So, fun fact about being reborn as a walking nuke: people tend to notice.
Especially when you accidentally vaporize a top-secret military facility.
Yeah. Not my finest moment. But in my defense, they tried to inject me with glowing green juice while calling it "Project: Liberty Phoenix." Which, let's be honest, sounds like something you'd find in a Mountain Dew flavor test.
Anyway, I woke up under rubble. Shirtless. Glowing. Covered in serum-guts. And thinking one thing:
"Where the hell is my theme music?"
I managed to wiggle free from the metal debris, my new superhuman muscles doing their best Chris Hemsworth-as-Thor impression. And as I stood up, the remains of a titanium alloy table literally slid off my body like I was buttered in ego and chaos.
Note to self: ego feels amazing when it comes with super strength.
My first instinct was to look around for pants. My second instinct was to flex in the broken mirror, because — and I cannot stress this enough — I was ripped. Like, "Captain America meets Greek God meets gym rat with abandonment issues" ripped.
"Alright," I muttered to myself, striking a power pose. "Name's Benjamin now. Twenty-one years old in body, twenty-one mentally but with trauma seasoning, and recently reborn with powers unknown. I'm basically a sentient crossover event."
And then, I heard it.
Boots. Shouting. Guns cocking. Sirens. Classic post-boom party playlist.
Ah, the U.S. military. Those loveable bastards.
"Subject Benjamin is alive!" someone yelled."Contain him!" another barked."He's naked again!" a third screamed, more emotionally than logistically.
And that's when Plan Dumbass Alpha kicked in.
Run.
I sprinted. Correction: I blurred. My feet hit the ground like I owed gravity money and I wasn't planning to pay it back. Through metal doors, past panicking scientists, I tore through walls like the Kool-Aid Man on cocaine.
"Oh yeah!" I yelled, completely unironically, as I shoulder-checked my way into the hallway labeled "AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY." (That's me now, baby. I'm the authority.)
I needed clothes, food, and a decent pair of sunglasses. In that order.
I turned into the first room I found, raided a locker, and scored myself a military jacket, some pants (a bit tight in the thigh region — thanks, super serum), and a pair of combat boots that made me feel like I was about to drop the hottest mixtape of 1940.
Oh, and sunglasses? Yeah, found some welding goggles. Close enough. I put them on, looked in the mirror, and said:
"I'm Soldier Boy's cooler, sassier, chaotic bisexual cousin. Let's go."
Meanwhile, internal monologue Ben (a.k.a. the goblin part of my brain) was screaming:
"Bro, you just exploded a facility and now you're LARPing as the Winter Soldier's problematic stepbrother. WHAT IS THE PLAN?"
Glad you asked, goblin me. The plan is: figure out what powers I actually have, find out if Captain America still exists in this world, try not to die, and maybe, just maybe... punch Hitler in the face.
Also, therapy. Eventually.
Probably.
Maybe.
Okay definitely not.
Somewhere in a Very Panicked War Room
"We lost him.""He destroyed the entire lab. The serum — the prototype — it's all gone.""Gone?! He IS the prototype now!""Do we classify him as an asset?""He turned a tank into spaghetti with his bare hands. No. He's a threat. A walking war crime in a bomber jacket."
Back to Me, Your Favorite Disaster
I eventually found my way out of the base. Don't ask how. It involved a laundry chute, three accidental knockouts, and one very weird moment with a janitor named Carl who swore I was the "chosen one" before fainting.
So here I am. Outside. Somewhere in New York. 1940s America. Hungry, homeless, handsome.
The world's not ready for me. But that's okay.
Because I'm not ready for it either.
Cue the dramatic slow-motion strut down an alleyway as jazz music plays.
To Be Continued...
Next time: Benjamin meets someone from the future he wasn't expecting, discovers one of his powers is actually busted, and maybe, just maybe, breaks into a museum to steal a hot dog and declare himself a time-displaced demigod.