are there for one another. Oh, my darling! You are like the stars—that shine brighter than others, though it may look like you are guarded by everyone. You are brave and strong enough to shine by yourself. Long after I perish, my love for you will keep burning, as the stars in the sky have burned long before and will burn long after me. Even if I never meet you again, my love for you will remain inside the stars.
The night can be disappointing; however, there is still a way to overcome the solitude that marks us from within. And what better way to not let go of such a moment than to use it for a romantic outdoor date? I mean, what brings people closer other than one's beauty is the surrounding beauty of nature, where I can just sit by myself to find peace in it. And if there was someone with me—could I have asked for more?
Me and her were walking together; we didn't know where to, but the subtle silences and cold environment kept us somewhat at peace. Our pace was slow, and we made small talk in between, though it was almost always something ill that came out if either of us opened our mouths. We didn't know what, in particular, to talk about, and I felt an uneasy pressure that she wanted to run off. We stopped walking at times to make talk or maybe take a good observation of our surroundings. Despite us coming here a hundred times before, at different times and seasons, this place is never a miss for our bonding. The fences and nets keeping the animals in check. The grass blowing in the wind, and a small hint of dung. The moisture in the air mixing with the soil to give a sweet smell. I could factor a nearby storage facility and the trees of the nearby forest. The train line visible from where we were walking, and the lights of the houses grew dimmer. The silence, so peaceful, was suddenly crushing me, and I felt as if I needed to let go of all the words and dreams that had been piling up inside of me.
Few moments later, I spoke softly as we were in the middle of a quarrel, trying to change the subject in hopes of sparking the light of me in her eyes once again.
"Yesterday, I had a dream! It was a dream about you…"
She looked at me and stopped walking. "And what was in the dream?"
I started to smile and looked at the sky. "Oh, well… I was looking at the stars, and the stars were illuminating at different paces."
She raised an eyebrow and said, "Oh, really? But what does that have to do with me?"
"Ah…" I paused and rubbed my chin.
"Hmm…?" She seemed a bit disappointed but curious.
"Well… how do I explain my love?" I looked around, feeling perplexed as I tried to find words.
"Take your time… I'm waiting," she said without moving a muscle, her face expressionless.
"Ahh… my dear, if you are so dull, I'm afraid I might start crying before I can ever utter a word."
"Pardon me… It's how I've been feeling lately. I'm deeply apologetic if anything that comes out of my mouth sounds harsh. I promise you, it's not intentional, and even I'm unaware of what's wrong."
"Oh, no, no… my darling, no… Why are you blaming yourself? Can a man not make a simple pun? Ha… ha… coughs It's quite the cold, isn't it? What was I saying? Ahh! Yes, my love—don't take blame or feel bad about anything. I'm aware, my dear, and don't mind my small puns. They are merely sarcasm."
"Ha… ha…"
"That laughter seems quite dead, my love."
"I promise it was genuine. It's quite a shame how I'm unable to express myself. I'm telling you again—you should abandon me. For both our sakes. I… I…"
Tears started flowing in her eyes, and she tried to cover them.
"I don't know what I'm doing. I'm afraid I don't know who I am or what I'm living for. At times, everything feels so vibrant, as if everything is worth living for. The next second, everything feels crashing down, and I grip onto the people I love, holding on about the guilt and the pain I'd cause them if I… if I…"
"Oh, no, my dear, no—" My voice raised with panic, and I was trying my best not to stutter.
"Don't say that, no…" A tear almost shed from my eye, and I was gripping my heart. I was panicking, and I was bewildered about what to do. It felt as if no matter what step I took, I would walk on a spike anyway. I felt as if I knew what to do, what to say, but I was unable to. Once again, I had acted upon my emotions.
"But my love… we can't throw it away again, can we? Haha… scoffs Like what I wanted to say earlier about the st—"
"Please stop."
"But my lo—"
"Stop calling me that… I beg of you."
