Tia Ramelan stared at the newest reservation email with the intensity of someone praying it was a prank.
Subject:WEDDING WEEKEND – 12 guests + 1 poltergeist
Message:
Hi Tia!We LOVED your listing and the "authentically haunted ambiance." We're booking our micro-wedding at your inn this weekend! It's themed "Til Death Do Us Party." Guests include my exorcist cousin (don't worry, he's retired), my fiancé's emotional support goat, and our officiant who may or may not be possessed. Can't wait!– Briella & Chad 💀💍
Tia screamed into a pillow until the chandelier blinked twice in concern.
"Why?" she moaned to DJ Deadbeat, who was using a Ouija board to remix whale songs. "Why would anyone want to get married here?"
"It's the vibes," Deadbeat said. "Nothing says commitment like a ghost that can't leave."
Lady Eugenia floated in, looking faintly scandalized. "Marriage? Here? In my house?"
"You were married, weren't you?" Tia asked.
"Yes, but tastefully. In a fog garden. With screaming roses."
Ellis held up a sign:"Do we have 12 pillows?"Below it, he scribbled:"Do ghosts count as guests?"
Mr. Floofers bit the edge of a veil Tia had panic-bought online.
Friday arrived like a haunted freight train.
The wedding party pulled up in three hearses, two Ubers, and one mysterious fog cloud that later turned out to be Lana Graves with a dramatic reentrance.
Briella was a pastel goth with glittery eye shadow and combat boots. Chad wore a skull tie and smiled like he didn't believe in taxes.
Their guests? Chaos.
One ring bearer named Lucien (age 5, feral, possibly undead).
A best man named Trevor who only communicated via ghost-hunting app.
And Aunt Moira, the exorcist-turned-influencer, who insisted on blessing each pillow before sitting.
"This is the best day of my life," Briella whispered, hugging a portrait that moaned gently.
Ba'zaroth returned that night. With paperwork.
"I'm invoking Clause 666-C," he announced, appearing in the middle of the wedding rehearsal wearing a crushed velvet tuxedo and a smirk.
Tia blinked. "That's not a real clause."
"It is now," he purred, unfurling a scroll made from regret and unpaid taxes. "No celebrations of eternal union may be held in a dwelling of spiritual instability without proper demon consultation."
Ellis scribbled furiously:"Do we have a demon consultation budget?"
Ba'zaroth wagged a clawed finger. "Either I officiate… or the wedding is cursed."
Briella gasped. "Honestly? That sounds kind of iconic."
"NO," Tia snapped. "You're not turning their vows into a legal trap."
Ba'zaroth sighed. "Fine. But if anything… unforeseen happens, I wash my claws of it."
Then he disappeared into the fog, muttering about contract law and hors d'oeuvres.
Things started going wrong almost immediately.
The wedding arch caught fire. Twice. No source. Just vibes.
Lucien got stuck in the dumbwaiter and claimed he "met God, and she was annoyed."
Trevor's ghost app kept screaming "RUN" every time it faced the bridal bouquet.
Lady Eugenia hovered ominously. "Something's off."
"You think?" Tia whispered, holding a melting cake topper.
"That arch didn't ignite from ghost energy," Eugenia muttered. "That's external interference. Demonic. Very… velvet-scented."
They shared a look.
"Ba'zaroth," they said in unison.
And then the officiant started levitating.
Father Caleb, a mild-mannered ex-priest-turned-ceremony-host, had just begun the vows when his eyes rolled back, his voice dropped two octaves, and he began speaking in IKEA assembly instructions.
The goat fainted.
DJ Deadbeat dropped a beat so hard it briefly knocked the chandelier into another dimension.
Everyone screamed.
Except Lana, who filmed the whole thing with a voiceover:
"And here we witness the chaos of eternal devotion. God, I love weddings."
Tia leapt onto the altar, slapped Father Caleb with a rolled-up vow scroll, and shouted, "NOT TODAY, DEMON DAD."
Ba'zaroth reappeared on the roof.
"You can't stop true bureaucracy," he cackled.
Lady Eugenia flew upward like a haunted missile. "This is my house. My drama."
A beam of ghost light shot from the chimney.
Ba'zaroth howled. The fog turned pink.
Tia turned to the wedding party. "Keep going! Say the vows! Say them now!"
Briella, unfazed, grabbed Chad's hand. "I do."
"I do too!" Chad shouted.
"Then by the power invested in me by mild panic and ghost capitalism," Tia yelled, "you're married!"
Confetti rained from the ceiling. Some of it was haunted.
The goat woke up and bleated in harmony.
Ba'zaroth vanished with a final hiss of, "You haven't seen the last clause…"
That night, the reception was legendary.
Lana DJ'd. Ellis made ghost cocktails. Lady Eugenia slow-danced with the chandelier.
Tia sat with Mr. Floofers on the front porch, watching stars.
"You did good," Eugenia said softly, floating beside her. "You saved a love story."
Tia smiled. "I didn't think this house could handle a wedding."
"It didn't," Eugenia said. "You did."
Tia blinked. "Was that… a compliment?"
The chandelier flickered in agreement.
Inside, DJ Deadbeat raised a toast:"To haunted homes, spooky weddings, and the best B&B boss ever!"
Everyone cheered. Even the toaster.
Even the ghost horse.
Even Ba'zaroth, probably—grumbling somewhere in legal hell.