11th sept.
I hate the sun. It pisses me off. I can take the cold but heat is something I can't tolerate. No it's not that hot out. I just don't like mornings. Dumbass mornings.
I didn't think mornings could get any worse than they already were. A time when people have to get up and go to hell; in my case school, though all I do is sleep there. I kinda miss my friends. Not really but I am missing my amusement.
I failed! My mids, again but I'm sadly not in the mood to discuss that right now.
Is it possible for a girl to get a morning wood? I swear if I had a penis it'd be rock hard by now. In fact one of the many reasons why I wanna lose weight so that I can finally have sex.
If only I was a guy. I'm so popular that almost all the girls at in my class confessed they'd date me if I was a guy. I don't mind dating girls; except that they're a little too sensitive. For me I'm only interested with the fuck nothing else.
Thus my conclusion one night stands. No fuss no emotions and no heart break.
And no there is no practical reason as to why I'm writing this. I'm horribly horny and I really want release but no I have to wait till everyone's asleep. This is why I wanna stay in bed longer. To take care of my wood.
How is it even remotely fair that I feel like my body's ganna over heat any moment and most girls back at home are grossed out just seeing a dick. I even read yuri when jerking off. Yuri's lesbian sex. I also read a lot of smut. I know I sound like a pervert' which I proudly am but seriously don't girls ever get horny; am I the only cursed person on earth.
There are even times when I feel like I'll jump just about anyone's bones but then I can never bring myself to do it. Reason; most guy's here-ok back at home are inexperienced virgins and I want my first time with someone who knows what he or she's doing. The girls here would never do it with another girl and then forget it so that's out of the question.
And all in all if my family found out about it; sorry can't really imagine their reaction.
When we're back at home, mother doesn't let me sleep alone, so I have to sleep in the same bed as her and my little brother. I try to avoid it but I end up jerking off every night.
She thinks it's because I'm over-weight so I developed a weird disease which makes me shake in my sleep. Yup! They are that ignorant of the world.
Plus it's such a big deal back at home. It mostly doesn't bother me. I personally think it is a bit too much when kids do it without understanding whole concept of sex and end up getting knocked up.
The condoms available in Durn are less than 50% safe, so imagine that. My requirements for sex:
He or she can't know me or my family
They need to be experienced
They don't get emotionally attached
They use extremely safe American condoms, emphasis on the extremely.
Other than that I don't care. I like kinky, dirty whatever. I know I should've been born a dude. I even have this theory that I maybe am somewhere. Well enough about my morning wood. I need to eat and I'm not appreciating people trying so hard to talk to me when I am ignoring them.
Just because I accepted a preposterous idea, doesn't necessarily mean I have to be nice about it. For all I care I it's a business deal. I'm not ignoring him. I simply don't talk too much, at least not using my mouth, during the mornings. Basically the only person who can converse with me in the mornings is Uncle C .
I'm not a morning person, never have been, never will be.
10 am.
Ever felt like you're too tired to even care with what happens to you. Just let the tides of life pull you deeper in to the ocean. That happens to me a lot. I sometimes wanna just give up. But then I remember I have to live, for Uncle C .
Ever since my dad died, no actually even before that; even when someone was badly injured; of Corse not just anyone, someone I know about or have heard about; I'd always argue with god to let me take their place. I never valued my life much, and also I'm not much of a martyr. I just thought it'd be ok if it was me. No one really cared about me that much; me passing away wouldn't affect their lives that much; you know because I'm just a nobody. My existence is not that significant to anyone that much. Sure they'll miss me but after a while; it'd all go back to normal. So I thought it was ok if I died in someone else's place. At least my death would mean someone who was important to so many people lived.
Then when I met Uncle C , he told me something. I always said to god and him that if I could, I'd die for him. I'd happily die, if my life force could bring him back. Even if he didn't know about it; even if he didn't know about my existence, I'd still be more than happy to transfer my life span to him.
Then he asked me something that changed many things in my life, shook it up in a way. He said "Many people die for people they love. Dying is easy; living is hard. Have you ever heard of a person living for someone they love? How much do you love me honey? Do you love me enough to live for me? Death is easy, life is much, so much more difficult; can you face this hard world for me? I want you to live and experience the beautiful world that god has given us. I want you to fall in love with live. So darling, can you love me enough to live for my sake. Live life to the fullest. It's a tough job but I know you love me enough to do it."
