«Hello, Apple Codling Moth!
Unbelievable madness! These Dementors started inspecting the train! And we were lucky enough to take a compartment where the professor who's going to teach Defense was fast asleep… Though we drove the Dementor away ourselves: I didn't even use everything Aunt Bella showed me, Luna was throwing around some weird stuff, and Pavlinysh and his friend are already battle-ready wizards. Only this professor (surprise, it's an old buddy of my godfather, you figure out which one) got rid of the Dementor quickly and simply (I don't even know that spell, gotta learn it) and went off to save the others. Well, we grouped up, did a headcount, stuffed ourselves with tangerines, and arrived at Hogwarts in decent shape.»
*
«Hello, Lemon Eater!
I sent you another bottle of shampoo, it's for Luna.
Sounds like you're having a blast! Have you talked to your professor yet?
P.S. Maybe someone was messing around? But if not… keep your eyes open. Who knows, maybe the Dark Lord got his hands on one of his backups (your aunt did say there were several of them) and is trying to make a comeback! What a persistent guy!»
*
«Hello, Apple Codling Moth!
Still no luck, no matter what! I might as well ask the Slytherins to pass a note, but you understand, that's out of the question.
As soon as Potions classes start, I'll make sure to get to you-know-who. Defense is hilarious. I nearly burst out laughing while pretending to cry.
P.S. Luna says thanks. And there's a note from Hannah, I swear I didn't peek!»
*
"Next," said the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor. "Harry?"
He gave the student a strange look as Harry, without hesitation, opened the wardrobe. Nothing appeared.
"Looks pretty empty in there," he said. "Sir? I don't see anything, and there's no way my boggart is just emptiness!"
"Hmm..."
"I think it's because as a kid, I was terribly afraid of a monster in the closet," Harry said enthusiastically. "And I decided to do something about it. I swiped a flashlight from my uncle's car, and in the middle of the night, I just opened the door! And there was no one inside, just my clothes, some unwashed socks… Since then, I haven't been scared of any monsters," he concluded, "though I did get in trouble for taking the flashlight, even though I put it back."
"Oh, Harry is just being Harry as always," Hannah snorted and raised an eyebrow, which meant "Owlery tonight."
"You bet!" he smirked and winked.
"I'm afraid of Dementors!" someone said.
"What's there to be afraid of?" Harry turned to them. "My aunt and godfather spent eleven years side by side with them… and survived! You guys see one once and lose it completely… Come on, that's not even funny! I saw that thing face to face, yeah, it's nasty, but it's not like you haven't seen worse in Care of Magical Creatures or Potions!"
"But you're the Chosen One!" someone squeaked from behind.
"Oh yeah? So is Lovegood? Malfoy? Nott?" Harry snorted. "We were all there, ask them! No need to be scared of some disgusting creature…"
"I wanted to teach you how to cast a Patronus," Lupin interjected.
"Then go ahead, professor," Harry grinned.
*
"Potter," Snape said, "I trust you understand why you should not be alone with Professor Lupin, even if he insists?"
"He's a pervert who likes little boys?" Harry asked brightly.
"Potter, don't be ridiculous, I know perfectly well that you understand me!"
"Then why ask if you already know?"
"Just in case," the professor sighed. "You're unpredictable, so I'm asking you—please, do not attempt to spy on Lupin… well… you know when."
"I have no interest in spying on scruffy grown men, that's one," Harry replied. "Two—I'm not into bestiality either. So don't worry, professor, I'll try to stay away from him. Especially at that time. Except…"
"What?"
"It's really hard to refuse a professor when he insists on a conversation," Harry sighed. "You, of all people, should know that, sir!"
"Hmm… In that case, Potter," Snape smirked predatorily, "make sure he doesn't want to talk to you anymore! I think you're quite capable of that."
"Oh, you can count on me, sir," Harry grinned back in the same way. "Of course, it's a bit of a shame, since he was my dad's friend, but on the other hand, this is the first time I've seen him in my life… He could've at least asked where I was and how I was living! Oh, and sir, give me a book about werewolves! Need to study the theory. The scarier, the better!"
"Poor Lupin!" Snape thought with fake sympathy as he picked the most unpleasant books from his library.
"Just don't act too bluntly, Potter," he said, dumping the ominous-looking books on the table.
"When have I ever been blunt, sir?" Harry asked while peeling a tangerine. "No, first I'll make a plan. Oh, by the way, tell me something—your dislike for Professor Lupin isn't just because he was friends with my father, right? You said he mostly kept to himself, didn't pick on you much…"
"So?"
