Monica, Joey, Chandler, Phoebe, and Roy are sitting around their usual spot. Roy's lounging on the arm of the couch, tossing peanuts into his mouth with lazy accuracy, a half-smile always ready.
Monica:There's nothing to tell! He's just some guy I work with!
Joey:C'mon, you're going out with the guy! There's gotta be something wrong with him!
Chandler:So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?
Phoebe:Wait, does he eat chalk?
(The others stare at her, bemused.)
Phoebe:Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl—oh!
Roy:(grinning, deadpan)Wait, Carl ate chalk?
Phoebe:He said it helped his digestion. But I think he just liked the crunch.
Monica:Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and—not having sex.
Chandler:Sounds like a date to me.
Roy:(leans in, mock-whispering to Joey)She says that now. Cut to three dinners later: boom—dessert at his place.
(They laugh. Cut to same set, later.)
Chandler:Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I am totally naked.
All:Oh, yeah. Had that dream.
Chandler:Then I look down, and I realize there's a phone... there.
Joey:Instead of...?
Chandler:That's right.
Joey:Never had that dream.
Phoebe:Nope.
Roy:(confused)Am I the only one whose dream phone had a dial tone? Like, full service and everything?
Chandler:All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. And it turns out it's my mother, which is very weird, because—she never calls me!
(Ross enters, looking miserable.)
Ross:(mortified) Hi.
Joey:This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.
Monica:Are you okay, sweetie?
Ross:I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck...
Chandler:Cookie?
Monica:(explaining to the others) Carol moved her stuff out today. (to Ross) Let me get you some coffee.
Phoebe:Ooh! Oh!(starts plucking at the air just in front of Ross)
Ross:No, no don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just leave my aura alone, okay? I'll be fine, alright? Really, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy.
Monica:No you don't.
Ross:No I don't, to hell with her, she left me!
Joey:And you never knew she was a lesbian...
Ross:No!! Okay?! Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know, how should I know?
Chandler:Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian...(The others stare at him)Did I say that out loud?
Roy:(grinning)Hey man, live your truth. We support you.
Joey:Alright Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is?
(Ross gestures his consent.)
Joey:Strip joint! C'mon, you're single! Have some hormones!
Roy:You heard the man—therapy through glitter and questionable decisions.
Ross:I don't want to be single, okay? I just... I just— I just wanna be married again!
(Enter Rachel in a wet wedding dress. She starts to search around the room.)
Chandler:And I just want a million dollars!(extends his hand hopefully)
Roy: (Imitating chandler)And I just want free pizza for life.
(The group chuckles as Rachel, still in her drenched wedding dress, continues scanning the café like she's walked into a different planet.)
Monica:Rachel?!
Rachel:Oh God Monica, hi! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here—and you are, you are!
Waitress:Can I get you some coffee?
Monica(pointing at Rachel):De-caff.(to the gang)Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor.(to Rachel)This is everybody—this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey,Roy and—you remember my brother Ross?
Rachel:Hi, sure!
Ross:Hi.(They go to hug but Ross's umbrella awkwardly opens. He sighs and sits, defeated again.)
Roy(cheerfully):Like a stray puppy. Only with better hair and a refined palate for free coffee.
Rachel(smiling, amused):Nice to meet you, Roy.
Roy(grinning):You too.
(A moment of silence as Rachel sits. The others glance at her, waiting for her to explain.)
Monica:So, you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?
Rachel:Oh God... well, it started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat.
When all of a sudden—(to waitress, who brings her coffee)Sweet 'n' Lo?—I realized that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry!
And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it hit me: how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y'know? I mean, he always looked familiar, but...
Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering, "Why am I doing this, and who am I doing this for?"
(to Monica)So anyway, I just didn't know where to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city.
Monica:Who wasn't invited to the wedding.
Rachel:Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue...
Roy(sipping his drink, playfully):Too late. The coffee's already judging you.
(The group chuckles, easing the tension a little as Rachel looks around at this strange, cozy new chapter of her life.)
MONICA'S APARTMENT. ALL WATCHING A SPANISH SOAP OPERA ON TV.]
Monica:Now I'm guessing that he bought her the big pipe organ, and she's really not happy about it.
Rachel(on phone):Daddy, I just... I can't marry him! I'm sorry. I just don't love him. Well, it matters to me!
Chandler(re: TV):Ooh, she should not be wearing those pants.
Joey:I say push her down the stairs.
Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, Joey:Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs!(She is pushed down the stairs. They cheer.)
Roy(mouth full of popcorn):Plot twist—she lands it, scores a 10, and joins the Olympics.
Joey(grinning):Only if the stairs are made of trampolines.