So I agreed. I'll live for Uncle C because dying for someone is easy but facing life for them is harder.
I was-hell am still suicidal, I have those thoughts crossing my head all the time. People would not believe if they heard how many times I wish I was hit by a truck or something of that sort. I even go to our rooftop at night alone with my hair down-ok so I have a bob but it still counts; hopping for any ghost or djjin to kill me. It never happens though.
But never in my life did I ever hurt myself. I don't have a single cut on my wrist. It amuses me when my friends do it carefully avoiding the major veins. I even asked one of my friends once that if they don't wanna actually die then why do it.
She gave me a blank look, shrugged and said "It's fun." nocturnally.
After the whole school caught on with the trend, I figured it's just a bloody trend. Before I met Uncle C I used to try to slice my palm; not wrist just the palm of my hand. I liked blood. I was obsessed with vampires and vampirism. Mostly because I knew what it felt like living for no reason yet not being able to die. The hollowness of being a living dead. I'm livelier now, well most of the time. But being a constant failure doesn't help my case. My mother regards me as a waste of space, a hopeless case.
I don't like failing time after time but I just don't see any reason to do anything anymore. Lightning could hit me and I'd still stay unfazed.
Speaking of lightning, I love storms. I love looking at the flashy ferocious sky as it roars. Mother fears it, she fears everything. So whenever it storms I secretly sit by the window in our guestroom looking out at the sky. I sometimes feel like running to the end of the sky. Just to keep running full speed on, letting everything go. To scream at the top of my lungs. Feeling each of my heart beat; to realize what it feels to be completely alive. I even thought of leaving home many times, hell since I got here it has taken everything in me not to get lost on purpose just to get away forever.
But I know the cruel world. This cold hard world. Without money I won't last a day. I know I need a ground to stand up for myself. So I stop. I need money. There have been many conversations between me and my mother, where she'd tell me to not fall in love and run away from home blindly. Every time I laugh at her and then seriously tell her "I know the world, I won't last a day without money, I get my money and everything under my name from here; I'm not a fool to give that all up over something as stupid and unreal as love."
I would always laugh inside my head at the thought. My mother actually thought I'd give up the only thing that'll stay with me forever; that'll make all my dreams come true; that'll make everyone finally shut the fuck up!
I'm not a fool. I want money in the right way. I do spent money from time to time but never in a dismissing manner. I know the importance of earning money. I even begged my tutor to get me some students to tutor when I was in 6th grade but every time it's the same answer "Finish your studies first."
It's going to take me at least 25 years of my life to finally get a damn degree; by that time half of my life would have already have passed. I need a lot more time. I need to do things. By my age Uncle C was already a millionaire and dad was already starting up on his business. What if I never get to fulfil my destiny in life?
I really should've been watchin TV rather than worrying about every damn thing in the universe. I can't help it though.
All the seriousness aside, I love my brothers! They are so awesome; even the nerdy geek; Vai's recent nickname given by of Corse me.
So let me further explain my new likeliness towards my brothers. It's simple really; they aren't blinded by Mr Pavilion's act. He pretends to be this virtues saint in front of the adults; it's sickening to watch.
He has them all tied between his cunning little fingers. I hate people who pretend to be someone they're not, just to please others. He maybe this rich successful businessman, who throws money at people like bait but anyone who looks at him properly will notice he's not in the slightest bit a golden boy; nice, sweet and innocent. He's a cold man who knows how to get what he wants and that's all that matters to him.
I can bet we would've been good friends if he wasn't everything I want to be without much of an effort. Yes! I'm jealous, of his success but anyone who wanted to be truly successful would be jealous.
Plus another reason why I don't like him is because I know he's doing all this just to rid himself of boredom. He's bored with normal everyday life so he wants something to play with. I don't like to get played.
But my reasons for agreeing aren't that different either. I'm bored too. I want to see how long he lasts. He's a strong opponent so it should be fun. How long can he bear with me; someone who has nothing to lose.
So back to my brothers being the best in the world. Zaira's so easy to fool. I love the girl but she's too typical and predictable. Mr Pavilion practically has her tied around his fingers.
Today his main purpose from what I can see is winning my brother and my cousins. Usually my brother, Savon would joke about me getting a boyfriend or in the future a husband but right now he's puffing up with anger. Tyjah naturally fallowing Savon doesn't like Mr Pavilion and as for Vai, I'm guessing he just doesn't like the superior aura Mr Pavilion exuberates.