"So there's another reason. Him almost biting you, sure, but that's not enough—you went to that shack yourself and got caught!"
"You're relentless," Snape said darkly. "Fine, here's a third reason: I actually wanted the Defense job, but no! Our dear headmaster hires this flea-bitten… You didn't hear that, Potter!"
"No, no, I didn't hear a thing," Harry assured. "So, he hires Professor Lupin…"
"Exactly. And on top of that, I have to brew his potion, because otherwise, he'd be dangerous during full moons. Got all your answers?"
"More or less," Harry nodded.
"Then, while you're plotting, go chop what I tell you! Enough slacking off already…"
"No problem, sir," Harry replied, stuffing a whole tangerine into his mouth. "Just tell me what we're making, otherwise it's boring. Though I think I can guess…"
"You're disgusting, Potter," the professor remarked as usual.
"I know," Harry replied contentedly, wiping his hands on his robe.
*
«Hello, Apple Codling Moth!
No, imagine this—putting his old "friend" in the position that you-know-who has been vying for years to get! Who even comes up with this stuff? And you remember our new professor's issues—it's you-know-who who's constantly brewing potions for him! (I was the one cutting the ingredients, so I'm in the loop.) Has the old man gone completely cuckoo?»
Please tell my godfather and aunt that I'm not being allowed into Hogsmeade. I could sneak out—I know the passages—but I won't. Just to spite them! If anything important comes up, I'll pass it through Luna—she's my lifesaver!
*
«Hello, Lemon Eater!
What a mess with your staffing situation! Even Goldilocks wasn't this dangerous, am I right? I mean, he was just... nothing at all, and whatever he did, it was out of sheer stupidity...
I passed everything on—my godfather might drop by as a dog, he still remembers the passages, and my aunt, he said, is furious (the house took some damage). Oh, and both of them send greetings and hints that you'll have a Christmas Ball. Also, you lazy bum, my dad managed to wheedle a mirror from our toothy friends—catch!
I gather they won't let you go home for the holidays. I miss you.»
*
«Hello, Apple Codling Moth!
What would I do without you! We'll test the mirror tonight!
By the way, here's a note from Hannah—I didn't poke my nose in it.»
*
"Harry, I'd like to talk to you," Lupin said quietly, holding him back after class.
Harry had been expecting this, so he casually perched on a desk.
"Yes, sir?"
"Tell me, do you feel the presence of You-Know-Who?"
"Nope," Harry replied and pulled out a lemon, the mere sight of which made his jaw ache. "Who are we talking about, anyway?"
"Well... about Tom-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named..." Lupin whispered.
"If he must not be named, how am I supposed to know who you're talking about?" Harry asked cheekily, biting into the lemon rind.
"Don't pretend, please, you know exactly who I mean," Lupin winced.
"Sharp nose. Doesn't like lemons," Harry mentally noted. "Or maybe he just finds the strong smell irritating."
"Alright, let's suppose I do. And?" he asked.
"I thought you should be more concerned about your fate, considering that You-Know-Who is quite possibly—"
"I know he's not dead," Harry said indifferently. "But why should I care? I'm underage."
"I'm afraid, Harry," Lupin gave a sad smile, "that he won't make a distinction between children and adults."
"What a bastard," Harry snorted. "I mean, a not-very-nice person, sorry, sir."
"Harry, to be able to stand against him, you must study harder," the professor pressed on.
"Right," Harry replied skeptically. "A whole crowd of adult wizards couldn't stand against him, but one little Chosen One will? Very funny. And anyway, maybe I'm disposable! The next Avada might actually finish me off... No, thanks, you guys deal with your... well, you know who."
"But you still need to study better. I've seen that your high marks are only in Potions and my subject, but..."
"They're just easy," Harry lied. "Yours especially. The rest require actual effort."
"Aren't you confusing something?" Lupin asked cautiously. "Potions is an easy subject?"
"Well, you see," Harry shrugged. "I enjoy it. I'm good at making soups—my aunt taught me—so this is a piece of cake. Well, except soup usually smells better," he added fairly.
"And... you don't have any issues with the professor?"
"Why would I?" Harry asked, genuinely surprised. "He was annoyed at first because I asked too many clarifying questions, but then he got used to it. And the others like it—when he gets carried away, he doesn't have time to question many people. So. But why are you asking?"
"Oh... just wondering," Lupin said vaguely.
"Well then, maybe I'll go, sir?" Harry hopped off the desk. "Lunch is soon."