Rachel(still on the phone):C'mon Daddy, listen to me! All of my life, everyone has always told me, "You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe!" And today I just stopped and I said, "What if I don't wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a— a purse, y'know? Or a— or a hat!"No, I'm not saying I want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a ha— It's a metaphor, Daddy!
Ross:You can see where he'd have trouble.
Roy(to Ross, mock serious):She's evolving. Shoe to purse is a big jump. Next stop: briefcase.
Chandler(deadpan):Yeah, and if we're lucky, she'll climb all the way to "emotional baggage" by next week.
[LATER, RACHEL IS BREATHING INTO A PAPER BAG.]
Monica:Just breathe, breathe... that's it. Just try to think of nice calm things...
Phoebe(sings):Raindrops on roses and rabbits and kittens......bluebells and sleighbells and—something with mittens... la la la la...
Rachel:I'm all better now.
Phoebe(grins, heading to the kitchen):I helped!
Roy(nodding sagely):You fixed her with show tunes. You're basically a doctor now.
Phoebe(calling back):Yup! And my co-pay is one hug and a cookie.
Monica:Okay, look, this is probably for the best, y'know? Independence. Taking control of your life.
Joey(sitting beside Rachel):And hey, you need anything, you can always come to Joey.Me and Chandler live across the hall.And he's away a lot.
Roy(from the couch):And I crash here so often, the couch started asking for my mailing address.
Chandler(without looking up):And I told the couch to forward the mail to mine.
(DOORBELL BUZZES. CHANDLER GETS IT.)
Chandler:Please don't do that again, it's a horrible sound.
Paul(over intercom):Uh, it's, uh, it's Paul.
Monica(perking up):Buzz him in!
Joey:Who's Paul?
Ross:Paul the Wine Guy, Paul?
Monica:Maybe.
Joey:Wait. Your 'not a real date' tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy?
Ross:He finally asked you out?
Monica:Yes!
Chandler:Ooh, this is a Dear Diary moment.
Monica:Rach, wait, I can cancel...
Rachel:Please, no, go, that'd be fine!
Monica(to Ross):Are, are you okay? I mean, do you want me to stay?
Ross(choked voice):That'd be good...
Monica(horrified):Really?
Ross(normal voice):No, go on! It's Paul the Wine Guy!
(KNOCK AT THE DOOR. MONICA GETS IT; IT'S PAUL.)
Monica:Hi, come in! Paul, this is— (gestures to everyone)—everybody.Everybody, this is Paul.
All:Hey! Paul! Hi! The Wine Guy! Hey!
Chandler(deadpan):I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?
Roy(leans in toward Paul):Quick question. Are you a "wine guy" because you drink it, sell it, or bathe in it?
Paul(trying to laugh it off):Uh… mostly the first one?
Joey(patting Paul's shoulder):That's the right answer, buddy. Nobody wants a Pinot Noir bubble bath guy.
Phoebe:Ooh, I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't be good.
Roy(to Phoebe):Make a wish. But not a big one, you only get one-quarter wish power.
Phoebe(tilts her head):That's very specific. I like it.
Ross: So Rachel, what're you, uh… what're you up to tonight?
Rachel: Well, I was kinda supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon, so nothing!
Ross: Right, you're not even getting your honeymoon, God… No, no, although, Aruba, this time of year... talk about your— (thinks) —big lizards...
Ross: Anyway, if you don't feel like being alone tonight, Joey, Roy and Chandler are coming over to help me put together my new furniture.
Chandler(deadpan): Yes, and we're very excited about it.
Roy(mock heroic tone): I've already claimed the Allen wrench. I'm not saying I'm the backbone of the operation, but... I am.
Rachel: Well actually thanks, but I think I'm just gonna hang out here tonight...
Ross: Okay, sure.
Joey: Hey Pheebs, you wanna help?
Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.
Roy(to Joey, nudging him): That's the spirit. Honest flakiness. Respect.
Ross: You know what the scariest part is? What if there's only one woman for everybody, y'know? I mean what if you get one woman— and that's it? Unfortunately in my case, there was only one woman— for her...
Joey: What are you talking about? 'One woman'? That's like saying there's only one flavour of ice cream for you. Lemme tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavours out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing! Cherry Vanilla. You could get 'em with Jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! This is the best thing that ever happened to you! You got married, you were, like, what, eight? Welcome back to the world! Grab a spoon!
Ross: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.
Chandler: Stay out of my freezer!
Roy(leans forward, sincere): You know, sometimes it's not about finding the right flavor. Sometimes it's just about remembering that your taste buds change. What you wanted at eight might not be what you need now.
Joey(blinks, impressed): Whoa. That's deep, man.
Roy(grinning): I have layers. Like tiramisu.
Chandler(deadpan): Great. Now I'm sad and craving dessert.
