Daric twirled the tiny sardine trophy in his hand, contemplating the absurdity of his life.
Here he was—a legendary hunter, world-saver, slayer of poultry gods—planning a coup against a council of cats.
Kaelen, meanwhile, was sketching battle plans on a napkin. It mostly consisted of stick figures, question marks, and the words "flank with ferrets" circled aggressively.
"You realize," Daric said, sipping more terrible fish wine, "we could just live here peacefully, maybe open a bakery."
Kaelen grinned.
"And not overthrow an ancient feline ruling body?"
Daric sighed.
"Fine," he said, standing. "Let's make history."
—
Phase One: Gathering Allies.
They needed a force capable of challenging the Supreme Cat Council.
Fortunately, Meowtroplis was full of discontented groups.
First, the Alley Cat Syndicate—a group of tough, scarred felines tired of being taxed for their yarn collections.
Second, the Stray Union—a scrappy alliance of independent cats who refused to kneel to the Council's "mandatory naptime zones."
Third, the Buff Goat.
Because he was contractually obligated to follow Daric into chaos.
Negotiations went about as smoothly as expected, meaning Daric bribed them all with promises of free fish and unrestricted sunbathing rights.
A revolution was born.
—
Phase Two: The Grand Distraction.
To infiltrate the Citadel of Whiskers, they needed a distraction big enough to draw every guard's attention.
Kaelen, genius that he was, suggested "The Great Yarn Explosion."
Daric wasn't sure what that meant until he saw it.
Five thousand metric tons of enchanted yarn balls enchanted to bounce endlessly once activated.
At precisely noon, Daric lit the fuse.
The explosion was beautiful.
Yarn balls rained from the heavens.
Cats screamed in delight and terror.
Guards abandoned their posts, pouncing, batting, and chasing after the endless bounty.
The Citadel was wide open.
"Move!" Daric shouted, charging through the chaos.
Kaelen followed buff goat in tow, weaving through an apocalyptic playground of pure feline bliss.
—
Phase Three: Confronting the Council.
They burst into the Grand Hall, skidding to a halt before a semi-circle of elaborately robed cats perched atop velvet thrones.
The Supreme Cat Council.
At their center sat the Chaircat, a massive Maine Coon whose flowing robes shimmered with enchantments.
"Who dares interrupt naptime?" the Chaircat boomed.
Daric stepped forward, shovel slung over his shoulder.
"Daric. Hunter, Hero, Dance-Off Champion."
Kaelen waved casually.
The Chaircat narrowed his golden eyes.
"And what is it you seek?"
"Reform," Daric said boldly. "Equal nap rights. Freedom to chase yarn as one pleases. An end to bacon taxation."
Murmurs of agreement rippled through the gathered cats.
The Chaircat hissed.
"Then you must defeat us... in TRIAL BY COMBAT."
Dramatic music played from nowhere.
Kaelen whispered, "I swear I just heard a bass drop."
Daric cracked his knuckles.
"Bring it."
—
Trial by Combat turned out to be a team obstacle course consisting of:
Pillow fort siegesLaser pointer evasion drillsUltimate Catnip Endurance Challenge
Daric tackled the pillow forts with brutal efficiency, hurling cushions like siege weapons.
Kaelen dodged laser pointers with terrifying grace, sliding and flipping like a caffeinated mongoose.
The Catnip Challenge, however, was brutal.
Exposed to pure, weaponized catnip, Daric found himself hallucinating.
He fought invisible ducks.
He argued with a tree.
He tried to marry a mop.
Only Kaelen dragging him bodily across the finish line saved them.
Finally, battered, bruised, and slightly traumatized, they stood victorious.
—
The Chaircat sighed deeply.
"By the ancient laws," he intoned, "you have won."
He removed his crown—a delicate tiara shaped like intertwined paws—and offered it to Daric.
Daric stared at it in horror.
"No," he said firmly. "Not."
Kaelen cackled.
Instead, Daric placed the tiara onto the buff goat's head.
The goat bleated majestically.
[New Title Bestowed: King Goat, Lord of Meowtroplis.]
The cats bowed low.
The buff goat flexed.
Daric dusted off his hands.
"Our work here is done," he said.
Kaelen slapped him on the back. "One city down. Infinity to go."
—
As they prepared to leave Meowtroplis, a new portal shimmered into existence.
[Ascension Path Unlocked: ???]
[Warning: Unknown Territory Ahead.]
Daric didn't even hesitate.
He grabbed Kaelen, the goat, and charged through.
Because whatever madness awaited...
It had to be better than running a city full of aristocratic cats.
(Probably.)