"Of course, go ahead, Harry," Lupin nodded, scratching his head thoughtfully.
"Fleas bothering you?" Harry asked sympathetically.
"What?.."
"You must have misheard, sir," he said with a sweet smile and disappeared.
*
At lunch, Harry demonstratively read a colorful tome titled "Werewolves: Myths and Legends", which he had quite openly taken from the school library, while occasionally glancing at the staff table.
Snape sat with a stone face, though he had, of course, noticed the book. Lupin either hadn't seen it or pretended not to.
"What's up with you?" Hannah asked, sticking her nose into the book. "We haven't even gotten to werewolves yet."
"Nothing," Harry replied weightily. "I prefer to prepare in advance."
"You've really taken a liking to Defense!" she chuckled.
"Not exactly, but I do think it's somewhat useful," Harry said just as seriously.
"What's gotten into you?" Hannah frowned.
"It'd be good if it were just a bug..." he replied cryptically and turned the page.
*
"You were right, sir," Harry reported cheerfully, bursting into his "extra lessons." "Lupin has started building bridges with me."
"Professor Lupin," Snape corrected automatically. "What did he want?"
"For now, just asking questions—how things are, if I have any problems, urging me to study harder, the usual stuff," Harry replied, climbing into his favorite armchair and calling over a snake. "Come here, my beauty..."
"Massster... Your professssor sssmells like dog..." Shen hissed.
"Let's hope he doesn't have fleas," Harry said seriously.
"Potter, I thought you said you wouldn't be too direct," Snape remarked, perfectly understanding that the snake wasn't talking about him. "Don't you think that what you did at lunch was the complete opposite—a grand provocation?"
"Not at all, sir," Harry replied. "Most people didn't notice a thing and won't unless someone points it out to them. You know, the headmaster knows, and if Lupin noticed something himself, well..."
"And what do you plan to do next?"
"Not sure yet," Harry admitted. "My plan only had one step."
"Potter, you—" Snape hesitated.
"I know, sir," Harry said with dignity and buried himself in his book.
*
«Hi, Codling Moth!
Listen, I can't take it anymore—why does everyone feel the need to do me a favor? Now this new Defense professor (by the way, we've got a bit of confusion—his nickname is Moony, but you and I already call someone else that, so let's agree that this one will be Mister Moony, okay?) is getting on my nerves. He looks at me with those puppy-dog eyes and sighs. Damn, if he's so noble, where was he before? I'm running out of patience... If he corners me with another heart-to-heart, I won't be responsible for my actions!
P.S. Another note from Hannah. Seriously... Some people hook up through an oak tree hollow, and you lot do it through me… A full-on orgy!»
*
«Hi, Lemon Eater!
If you keep making those lewd insinuations, I'll rip your head off, even if you are bigger than me!»
Got it about the Moonies. But hey, be careful, just in case. What if he only looks harmless but has a temper? By the way, I'm sending you something—you might find it useful!
*
«Codling Moth, you're a genius!»
*
"Harry, stay for a moment," Lupin requested a little later.
"Alright, sir," he replied obediently, staring at the professor with clear eyes.
"Is there anything you'd like to tell me?"
"No, sir," Harry said, surprised.
"Any questions, then?"
"No, sir, I understood everything in class," he said, even more puzzled.
"That's not what I meant, Harry," Lupin sat on the edge of the desk. "You've probably heard that I knew your father and mother, and I thought maybe you'd want to..."
"Sorry, sir, but I've had enough," Harry said honestly. "Everyone keeps trying to tell me about my parents. Honestly, I already know plenty about them. And I'm not sentimental… Well, okay, maybe just a tiny bit," he admitted after some thought. "Of course, I feel sorry for them, but I don't remember them, and to be honest, I don't see the point in digging up the past. May they rest in peace, and all that..."
"Harry, but they died protecting you from You-Know-Who!" Lupin sounded like he couldn't believe his ears.
"I'm aware. But to me, whether you push someone out of the way of a truck or jump in front of an Avada Kedavra—there's no difference," he shrugged. "I'm incredibly grateful to them for the fact that I'm alive, I'd like to visit their grave, but I won't be beating my chest in mourning. Though I could shed a single manly tear," he added magnanimously.
It was crystal clear where Lupin was going with this. If the parents died saving their son from a villain, the son must seek revenge. "One way or another, huh, Headmaster? Well, too bad for you!" Harry thought darkly.