Zaira on the other hand really likes him. She didn't tell me that herself; well she didn't have to, it's quite obvious. If I hadn't gotten to sleep before everyone else yesterday, I'm sure she would've spent all night telling me how lucky I am.
A brief description of the scene before me; I'm sitting on the living room couch facing the room, all the guys are sharing. My aunt and Uncle are in their room and mum and granma a getting ready.
They've asked me to play host to this parasite, who was already in our suit when we got back from breakfast. The gifts he bought today are mostly electronics and other game's and stuff like that.
I'm going to have to have a talk with him about unnecessary gifts. This is demeaning.
So I'm facing the guys' room in where, all of my brothers' are ignoring Mr Pavilion. He's trying to lure them by showing the presents to Zaira; who is quite oblivious to his tricky.
It's kinda fun to watch though. He did NOT just wink at ME!
That son of a........
4pm.
God why didn't I ever notice how freakin HOT spider-man was! Maybe cause Peter Parker was a bit too boyish and a goodie good guy; but lord! Nothing about this Prada poster about him is good. It's bad and sinfully bad. Someone fan me before I overheat. If I could blush I'd be ruby red. So sinfully hot. Oph!
Ok I'm done...not even close. I just wanna him out of the poster and start making out with him. Why are all my crushes' so much older than me?
I mean seriously! By the time I'm legal, they'll become history. Well at least I have Daniel. Boy! Now that was a hot wizard.
It's so funny that no one can ever tell what I'm actually thinking. My aunt thinks I'm being a party pooper, not saying or doing much, along with my expressionless face. If only she knew that was going on inside my head. It involves two very hot guys and it's strictly R-rated.
Ok I never got around to giving my own physical description. I'm short, roughly about 5 feet 1. I have black hair with natural light brown and red highlights; only in the light though. I recently cut it in a cut which Mandy aunty calls "The rehab cut". Because I cut my hair by myself, really short, she likes to call it that; hint where she got it from: Lindsey lohamn. Never mind my short hair. I have a fair skin tone, pinkish pale, which makes all the zits even more apparent on my face. Now that I think about it I should really get something for my face. I look completely Asian. So much that even the Malaysian's and previously the Thai people confused me as one of them. Now I don't mean to complain but I wanna be Durni, if that makes any sense.
I have tiny dark brown eyes with dark blue rings around the eyes. It can only be seen from a very close distance. I and my little brother got it from my dad. I wear glasses and unlike most ppl I feel naked without them. I like my glasses. Maybe because I have a habit of wearing it every day since I was 5.
I weigh 91kgs which is A LOT. I don't really have self-esteem issues but my doctor said I need to lose at least 30 kgs and I really want to do it. I'd like to be more flexible and also every time I look in the mirror I feel like this isn't the me now. I wanna feel like myself.
I look like this super cute childish person, with the kindest and purest soul, and even though that comes in handy from time to time, it's seriously annoying when people don't take me seriously.
I think thats about it for my appearance. My mother always keeps taunting me for my weight and face. When I turned 12 I even started giving a fuck but then I just realized how stupid she is.
I'm not saying this as an encouragement to myself or any bull like that but I know I'm beautiful. I hear it way too many times for me to ignore it. I have pretty eyes and lips. I considerably cute nose and skin with a glow; when it's cleaned. It's a fact; I'm fat, I know that; and it doesn't even bother me when someone calls me fat cause it's a fact but when my mother says it, she does it to demine me and it hurts, not gonna lie, but eventually I get over it. My point is if I don't like something about something, I have to try to change or do something about it. Complaining without even trying according to me is just unfair. What?! I'm a Libra, I NEED things to have balance.
So I get over mum's words because nobody's perfect and neither am I. Not that I even try to be perfect. Reject me for who I am then accept me for who I ain't. Plus who have I got to impress, everyone I care about enough is already dead.
Sheesh that went wayyy out of topic, I tend to do that a lot.
The coffee here at Starbucks is really good. I got a chicken pie. I'm here with mom, gran and Vai. I should really share my pie with gran but I'm not. I'm horrible; I know! Gran bought it and also she does so many things for me. Even last week, in Bangkok, we went to this shop where I think I chose at least one dress of every design and granma bought all of them for me. She adores me too much! I tell u. But still, I'm not sharing. FUCK IT! Why am I so fuckin selfish! Agh!
6 pm.
