[Opening prologue: opening inner monologue of the mc]
"I've always wondered — was it always like this?
Was it a dream, a lucid one perhaps?
Or a hallucination?
I face a dilemma whenever I try to figure out whether to call that event a nightmare…
or a dream — a blissful one, at best.
Since I was stuck in a dreadful phenomenon, I'd like to call it a nightmare.
But on the contrary — I found the love of my life within that catastrophe,
which made me forget the seriousness of the situation.
Or rather...
it made me calm.
And that's why I'm tempted to call it a dream —
as it was not bad enough to consider it a nightmare, given the reasoning.
Everything felt strange —
like I was trapped in a deep sleep I couldn't wake up from.
It sounded stupid, even ridiculous,
to think about something so unnatural,
to even think about that event being the truth.
But I couldn't help it —
I felt like I was going insane.
It was like being buried deep inside my subconscious.
And oddly enough, that felt like the most rational explanation.
But then…
my whole life — from birth until that point — started to feel questionable, slowly-slowly.
And my heart and brain?
They turned on against each other.
From the bottom of my heart,
I tried to accept things as they were.
But my brain refused,
constantly insisting everything was irrational, impossible, unreal.
If I listened to my heart,
I felt a little delighted — and a little sadness too.
Why I felt delighted??
Because, deep down, I wanted the anomaly to be real.
The reason?
Her.
And the thrills and fun I deep down experienced.
I am not a masochist, nor a sadist —
but maybe these thrills I experienced were because of her.
Honestly,
she was the root of everything.
Now the sadness??
It's the conflict of my heart and my brain,
and choosing a side was very difficult.
And deep down, I wanted my heart to lead,
because if it did,
maybe I'd be happy.
And honestly,
my heart made sense.
Everything felt real and palpable.
Yet I still hovered in that middle ground —
stuck between intuition and logic,
because my intuition sided with both my heart and my brain.
Siding with my brain was complicated —
especially since my intuition partially agreed with it,
and my rationality was rooting for my brain.
My brain insisted that I was stuck in my deep subconscious mind —
that this was just a lucid dream or nightmare whatsoever.
Trying to figure out where this so-called "dream" began…
that was the hardest part.
There were a few possibilities:
---
1.
If I've been stuck in this "dream" from the very beginning —
even before my "past" trauma —
that would mean losing her would be the only sadness I'd endure.
And I'd be glad that the trauma I faced in my "dream" was just a nightmare —
and that none of that terror was real.
And this so-called dream would be a nightmare…
or maybe a mix of both,
since I was trapped in two layers of trauma.
But I discarded that theory.
Because I only started feeling unreal after the phenomenon occurred —
or maybe I was just not able to notice it earlier??
Well, who knows.
It felt like my whole existence was a joke and a lie.
Or maybe my brain was more tensed than me,
and it started questioning my entire existence.
---
2.
If I were to wake up during my ongoing trauma…
from my "past" —
that would be the worst outcome.
And honestly,
I'd rather stay asleep forever than let that be true.
---
It felt like my brain was confused by its own logic.
And to be honest,
my brain could be wrong,
since it was fed by the information of already existing laws of physics.
All these anomalies defied those laws —
so it was fitted in my mind to discard such stuff.
Everything was ambiguous.
As for my intuition?
Even worse — a mess of contradictions.
But my heart —
it was stubborn.
Its reasoning held a strange kind of clarity,
though it still seemed unlikely.
Meanwhile,
my brain had all the rational points —
but they only contradicted each other.
This fight was not just between my brain and my heart,
different layers of my consciousness started to go against each other too.
I was tired of making theories, hypotheses,
and coming up with stupid conclusions —
which never satisfied either my heart, my brain or my consciousnesses.
My brain called me pathetic and selfless,
and opposed my will for my heart's plausibility to be true —
stating that I was a lovesick puppy not wanting all these traumas to be just a dream,
and rather letting them be the reality.
I was deep down ashamed of that too.
And my heart?
It was calling me selfish and pathetic as well —
stating that I'd want everything to be a dream and lose the person who soothed me the most during the havoc.
And to say at best —
my heart was more cruel than my brain,
since my heart was trying to consider the traumas negligible,
as they were just past stuff and should be let go,
and was paying more attention to the present.
UGH.
I just don't understand.
I feel like I am being torn apart.
The deeper I try to figure the conclusion out,
the more contradicted everything becomes.
And I feel like I should just give up and just let things be as they are,
and go with the flow —
I should live with the "whatever happens, will happen" mindset.
But my curiosity was an another issue —
one which was eating me out.
Even wandering through an infinite labyrinth was more bearable than this mental crisis I was facing.
I forcefully had to be patient,
or else it would cost me my physical health.
Am I both selfish and selfless?
It was hard to determine.
Guess sometimes you have to be neutral nonetheless.
Is it pathetic to consider love pathetic??
Is it pathetic to put love over yourself??
But now,
looking at the situation,
and placing both possibilities side by side…
I'd rather wake up —
and hope for my brain's plausibility to win —
and lose her as if she were just a fragment of my imagination,
than lose her literally for the rest of my life."