The funny thing was, he wasn't even lying. Of course, he wished his parents were alive and with him, but if he didn't even remember them, why keep reopening that wound? Besides, he had uncles, aunts, friends… The people in the photographs he had seen were just young adults—Harry couldn't picture them as his parents. His godfather was different—he was alive, flesh and blood, with all his quirks and issues, hot-tempered but kind in his own way. He was someone you could actually live with. But the others had been gone for so long—how could he even imagine what they'd be like now? In the end, it was a complicated philosophical problem, and Harry usually sent those straight into the Forbidden Forest.
"I never thought you'd grow up to be such a heartless boy, Harry," Lupin finally said.
"I'm not heartless, sir, I'm pragmatic," Harry replied, looking at the professor's face before adding, "I know plenty of big words. And I understand what they mean."
"No doubt..." Lupin shook his head and gave Harry another sorrowful look. "You have your father's face, your mother's eyes, but whose personality… I can't tell."
"I'd guess someone from the older generations," Harry said offhandedly. "Probably the Black side of the family. Auntie Bella says I remind her of someone—her grandfather or great-grandfather, I forget the name. How embarrassing!"
"Auntie... Bella? But her name is Petunia!"
"No, Petunia Dursley is Aunt Tuney, the one who raised me. Auntie Bella is Mrs. Lestrange," Harry explained patiently. "What, the Headmaster didn't tell you?"
"He told me about Sirius, but... not her..." Lupin looked like he was about to have a heart attack. "But how...?"
"Long story. By the way, if you knew about Sirius, why didn't you visit?" Harry asked slyly.
"Well... I was… preparing for the school year," Lupin fumbled.
"For that long?! The newspapers were already announcing his release ages ago!"
"I don't read newspapers, Harry," Lupin forced a smile. "Too busy."
"I get it," Harry said. "It happens. But you should still drop by—I usually spend a couple of weeks at my godfather's place in the summer. Just let us know in advance, he's locked down all the house's access points. Only me and Auntie Bella can get in."
"Ah, right, I...," Lupin trailed off, and Harry realized he knew about the whole Order Headquarters mess. "Any idea what got into him?"
"Yeah, actually. He's got some condition with a complicated name. Got used to solitude, can't stand crowds. He tolerates me and his cousin, but otherwise... Imagine, you just want some peace and quiet, and then a Weasley horde bursts in! I'd go feral too!"
"Why do you dislike the Weasleys so much?" Lupin frowned.
"What's there to like?" Harry spread his hands. "Loud, careless, always butting in. The twins are alright, though their pranks… I don't know the older brothers well enough to say anything about them. But the youngest one? I've already punched his face in a few times..."
"You spend time with Slytherins," Lupin tested the waters.
"Yeah, most of them are smart. It's nice to have a decent conversation," Harry nodded and smiled sweetly, then pulled another lemon out of his bag. "You don't mind, sir? Thanks."
"And your friend is from Ravenclaw..."
"She's smart too," Harry said through a mouthful. "I have a thing for intelligent people… My weakness. There are some good ones in my own house too."
"But…"
"No Gryffindors," Harry cut him off. "No Granger. Her lectures make me want to howl at the moon and attack innocent people."
"Did he just flinch, or was I imagining things?"
"Well, as you wish," Lupin sighed. "But that's a shame."
Harry shrugged.
"Harry, your grades have gotten even worse," Lupin continued.
"Sir, you're neither my Head of House nor the Headmaster, so excuse my bluntness," Harry said in an outright rude tone. He was tired of pretending. "Why do you care about my grades?"
"Well... I thought I could help, as your father's friend," Lupin faltered.
"Uh-huh, as my father's friend, you saw me on the train for the first time in—what, how many years?"
"Are you mad at me?" Lupin asked, concerned.
"Nope," Harry replied honestly. "I don't care. About my grades, about other people's opinions, about a lot of things."
"Still," Lupin's persistence was remarkable, "why are you skipping Divination?"
"Because it's nonsense," Harry said. "That four-eyed fraud may have had one real prophecy in her life, but now she's useless, and she's a terrible teacher."
"Of course, Professor Snape is much better," Lupin muttered.
"He's my idol," Harry grinned. "Sometimes I dream of polishing his cauldrons in ecstasy, slicing ingredients with pure joy… Wait, why dream? I do that all the time! Maybe that's why I dream about it?"
The professor coughed.
"You're joking, right?" he asked hopefully.
"No, I rarely joke," Harry replied. "As for divination... I already know how. Want me to predict your near future using a tangerine peel?"
"Go ahead..." Lupin said cautiously.
Potter pulled a tangerine from his pocket, quickly peeled it, looked at the orange skin, and declared:
"In a week, you'll fall ill, and for two or three days, there will be no classes with you, or Professor Snape will replace you."
