Ren woke up to the sound of explosions.
Well, not exactly "woke up." He sort of halfway opened an eye, registered the sound, and made the executive decision to keep napping. Snoozeladon let out a sleepy burp of smoke, unbothered by the chaos outside.
Ren mumbled into his pillow. "Hope they're aiming for the noisy parts of the kingdom."
The system dinged in, cheery as ever.
---
[Passive Ability Activated: Rewarded for Inaction]
[Effect: The longer you ignore an ongoing invasion, the more likely the invaders rethink their life choices.]
[Bonus Effect: +300% morale for your troops due to 'Unshakable King's Composure.']
---
"Cool," Ren muttered, rolling onto his other side.
---
Meanwhile, on the Eastern Front...
Thousands of armored warriors, banners of the Crimson Blades Empire waving high, stormed across the fields toward Ren's capital.
General Vexar, a mountain of a man in jagged crimson armor, rode at the front. His voice bellowed over the battlefield.
"Onward, men! The so-called 'Slumbering King' is a coward! His army will crumble the moment we reach his gates!"
The soldiers cheered, roaring as they charged.
And then... the system kicked in.
A second later, their horses stopped. Just froze mid-gallop. The soldiers blinked, confused.
Then the horses sat down. Like dogs.
The soldiers stared in horror as their mounts yawned and curled up for a nap. Some of the riders, thrown from their saddles, barely had time to stand before their weapons melted into… marshmallows.
Swords, spears, axes all soft, fluffy marshmallows.
Even General Vexar's massive warhammer drooped, becoming a large, suspiciously vanilla-scented squishy treat. He blinked at it in stunned silence.
---
[New Passive Ability Acquired: Weaponized Laziness]
[Effect: All hostile weapons within 10 miles have a 70% chance of turning into desserts if you remain uninvolved.]
[Bonus Effect: Marshmallows restore 50 HP.]
---
"...What." Vexar stared at his marshmallow hammer in disbelief.
A low rumble shook the ground. From the hills, a colossal shadow emerged.
It was a giant tortoise. Not an ordinary one this thing was the size of a cathedral, covered in moss and small trees growing on its back.
The soldiers stared up at it in terror as it trudged toward them. A deep, ancient voice echoed across the battlefield.
"Who disturbs the kingdom of the Slumbering King?" the tortoise rumbled, sounding like a thousand years of naps packed into one sentence.
The soldiers froze.
Vexar swallowed hard. "Uh… we were just… sightseeing?"
The tortoise squinted at them. "...No you're not."
Vexar panicked. "RETREAT!"
The entire Crimson Blades army turned and fled, leaving a trail of abandoned marshmallow weapons behind.
The giant tortoise watched them go, then slowly nodded. "Good." It turned and lumbered back into the hills for a well-earned nap.
---
Back in the Pillow Fortress…
Ren stirred, vaguely aware of the distant sound of thousands of soldiers screaming and running away.
He yawned. "Sounds like a them problem."
The system dinged, rewarding his laziness once again.
---
[Quest Complete: Survive an Invasion Without Getting Up]
[Reward: Crimson Blades Empire now recognizes you as their 'Supreme Overlord of Unstoppable Chill.']
[Bonus Reward: Legendary Item "Blanket of Absolute Dominion" (Grants +500 defense while tucked in.)]
---
Ren blinked blearily at the glowing blanket that materialized next to him. It looked… insanely cozy.
Aria kicked the door open, looking more done than usual.
"Ren!" she barked, face red with barely contained frustration. "Do you have any idea what just happened?!"
Ren raised his hand weakly. "Lemme guess. Someone tried to kill me, and I won anyway?"
Aria's eye twitched dangerously. "The Crimson Blades Empire invaded. They fled the moment a giant tortoise showed up and judged them for waking you up!"
Ren blinked slowly. "...Nice."
Aria looked like she wanted to throw herself out the window. Garth wandered in behind her, munching on a stolen marshmallow sword.
"They left these all over the field," Garth said through a mouthful of marshmallow. "They're pretty good."
Ren nodded approvingly. "See? Everybody wins."
Before Aria could respond, another messenger burst in, wheezing.
"Your Majesty! Urgent news! The Archmage Council just declared you an 'Eternal Sage of the Arcane' because they think your refusal to attend magic meetings is an advanced meditation technique!"
Ren blinked. "...Huh."
The system chimed again.
---
[New Title Unlocked: The Unmoving Archmage]
[Effect: All magic academies now believe you possess untold magical knowledge beyond comprehension.]
[Bonus Effect: Gain a personal wizard valet.]
---
A tall, elderly man in robes appeared in the doorway with a puff of smoke. He bowed deeply.
"I am Mortimer the Eternal. I have studied the arcane for 372 years. Please allow me to carry your socks."
Ren stared at him. "...Okay."
Aria's soul visibly left her body.
Ren smirked, leaned back into his fortress, and pulled his new Blanket of Absolute Dominion over himself.
"Empire's looking good, huh?"
---