Date: 12-21-1978
Location: Mercy Hospital, Mobile, AL
Myron Burns may not look it, but he was a very lucky man. Just barely escaped from burning his house down after falling asleep while smoking in bed three weeks prior. Covered in deep burns, Myron had to be wrapped up from head to toe in bandages. Instead of taking this as a sign that it's about time he kicked the habit, he bribes a nurse to take him out back so he can have a smoke.
Nicotine is highly addictive because it rapidly stimulates the brain's reward system, causing cravings and withdrawal symptoms, and it's also a toxic substance that can cause harm to the body, including cardiovascular problems and an increased risk of cancer. The toxicity of nicotine is similar to or even higher than that of cyanide.
Now out of the hospital, Myron is told he has half an hour to do what he needs to do. After the nurse leaves, Myron produces a hidden cigarette. His addiction to nicotine has made him a very desperate man. As he flicks his cigarette, the ash from the cherry drops down onto his arm and carries just enough of a spark to ignite his bandages, which just so happen to be soaked in a highly flammable ointment. Panicked and helpless, he ends up rolling down the handicap ramp in front of him and is engulfed in flames when his oxygen tank explodes and is killed from 4th degree burns. Myron goes out in a blaze of gory. A fourth-degree burn is a severe burn that extends beyond the skin, damaging underlying tissues, muscles, tendons, and potentially even bone, often appearing charred or white and can be painless due to nerve damage.
Hey buddy, got a light?
Way To Die #316: Butt Fucked
Date: 06-15-1995
Location: Alexi's Apartment, Fargo, ND
Alexi had the kind of looks any guy or gal would kill for. But she traded it all in for something most take for granted, a good nights sleep. The only problem for Alexi, she suffers from SUNDS, which stands for Sudden Unexpected Nocturnal Death Syndrome. SUNDS is a medical condition that causes unexpected death in children and young people, usually during sleep or rest. It's a subset of sudden cardiac death (SCD) and is defined as an unexplained death after a thorough autopsy and toxicology analysis. The exact cause of the cardiac arrest, and therefore the death, is unknown.
Alexi always had the same nightmare every night. A red dwarf would sit on her chest and wrap his tiny little hands around her neck. Unable to fight back against her own mind, the stress from her nightmare causes her cardiac to be arrested.
They say if you die in a dream, you die for real. We can only ask Alexi if it was true, but she never woke up from her...Frightmare. Maybe we should ask the dwarf.
Way To Die #818: Frightmare
Date: 11-12-1986
Location: Folsom State Prison, Folsom, CA
Say hello to former death row inmate named James "Little E" Johnson. The man was a convicted killer and a nuance to anyone he ever came across. After a plea deal, Little E's sentance is changed from death to life without parol. His lawyer tells him this and the obnoxious little shit acts high and mighty. His lawyer walks out, disgusted and Little E decides its time to celebrate. Sitting on his state issued metal crapper, Little E watches some good old Oprah Winfrey. His TV begins to signal out and he realizes this. He tries to fix it by correcting the wire. When he touches the wire, he is electrocuted. Grabbing an exposed wire while sitting on the metal toilet with his feet grounded created a path for electric current to flow through his body, from his hand to the ground. This caused severe muscle contractions, burns, and disrupted his heart's rhythm, leading to cardiac arrest. The metal toilet and grounded feet increased conductivity. When Little E. grabbed the frayed wire to fix the TV, he accidently turned his throne... into an electric chair.
The bottom line? Karma is a bitch. And when she comes back at you, there's no escape.
Way To Die #91: Oprah Winfried
Date: 04-15-2001
Location: The Wilderness, St. Cloud, MN
A man named Randy was under the influence of magic mushrooms which made him have hallucinations. Randy tried to talk to the bushes, but he didn't get anything from them, on top of that, he barked like a dog and walked on all fours in the dirt.
Psilocybin found in the mushrooms he ate, temporarily disrupts a brain network involved in creating a person's sense of self. Some people who take psilocybin have extreme fear, anxiety, panic, or paranoia as they experience its hallucinogenic effects, which is known as a "bad trip." Other effects like perceptual changes, such as visual and auditory hallucinations, stomach discomfort and nausea contribute to a bad trip.
Then, Randy comes upon a group of people dressed in animal costumes who were engaged in sexual intercourse with each other (something called a furry).
Furries are individuals who have an interest in anthropomorphic animals, often creating a fursona (a non-human character they identify with) and engaging in related art, writing, role-playing, and cosplay within the furry fandom.