Lupin's face changed.
"What are you..."
"Oh, come on, sir," Harry grimaced and pulled out a calendar sent by Terry. "Like it's so hard to figure out that you always get sick exactly on full moons. Look, I have everything underlined here. Very convenient—I always know when I can skip the Defense homework because Professor Snape doesn't care about it, he has a different program."
"If it weren't for your appearance, I'd say you're his son, not James's," Lupin muttered through clenched teeth, yellow fire flashing in his eyes. "Snape also, in his time... figured it out."
"Yeah, I know how you almost ate him," Potter smiled sweetly, considering escape routes. "Sir, I've read a lot, but there seems to be too much nonsense... Is it true that a werewolf can only be killed with a silver bullet?"
Lupin made an indistinct sound.
"And what happens if you drink Polyjuice Potion with a werewolf's hair? Whether he's in human form or beast form?"
"You better ask Professor Snape about that..." Lupin squeezed out.
"I certainly will," Harry nodded, making notes in his notebook. "By the way, did I mess up your potion too badly last time?"
"What?!"
"Well, the professor was too busy, so he told me to brew it. It turned out a little differently than his, he was furious, but there was no time to redo it. Was it okay?"
"It was... fine," Lupin swallowed. "Are you saying..."
"I've already said everything I wanted," Harry snapped his notebook shut. "Sir, let's make a deal, shall we? You stop bothering me, and I stay silent about you. If someone figures it out on their own, that's not my problem—I always keep my mouth shut."
"Are you going to demand an Unbreakable Vow?"
"Your word would be enough," Potter replied. "But our headmaster has a nasty habit of rummaging through people's minds. So, professor, sorry—but I insist on the Vow. I can take one too if you're worried about something."
"No need," Lupin said and uttered the words Harry prompted him with—ones he had spent an hour crafting and then double-checking with Terry, or rather, his father.
"I think we all misjudged you, Harry..."
"Professor Snape didn't," Harry grinned. "He says I'm horrible!"
"And for once, I agree with him!"
*
"Potter, I will kill you!.."
Another vial shattered against the wall.
"Don't! You might still need me!" Harry called from under the table, where he had taken cover.
"What have you done, you little menace?!"
"Nothing, I just had a heart-to-heart with Professor Lupin..."
"After which he resigned!"
"He couldn't handle the disappointment, sir. I let him down, and he has such a fragile soul..."
"Potter, you beast, do you realize you've left the school without a Defense teacher?! In the middle of the school year?!"
"Why is it suddenly my fault?! I didn't tell him to resign—I just asked him to stop bothering me with sentimental nonsense... and made him take an Unbreakable Vow."
"Why, you monster?!"
"So the headmaster wouldn't find out," Harry answered honestly. "We discussed some rather personal matters, and I don't like it when outsiders poke into such things."
"Thank you, Potter. Truly, thank you," Snape exhaled, collapsing into a chair. "Now get out from under there."
"My pleasure, sir, but for what exactly?" Harry crawled out and stretched.
"For the extra workload. Who do you think will have to cover the freed-up hours? Some, fine, McGonagall will take, some—the headmaster, but most of it will fall on me, as if I don't have enough to deal with already!"
"But you always wanted the Defense position, didn't you, sir?" Harry's gaze was pure and innocent. "See how well it all worked out? They say thoughts are material—maybe before, you just didn't want it badly enough, and..."
"Oh, Merlin..." Snape groaned, covering his face with his hands. "Potter trying to 'help' others is worse than a rhino charging into a watering hole—its eyesight is bad, but it doesn't care!"
"Brilliant! Let me write that down, sir," Harry beamed.
"Just get out of my sight. At least until tomorrow," the professor said hoarsely. "And since you've caused me so much trouble, you'll have to give up your reading habits. You'll be assisting me in the lab—otherwise, I'll never catch up..."
"With great pleasure, sir!" Harry brightened. "Goodbye!"
"Goodbye..." Snape grumbled.
Not how he had wanted to get this job. Not at all. Just a substitute teacher, that's all. Harry hadn't planned this on purpose, that much was obvious—even an idiot could see that. Lupin had just snapped, unsure of what to do, and couldn't ask the headmaster for advice—the Vow wouldn't allow it. (Knowing Harry, one could be sure—he had left no loopholes. He had top-notch consultants, after all.)
Well, fine...
"Alright," Snape told himself. "How does Potter put it? Solve problems as they come? We'll do just that."