> "You leave for one multiverse crisis and suddenly you owe 37 versions of Sailor Moon alimony.
I don't even remember marrying them! …Actually, yeah, I do."
— Deadpool, while being chased by sparkles and vengeance
---
[Location: Earth-19969½ – Post-Operation Dumbass Timeline]
Deadpool kicked open the door to his apartment.
Immediately tripped on a pile of court summons, sentient glitter, and three angry chimichanga wrappers that hissed at him.
Deadpool (stretching):
> "Ahh, home sweet disaster. I missed this taco-scented hellhole."
---
[Morning – The Great Chimichanga Cartel War]
Apparently while he was gone, his underground chimichanga smuggling ring had gone legit.
And by "legit," we mean violently profitable and publicly illegal.
The cartel now had:
A mascot (a talking burrito with abs),
Three gang factions (Soft Shells, Crunch Lords, and the Dipping Sauce Mafia),
And a very aggressive marketing team made up of former magical girls turned lawyers.
Lead Magical Girl (glowing with legal doom):
> "You violated thirty-two food codes and eight reality clauses."
Deadpool (backing away):
> "Okay, but counterpoint: the guac was free."
---
[Afternoon – Multiversal Court]
He was dragged into a courtroom existing between timelines. The judge was a floating gavel with a mustache.
Judge:
> "Wade W. Wilson, aka Deadpool, aka Mr. Chimichanga, aka 'That Guy Who Slept With a Phoenix Egg'—you are being sued by the Multiversal Culinary Council, twelve sentient appetizers, and one enraged magical girl harem."
Deadpool:
> "Your honor, I plead hot sauce."
Gavel (banging):
> "Sustained."
---
[Emergency Chat Ping]
Deadpool (typing in panic):
> "GUYS. I NEED A MULTIVERSAL LAWYER.
The salad I ghosted in Universe 88B just filed for emotional damages."
Kazuma:
> "What did you DO to a salad?"
Esdeath:
> "If you die by food law, I'll laugh forever."
Batman:
> "I'll send you a contract disintegrator."
MC:
> "No backup. Solve your mess, Mr. Franchise."
---
[Evening – The Redemption Plan]
Deadpool took a deep breath. And for once, used… strategy.
He cooked a peace chimichanga using:
Fresh ingredients from across the multiverse,
1 tear of genuine remorse (stolen from Kazuma),
And a single rose petal… because drama.
He presented it to the Magical Girl Mafia.
They sniffed.
They wept.
They forgave him.
Then burned his credit rating anyway.
---
[Final Scene – Rooftop of Regret]
Deadpool sat on his roof, watching fireworks shot by taco drones.
> "I almost got vaporized by a singing meatball today…
But I think I learned something."
A pause.
Then he whispered:
> "Nothing. I learned absolutely nothing.
And I wouldn't trade it for the world."
System Notification:
> Trait Gained:
"Crisis Gourmet (Lv.1)" – Can cook universal peace meals with unpredictable emotional outcomes.
---
End of Chapter 33: Deadpool