Randy tries to have sex with the participants, but each time, he is rebuffed (someone in a chicken costume even shooed him away with his beak). Then, Randy saw a lovely portly momma who was dressed up as a bear. He approaches the voluptuous woman only to get a painful surprise...
It was a real live bear. And it wasn't into casual sex with a human. When Randy tried to have sex with it, the bear panicked and proceeded to maul him to death.
Bears typically kill prey by biting the neck or back, often delivering a strike with their forepaws that breaks the spine, and may also bite the face, leaving deep canine marks. When attacking humans, bears will rear up on their hind legs and knock victims over with their paws. They then make one or two bites on an arm or leg and finish with a snap to the head, this being the most dangerous part of the attack.
Let's recap the lesson that we learned from Randy's gruesome death: This is your brain 🧠, this is your brain on drugs 🍳, and this is a bear ripping out your throat after you tried to have sex with it while you were high on drugs. The lesson, when nature calls, just say no.
Way To Die #412: Em-bear-assed
Date: 12-18-2006
Location: Greg's Bar, Gary, IN
Sonny Hughes is a hardcore roadster who frequently hangs out at a local bar and plays pool to impress other customers. One of his fellow bikers convinces Sonny to perform a magical but rather dangerous trick. Sonny would swallow a pool ball, and then attempt to regurgitate the ball out of his mouth. The crowd cheers on, fueling the man's ego.
An excessive need for validation can be harmful, leading to low self-esteem, people-pleasing as it can create a dependence on external approval. This could push people to engage in dumb situations in order to feel like they belong. In typical Darwin fashion.
After successfully performing the trick with the 8-ball, Sonny decided to go for Round 2, and this time, he selected the cue ball. Unfortunately, after he swallowed the cue ball, it got stuck in his trachea, and he was unable to force it out. Sonny didn't realize that in a bar, the cue ball is a little bigger than all other pool balls, and when he fed the larger cue ball down his chute, it stayed down. Panicking customers around the bar rushed to dial for paramedics, but it was too late, and Sonny died after being deprived of oxygen when the cue ball got stuck down his throat.
Way To Die #625: Midnight Choker
Date: 08-26-1998
Location: Su Su's House, Atlanta, GA
Late at night, Arnold Moss decides to spy on an attractive young woman named Su Su; peeping through her kitchen window as she begins to do erotic dances in front of the refrigerator.
In reality; Arnold couldn't talk to any woman to save his life. Men may become stalkers due to a complex interplay of factors, including a desire to maintain control, reassert power, or seek intimacy, often stemming from mental health issues or personality disorders, or a history of relationship problems.
Arnold became so aroused by Su Su that he snuck by the front porch and peeped through an open window supported by a stick, keeping it in place. Arnold then leaned in too far, making Su Su notices him, as she screams. Then, before Arnold could make a break for it, his elbow accidentally knocked the stick out of place. This caused the window to fall and smash the back of his spinal cord, snapping off disks C2 and C3 severing normal brain functions like breathing and blood pressure; when the connection was severed...death came instant. Breaking the C2 and C3 vertebrae, particularly the C2, can lead to a hangman's fracture, resulting in paralysis, difficulty breathing, and loss of sensation from the neck down.
Arnold finally learned his lesson: It's not cool to peep on people. You're breaking the law, and like Arnold here, your neck.
Way To Die #269: Boner Killer
Date: 04-12-1996
Location: Great Outdoors, Lassen County, CA
A Wanna-be Cowboy named Wade wants to be big by becoming an actor. Being featured in a commercial for cigarettes and only riding in the background made him feel like the next John Wayne.
The Hollywood mentality often involves a psychological dependence on fame, leading to an unwillingness to give up fame, as well as the pressure to maintain a perfect image and constant relevance.
His agent tells Wade that he did not get the role as a main character in an up and coming Tarantino movie. Wade, angered, wants to convince his agent and all of Hollywood that he can take care of every stunt without problems. After riding his horse out to a field, he practices. Not even five seconds in, his horse trips over a rock, causing Wade to fall back on the ground head first, transecting his entire neck and causing his brain to bleed from skull fractures.
This proves that with ambition comes perseverance. But with perseverance comes egotism. And with egotism comes falling off your freaking horse only to land right on a rock and break your neck. Happy trails...cowboy.
Way To Die #133: Back-Broke Cowboy