I could see the absolute horror and the paleness in her face. The conclusion she had come to wasn't sudden. After hours of tormenting and silent torture, she had made that decision. I could see the pain of failure, guilt, hatred, and sorrow. Everything had burdened her. The radiant girl she was a few weeks ago had hid away, vanished, and erased herself yet again. We had been going through this for months—where one abandoned the other, only to come back when they couldn't face the overwhelming battle of emotions. Despite knowing we were better off without each other, a string seemed to pull us even closer each time. As if each time opened a new gate in front of our eyes. That we thought we had improved and fixed whatever was broken, only to notice a new crack yet again. I do not know myself how long I could go on like this. I do not even know if something is bleeding me anymore. As if I have already been drained of everything, yet I haven't perished yet. No, I cannot perish, can I? How can I perish away from her when she has engraved herself with everything? No—she isn't just a person I once loved. There is more than that. Love… oh…
A part of me told me that she wanted to stay. That her words didn't align with her heart, but her brain knew—she was aware that what she desired could never be true. There is no point… she is not a dreamer like me. I don't believe she would ever spend countless hours laying in bed for nothing, dreaming and writing about every single possible scenario with every possible outcome.
"Oh, my dear A—, how could you say something so cruel? Stripping this poor man of the only thing that has the hope of ever making him wealthy."
With an angered, weeping voice, she started ranting. "L—, you have to stop, I beg of you… Did you ever even understand me? Did you ever make an effort to put yourself through my eyes? Did you ever care enough? Every time…"
"Hear me out once… for the god's sake. You believe that I fail… that I failed to form a connection to…"
She was trying to face away to hide her expression, clutching her fists and the collar of her sweater. I leaned a bit closer and grabbed her shoulder. She looked at me with an agitated and horrified expression, as if my hands were crushing her, that she wanted to push me away and get away from me for good. But no… I felt it… it wasn't anger or spite. No…
"Please… please stop, L—." She tried to walk away.
"No, A—, stop."
She stopped and murmured a small, "Hmm."
"Do we… do we really want to regret and live with—"
"Regret what, L—? I am… I have turned pale by the burden of things, things no one is aware of. You don't know me… you shouldn't talk… What has talking changed?" She looked at me with eyes wide open, slightly weeping, tears running down.
"Listen to me, A—," I let out a sigh and wiped my eyes a bit. "I promise I… I am being consumed inside out. Show me an ounce of pity, would you—"
"I don't do stuff because I pity you, L—. Why do you think what I do or say is because it's my responsibility or something? Whatever I do or say, my care for you, everything, is because I have it and I want to. I know I'm selfish, but put your faith in my decision. I'll bring us bliss by abandoning us. You will understand and grow too."
"But A—, it's not just about love and romance. Why… you tell me to put myself inside of you, but why do you always manage to repel my words? It's as if you close your ears every time my heart is screaming."
Her damp eyes suddenly filled with anger, and I could feel a strong sense of anger and shiver inside of her. She quickly rushed over, almost stumbling, and looked me in the eyes, pointing at me yet again.
"You…" she yelled, coughing, "Yo-you." She pointed at me. "You know what, whatever you said is true. I don't care. Go away."
My eyes widened, and my stomach dropped, though a part of me knew—no, I knew she didn't mean it. However, I wanted to believe her words; I wanted to give myself a reason to despise her and make her seem low. I didn't do anything and stared at her with utter disbelief and unamusement. Even hatred and disgust could be seen in my eyes now.
"I hate you," I said. She looked at me again with great attention, and all the anger that had built up in her eyes went away in an instant. Suddenly, she gave me a warm, hopeless look, her eyes widened as the tears in her eyes had stopped flowing.
"That is amazing," she said.
"That is amazing." Oh… those words kept echoing inside of my mind, bouncing again and again. Each moment, the severity, tone, and volume kept increasing. My heart was pounding more, and I felt as if I was being skinned alive in my back. I felt weak, wanting to get down on my knees, to beg her to tell me it was all a lie, but I didn't know… I was aware that even if I begged, even if I ripped myself open, telling her to hold me, she wouldn't. How can she be so cruel? Yet why can't I help but be in love with someone so cruel? Why does she put me here and say she loves me when I detest the fact she ever loved me? And how can you say you loved me so much yet I have never felt loved?