Ross: (SCORNFUL) Grab a spoon. Do you know how long it's been since I've grabbed a spoon? Do the words 'Billy, don't be a hero' mean anything to you? Y'know, here's the thing. Even if I could get it together enough to- to ask a woman out,... who am I gonna ask? (GAZES OUT OF THE WINDOW)
NEXT MORNING
Rachel: (Excited) Isn't this amazing? I mean, I have never made coffee before in my entire life.
Chandler: (Deadpan) That is amazing.
Joey: (With a grin) Congratulations. And while you're on a roll, if you feel like you gotta make like a Western omelette or something... (Joey and Chandler both taste the coffee, grimace, and pour it into a plant pot) Although actually, I'm really not that hungry...
Roy: (Chuckles from the couch) Yeah, Rachel, you're gonna need a new career path if coffee's on your resume. Maybe you could be an interior decorator for plants. They're gonna be your first clients with that brew.
Rachel: (Laughs) Yeah, I think I've already ruined that plant's day.
(ENTER MONICA FROM HER ROOM)
All: Morning. Good morning.
(ENTER PAUL FROM MONICA'S ROOM)
Paul: Morning.
Joey: (Grinning): (Warmly) Hello, Paul.
Rachel: (Warmly) Hello, Paul.
Roy : (Smirking) Hello, Paul.
Chandler: (Sarcastic) Hi, Paul, is it?
Monica: I had a really great time last night.
Paul: (Smiling) Thank you. Thank you so much.
Monica: We'll talk later, okay?
Paul: Yeah. (They kiss) Thank you. (Paul exits)
Joey: (Confused) That wasn't a real date?! What the hell do you do on a real date?
Roy: (Still grinning) Wait, that was a date? I thought it was just a rehearsal for their eventual walk down the aisle. Next time, let's all go and really show Paul what a "date" looks like.
Monica: (Laughs) Shut up, and put my table back.
All: (In unison) Okayyy! (They do)
SCENE: MONICA'S APARTMENT. MONICA IS BUSY AT THE TABLE, WORKING. THE DOOR OPENS.)
Frannie: (Enthusiastically) Hey, Monica!
Monica: (Smiling, looking up from her work) Hey, welcome back! How was Florida?
Frannie: (Leaning in, smirking) You had sex, didn't you?
Monica: (Flustered) How do you do that?
Frannie: (With a grin) So? Who?
Monica: (A bit shy) You know Paul?
Frannie: (Surprised) Paul the Wine Guy? Oh yeah, I know Paul.
Monica: (Nervously) You mean you know Paul like I know Paul?
Frannie: (Laughing) Are you kidding? I take credit for Paul. Y'know, before me, there was no snap in his turtle for two years.
************************
Joey: Of course it was a line!
Monica: Why?! Why? Why, why would anybody do something like that?
Ross: I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than 'to get you into bed'.
Monica: Is it me? Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear?
Roy: Hey, I'd say it's a universal problem. You're not alone. Men with issues are kind of an epidemic. Just look at me.
Joey: (Looking at Roy) Wait, you have issues too?
Roy: (Smirking) Oh, I have plenty. I mean, who doesn't? But hey, I'm working on it. (Pauses) Mostly.
Phoebe: All right, c'mere, gimme your feet.
Monica: (Sighs, leaning back) I just thought he was nice, y'know?
Joey: (BURSTS OUT LAUGHING AGAIN) I can't believe you didn't know it was a line!
Monica: (Pushing him off the sofa, glaring) You think you're funny, don't you?
Roy: (Laughing) You know, it's like that time I tried to impress a girl by fixing her car. Turns out, I didn't know the first thing about engines. So, yeah, I've been there.
Monica: (Raises eyebrow) You're just as bad as Joey.
Roy: (Grinning) What can I say? I learn from the best.
(Enter Rachel with shopping bags, looking overly excited.)
Rachel: Guess what?
Ross: You got a job?
Rachel: (Sighs dramatically) Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed out of twelve interviews today.
Chandler: And yet you're surprisingly upbeat.
Rachel: You would be too if you found John and David boots on sale, fifty percent off!
Chandler: Oh, how well you know me...
Rachel: They're my new 'I don't need a job, I don't need my parents, I've got great boots' boots!
Monica: (Looking skeptical) How'd you pay for them?
Rachel: (Shifting uncomfortably) Uh, credit card.
Monica: And who pays for that?
Rachel: (Awkward) Um... my... father.
Roy: (Chiming in) You know, I think that's a pretty good plan. I mean, if my dad was paying for things, I'd probably just keep buying stuff until my credit card maxed out. (Laughs)
Monica: (Looking at Roy) Seriously?
Roy: Hey, I'm just saying, it's tempting.
Monica's apartment
Monica: C'mon, you can't live off your parents your whole life.
Rachel: (Defensive) I know that. That's why I was getting married.