Home sweet home; or should I say bath sweet bath. Writing in the bath isn't all that hard. I just need a clipboard and the rest I can manage.
When we got back, there he was talking to my Uncle and laughing with my cousins.
My brother and my other two cousin' went to someplace with my aunt and Uncle. I tagged along with my mother and gran because they whispered something to Vai which instantly made him agree to be their baggage carrier. I was intrigued and followed suite.
Turns out they were ganna pay him 50 dollars for it. When finally he couldn't carry all the bags, he agreed to split the payment, if I carried half the load. I didn't mind much. Now he owes me 25 and a few baths from when I lent him those in Dunkin donuts, back in Bangkok.
He owes me so much money, hehe...he better pay me back. Well I'll make sure of it.
Now that incident aside, when we got back we saw everyone else happily chatting away with Mr Pavilion. Now I can understand why that guy is so successful. He can basically make anyone like him. He knows how to act, what to say and what exactly to do, at the exact moment. He knows how to deal with every kind of person.
This time he wasn't paying me much mind so I did the same. Everyone seemed happy and all, and honestly I am also in a good mood so I didn't wanna spoil it either. I quietly sat on the couch listening to everyone talk and a few minutes later came to take a shower.
I love the tub. The feeling of hot water on your body, the huge window beside the tub, giving me the perfect night life view of the city. It's way too high for me to see any actual activity but seeing the sky and the tall buildings all lighted up like this somehow fills the void in me. It covers up my impatience of the world, my hurry to already get started on things, all my confused emotions just leave my mind for a while. It's relaxing.
There's also music blasting from a pub. I can see the flashlights from here. It's beautiful how the colours are dancing in the naked black sky.
Its times like these I can truly forget everything, even time, and just let go. It's nice not to worry about the past or fear the future.
I want anime! Every time I think about anime, it makes my heart skip a beat. In anime the world is so much more beautiful. Anime is the color in my life. I know it seems pretty stupid but I can't change it. It in a way just makes me more humane, just a bit more happy; just a bit more alive...
What am I ganna do when I get back? I failed again. I failed my 7th grade finals but the school still, the school promoted me on their own accord. I...it should affect me more, with all of my mother's bitter words. Sometimes I really wish I was normal. My teacher's call me a genius. Mother constantly reminds me that she doesn't need one. It's the grades that matter.
What can I possibly do? It all goes over my head. Nothing interests me enough to even bother trying.
I like the world inside my head. It's much nicer, and even more interesting. I can finally do the things I love. I wanna just set my wings and fly. I don't wanna stop. I'd defiantly run away here, if I wasn't all that worried about collage and other things.
I wonder.....maybe I should ask Mr Pavilion to take off the ring stuck to my finger. It's getting on my nerve seeing it there. I even asked Zaira to take it off for me but she said she would never take off an engagement ring; something about it being a precious promise and all that.
Asked gran, she said "It's very expensive and I'll lose it if I take it off".
I tried taking it off with oil, lotion, hot water and lemon, nothing worked. I can't keep wearing it. It looks weird.
Look at the time! It's been 2 hours, better get out.
9pm
Life is really cruel. Before I could get to our own bathroom and blow dry my hair, mother started whisper yelling at me for no apparent reason. The reason: she bought a lot of clutches for all my aunts; all her sisters-in-laws from both sides. Then also bought a leather duffle bag for my brother.
They weren't carrying a single thing! I tried minimizing the extra baggage by putting all the clutches inside the bag for my brother. She screamed at me in the mall for doing it in public and right now she was screaming at me because she couldn't find some.
I'm not scared of ghosts or anything else but I am visibly petrified of my mother. Whenever she leaves her room I literally freeze in place. I try to avoid her all day long till I have to come to bed at night; she doesn't even let me sleep in my own room.
She always says things that can make even a model feel insecure of themselves; and her mouth, the words she spits out literally makes me wanna burn my skin off. How can a mother be like this to their own child? Isn't she the one whose suppose to pick me up when I fall? Am I really not worthy of my mother's love?
I was always the unwanted child. When I was little, she would always tell me that if I wasn't born she'd have two sons. My older brother, Facundo died only ten days after he was born. I was born a year after that. I know somewhere mother holds me responsible for that.
And to top it all off I'm not even near a normal perfect girl. I know I'll forget all this pain once I stop crying or fall asleep. I really sometimes wish dad was-no nevermind, I just need to listen to Uncle C and try to breathe.
In and out...
In and out...