It was barely sunrise.
Kai was outside the Crooked Antler Inn, sipping something the locals swore was coffee but tasted suspiciously like burnt dirt mixed with sugar.
Tessa sat cross-legged on a barrel nearby, flipping a throwing knife between her fingers.
"You're surprisingly chill today," Kai noted.
"That's because nothing's exploded... yet," she said brightly.
As if summoned by irony, the town bell began to ring violently.
Not the nice, 'time for market' ring — the full panic mode, grab your socks and run ring.
Villagers poured into the streets. The mayor sprinted out of the town hall, robe flapping, yelling something about "Raiders!" and "Defensive postures!"
Kai dropped his dirt-coffee.
"Raiders?" he repeated.
Tessa was already moving, slinging her shortbow over her shoulder.
"Forkroot's on a major trade road," she said, grimacing. "Every couple of months some idiot warband tries to loot us. Usually they just ransack a few carts and leave."
"And today?"
"Today," she said, "they brought siege beasts."
Kai blinked. "Siege beasts?"
"Giant armored lizards with catapults strapped to their backs," she said, as if describing the weather.
"Coolcoolcool," Kai said, voice rising an octave. "Yeah. Normal Tuesday. Got it."
"Go get your murderwagon!" Tessa yelled as she sprinted toward the outer wall.
Kai bolted for the Goose.
Inside the Goose:
"Incoming threat detected," G.A.I.L. announced calmly as Kai slammed the doors shut. "Enemy forces include approximately twelve raiders, three siege beasts, and one individual in a flaming bird costume."
"Why is there always a flaming bird guy?" Kai groaned.
He grabbed the holographic upgrade console.
"Alright, Goose," he muttered. "Time to earn your fancy magic system."
The display blinked:
[MAGICAL SYSTEM ENHANCEMENT: AVAILABLE]
Energy Redistribution: Mana Channeling Auxiliary Weapon Systems: Drone Beam Upgrade Mobility Modifications: Hover Assist Mode
Kai grinned.
"All of the above, please."
[Initiating Upgrade Sequence...]
[WARNING: Minor aesthetic distortions may occur.]
The Goose rumbled ominously.
Outside, villagers gasped as blue mana circuits flared to life across the Goose's frame. Panels shifted. Vents hissed. A new set of retractable side cannons unfolded with satisfying shk-thunk noises.
Two stealth drones returned, docking into small charging pods. Above them, a new miniature railgun popped into existence with a cheerful beep.
"Mana upgrades complete," G.A.I.L. said proudly. "New combat designation: Tactical Command Vehicle, Mark II."
Kai cracked his knuckles.
"Let's kick some scaly butt."
The Battlefield:
At the town's southern field, it looked grim.
The raiders — rough, armor-scrap-wearing men and women — rode snarling beasts the size of vans. Three enormous siege lizards lumbered behind, each with catapults rigged to their spiky backs.
Kai rolled up, speakers blaring obnoxious fantasy battle music (he found a channel called "Epic Bards FM" somehow).
Tessa stared at the Goose, jaw slack.
"You made it even stupider," she breathed. "...I love it."
"G.A.I.L., paint me a target," Kai said, slamming the ignition.
A holographic reticle locked onto the lead siege beast.
"Suggest: disabling the catapults first," G.A.I.L. said. "...Also suggest stylish quip upon firing."
Kai grinned. "Already on it."
He mashed the turret trigger.
BOOM-THWAK!
A mana-charged cannon blast lanced out — striking the catapult frame dead-on and shattering it into burning splinters.
The siege lizard roared in confusion, bucking and tossing its raider handler into a cabbage cart.
Kai leaned into the Goose's loudspeaker.
"Welcome to Forkroot! Please enjoy your stay!" he yelled cheerfully.
The fight turned fast and chaotic.
Tessa led a group of townsfolk to defend the wall, peppering the raiders with arrows.
Kai ran full interference — cutting across the field in the Goose, blasting stun bursts at raider groups, drone-snagging supplies, and pulling attention.
At one point, a raider with a flaming bird costume (yes, actually on fire) leapt onto the Goose's hood, screaming battle cries.
Kai calmly activated Windshield Turret Mode, sending a compressed air burst that launched the guy fifty feet into a haystack.
"Target neutralized," G.A.I.L. said helpfully.
"New high score," Kai said, smirking.
Aftermath:
By sunset, the field was littered with broken catapults, defeated raiders tied up in magical nets, and two grumpy siege lizards eating stolen tomatoes out of a broken wagon.
The villagers cheered.
Someone handed Kai a celebratory muffin (which he accepted cautiously, having learned his lesson about random village foods).
Tessa clapped him on the shoulder hard enough to almost knock him over.
"I hate to say it," she said, "but you might just be Forkroot's best disaster yet."
"Better than your exploding goats?" Kai asked.
"Barely," she grinned.
The mayor stumbled forward again, hands wringing.
"Honored hero!" he cried. "We must reward you with an official town title!"
Kai blinked. "...Town title?"
"You shall henceforth be known as—" the mayor unrolled a scroll dramatically, "The Grand Defender of Forkroot, Master of the Goose, Slayer of Flaming Birds, Keeper of Slightly Charred Cabbages!"
Kai considered it.
"...Can I put that on a business card?"
"Only if you stay," the mayor said.
Kai glanced at Tessa, then at the Iron Goose purring quietly behind him.
He grinned.
"Deal."