Phoebe: (Nodding sympathetically) Give her a break, it's hard being on your own for the first time.
Rachel: (Relieved) Thank you.
Phoebe: You're welcome. I remember when I first came to this city. I was fourteen. My mom had just killed herself and my step-dad was back in prison, and I got here, and I didn't know anybody. And I ended up living with this albino guy who was, like, cleaning windows outside port authority, and then he killed himself, and then I found aromatherapy. So believe me, I know exactly how you feel.
(A long, awkward pause.)
Roy: (Breaking the silence, nods thoughtfully) Yeah... I was twelve . I don't know how I got on streets until I met phoebe i lived day by day with fear then I got adopted but hey, at least now I have a place to stay and friends who don't kill themselves on me.
Ross: (Trying to lighten the mood) The word you're looking for is 'Anyway'...
Monica: (Gesturing to the scissors) You ready?
Rachel: (Hesitant) I don't think so.
Roy: (Puts his hand on Rachel's shoulder) It's okay, you don't have to do it now. I mean, we could always just... put the scissors down and get another coffee, right?
Rachel: (Smiling) You really think I should skip cutting up my credit cards for another cup of coffee?
Roy: (Grinning) Well, it's the weekend. Maybe there's no rush. Live a little.
All: (Chanting) Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut...
(Rachel cuts the cards up. The group cheers.)
Monica: (Grinning) Welcome to the real world! It sucks. You're gonna love it!
Monica: Well, that's it.
Rachel: (Turning to Ross) You gonna crash on the couch?
Ross: No. No, I gotta go home sometime.
Monica: (Concerned) You be okay?
Ross: (Nods) Yeah.
Rachel: (Picking up a watch from the floor) Hey Mon, look what I just found on the floor.
Monica: (Smiles knowingly) What?
Rachel: (Holding up the watch) That's Paul's watch.
Monica: (Casually) Oh, just put it back where you found it.
(Monica stomps on the watch and heads to her room.)
Ross: (Watching Monica leave) Mmm. (Both he and Rachel reach for the last cookie.)
Rachel: (Laughs) Oh, no, you go ahead.
Roy: (Smiling) You know, I've got a better idea. Why don't we just break it in half? Teamwork!
Ross: (Grinning) Split it?
Rachel: (Nods) Yeah, okay.
Roy: Hey, Rachel if you want, you can work at my coffee shop for some cash or just to get by until you find something more stable."
Rachel: "Aw, Roy, seriously? That's so sweet of you. Thank you! I might actually take you up on that—at least until I figure out what I'm doing with my life.
Roy: okay bye Ross , Rachel
Ross: (Pauses, then shyly) You know you probably didn't know this, but back in high school, I had a, um, major crush on you.
Rachel: (Surprised) I knew.
Ross: (Flabbergasted) You did! Oh... I always figured you just thought I was Monica's geeky older brother.
Rachel: (Laughing) I did.
Roy: (Grinning) Yeah, I've been there too. Sometimes you just gotta take the leap, right?
Ross: (Pauses, then shyly) Oh. Listen, do you think—try not to let my intense vulnerability become any kind of a factor here—but do you think it would be okay if I asked you out? Sometime? Maybe?
Rachel: (Thinking it over) Yeah, maybe...
Roy: (Teasing) Oh, I'm getting popcorn ready for this!
Ross: (Smiling) Okay... okay, maybe I will...
Rachel: (Smiling back) Goodnight.
Roy: (To Ross) Good luck, man.
(Exit Rachel to her bedroom. Monica enters wearing a dressing gown as Ross is leaving.)
Monica: (Curious) See ya.... Wait, wait, what's with you?
Ross: (Grinning) I just grabbed a spoon. (Exit Ross.)
********************
Joey: (Laughing) I can't believe what I'm hearing here.
Phoebe: (Singing) I can't believe what I'm hearing here...
Monica: (Annoyed) What? I-I said you had a—
Phoebe: (Singing) What I said...
Monica: (To Phoebe) Would you stop?
Phoebe: (Laughing) Oh, was I doing it again?
(Rachel enters, holding a pot of coffee.)
Rachel: Would anybody like more coffee?
Chandler: (Teasing) Did you make it, or are you just serving it?
Rachel: (Grinning) I'm just serving it.
Roy: (Joking) Wait, are you sure it's not going into the plant pot this time?
All: (In unison) Yeah. Yeah, I'll have a cup of coffee.
Chandler: (Suddenly animated) Kids, new dream... I'm in Las Vegas. I'm Liza Minelli.
A/N: This is an experimental chapter. I'd like to know if you prefer chapters to be this long with the full script included, or if you'd rather have a slightly shortened version that skips some scenes or summarizes certain dialogues. If you have any suggestions or feedback on how to improve the pacing or format, I'd really appreciate it!