Caelum Winslow. The 25-year-old S rank stood at the top with no backing. A more successful and perfect version of me. Compared to when I first saw him as he glared at the 'unwanted' guests, he felt more… mellow. Almost as if he was actively trying not to scare me. To reach out to me. The fact that he was walking on eggshells around me, made me feel a pang of guilt for being envious.
"Did you sleep well?" He asked as he put the basket on the table next to me.
I didn't say anything. The word 'yes' didn't roll out of my tongue right away and I lost the perfect moment to make it sound believable. So I opted for the less confrontational way and said nothing.
I didn't notice I was looking at his face until he turned his face to look right at my eyes. I flinched and tore my eyes away and looked down on my nails. He looked so similar to me. A confident and mature version of me. I felt like a pathetic blob in front of him. Maybe because he looked so much like how I wished to be, it was harder for me to put up a front. Because he looked so much like me, I felt like I was an open book with all my shortcomings spilling out for him to see, to criticize. It would have been easier to deal with this if he was picking me apart. His gentle demeanor only made things… uncomfortable.
He sat down next to me on the bed and quietly cut an apple into bite-size pieces. The silence was crushing me. I was scared. What if I slip up and he figures out that I'm not his sister? The idea of someone with my face looking down at me with abhorrence was enough to make me sweat buckets in the air-conditioned room.
Things would've been easier if he realized it and just killed me. Then, I don't have to deal with myself.
"-Ciel."
"Yes?"
I looked up and saw him holding out a piece of apple with a toothpick.
"...Thanks." I took it from him and ate it. He continued to feed me until the plate was empty. I could tell that he was waiting to talk about something as soon as I was fed. I don't know what it may be but this is nerve-wrecking.
He waited until I drank water and wiped my face. He took my hands in his. His touch sent goosebumps down my skin.
"Ciel."
"Yes." That word barely made it out of my throat. Why was I having such a hard time talking?
"How long do you intend to keep it all inside?"
Huh?
"I don't…"
"Do you know how frustrating it is when you see someone who needs help but you can't do anything because they don't allow it? Why won't you let us help you?"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"You haven't told us what happened to you. The doctors won't say anything because you explicitly said that you don't want them to tell anyone. And then those arrogant Association b*st*rds came and treated you like you were a criminal… And every day your dark circles get progressively worse."
…I guess it makes sense that he's worried. But… just the reminder of what happened to me was enough to make me nauseous.
"…please tell me what happened."
It took me some time to answer as I agonized over the words to use to best describe it without breaking down. I took a deep breath.
"I rejected someone's advances as politely as I could but since they are from an 'Elite' family line, he didn't take it well… and he… well, he… It was a matter of pride for him so…."
The closer I got to the incident, the more my voice would refuse to come. By that point, I was mumbling.
"Ciel."
His voice was suddenly stern and scared the life out of me.
"Look at me."
"..."
"Ciel, look at me."
One of his hands rested on my shoulder and held me firmly.
Who knew it was this hard to raise my head? It felt like I was fighting against tremendous pressure on my neck. When I barely straightened my head and looked through my hair, I saw him looking straight at me. He let go of my hands and brushed the hair aside from my face and held my hands again.
"You don't have to explain yourself to me as if you did something wrong. I want to know what you went through."
I don't know whether it was because it looked like he wasn't mad at me or something else, but I blurted out without thinking through.
"I was raped. Then I Awakened. And I think I killed them."
He wrapped his arms around my shoulder and patted me on the back. I was taken aback as he was never physically affectionate in my fragmented memories.
"You did well."
…What?
"You did very well, Ciel."
…
"Thank you for being alive and coming back to us."
…
"Welcome home, Ciel."
Drip-drop. I don't know what it was about those words that made my heart hurt. The immense pain tore me apart. And the tears flowed out of the cracks. I wasn't happy to be alive. But it pained me to know there was someone happy that I was here. It made me feel guilty knowing that I still wanted to….
"...Let go of me."
He was confused as he loosened his hold. But I could no longer look him in the eye.
"What is it?"
"I'm dirty, so… please…"
He didn't say anything for some time and then,
"If you promise me something."
"...What?"
"That you will diligently consult with a therapist."
That shouldn't be too hard.
"...Alright. I promise."
He let go.
Caelum didn't leave immediately after. In fact, we talked some more and had some snacks together. As we conversed, I realized that either I and this world's Ciel are the same person, or Caelum is an extremely good actor.
He didn't leave until the nurse came and put me to sleep.
That night I had no nightmares.
Unbeknownst to Ciel, a certain Elite family was wiped off the face of the earth. The family members, their assets, and everything related to them vanished into thin air. As if they never existed.