12th Sept.
9 am
Why does this guy complicate my feelings towards him every time we're alone? Why did I even consider having breakfast with him? Oh that's right, cause he somewhat uplifted my mood yesterday and now I feel indebted.
I was trying to calm myself and at the same time get away from mother. I needed to leave that room and find a place to calm myself down without anyone seeing me like this.
I splashed on my face and dried it trying to control the tears. If I wanted to go to the guys' room, unnoticed, I'd have to have a normal face, not a tear stained one.
Everyone was in the living room, talking and laughing. The guys hadn't exactly accepted Mr Pavilion but they were being civil.
"Little angel" Uncle C called out
"Yea?"
"They're calling you" and that's when I noticed someone was talking to me.
"What's wrong?" I didn't even bother to recognize whose voice it was; I just put a tight smile on my face, lifted my head.
"Nothing. I'm just ganna hit the shower." And before anyone could question me further I basically rushed to the room.
I didn't shut the door. I didn't wanna alarm them. I'm not much of a touchy feely person and I don't like people to see me in those times.
I was sitting by the window, leaning on it. I kept sobbing, while Uncle C was trying his best to calm me down.
I don't know how long passed but I heard someone enter the room. I froze. It wasn't visible but I was pretty scared at that moment.
"What's wrong?" I let out the breath I was holding. So at my weakest he gets to see me. I found it rather ironic at that moment; don't know why but that's exactly how I felt.
I didn't bother to answer, fearing my cracked voice would give me away; I didn't even bother to look back at him. Then I noticed the window in front, it was like a mirror reflecting everything.
My eyes widened. By now I had managed to stop my tears, but because I was so scared to move, when he entered, there were stains all over my face. My eyes and nose were all red; it was evident what I was doing here.
I sighed.
"You look different without your glasses." I looked up in the window looking at him. I was silently begging him to leave and even forget seeing me like this. My face was expressionless but it was transparent in my eyes.
"Hmm...How should I say this...um...your eyes look smaller without your glasses." He wasn't going to leave, he knew it, I knew it.
"If I hadn't done a background check before, I would think you were adopted." He was trying very hard to start a conversation. I'd call that sweet, if I saw this being done to someone else, but to me it was plain irksome.
"The resemblance is so uncanny"
"What about you? You look somewhat Asian" It's true, he does.
"My dad; he's from around Asia" He answered nocturnally, however his voice sounded a bit cheerier. I'd know if I saw his face, but I was trying not to look at the window.
I just nodded.
"Aren't you going to ask me further? About my dad?" I could hear the wonder in his voice.
"Hasn't really got much to do with me"
"Not true." He said laughing to himself. I didn't bother to ask further so he took the liberty to answer on his own.
"He's basically your father-in-law" oh! So he was talking about that.
"We're not married" I reminded him
"Yet" he added, chuckling to himself.
I turned around. If he was really going to get involved in all this, I needed to set some things straight. I turned around and looked him straight in the eye. "Listen; I'm going with all of this simply because my mother likes you; somewhat and you fit all of my criteria." I stopped letting the word sink in.
He thought over it for a second and then nodded at me to carry on.
"I'm going to want a divorce as soon as I'm married off. I don't wanna be tied down, and mostly in my part it's a way to safely get away from my family without having to answer that many questions. I don't believe in love or whatever. I want to be a free bird, no more cages, and for them to willingly let me go forever is by getting married off." Again I waited a bit before continuing, to let him understand it all. By now his face was emotionless.
Again all he did was nod.
"The second reason is so that I can complete a damn sunhat, something which is a must do in our religion. All of this simply like a business deal for me. I want to have as minimal contact with you as possible. Please take away all the gifts you brought. I even talked it out with my Uncle. He agrees; I don't want to be indebted to you. After this ends; let us never cross paths ever again..."
"Are you done?" I never expected to be interrupted by him, much less this rudely.
"One more thing" I waited for him to give me the go. I took his silence as just that and lifted my left hand towards him
"Take it off"
"You tried before?"
I wanted to roll my eyes "Yes" duh! I did.
"First, can you do me a favour?" His voice was deeper now.
"Depends" I never blindly agree to things...most of the time....
"Hear me out?" his voice was back to normal now. He was smiling now.
I nodded
"You're horribly selfish, you know that? And also a coward. Can you not trust me for a bit? I refuse to take that ring off your finger. It's the only thing that shows any existence of "this" promise of marriage that you constantly speak of as a business contract. I am very possessive of what's mine Y, don't make me trap you. As for the presents, I'll take all the unopened ones back. Next time we meet just try to be a bit more civil. I don't bite, well...not most of the times." A wink and he left out the door.
His words rang clear in my head. Never once did he raise his voice, not a single change. It was his smile that kept getting darker and darker, until he changed the topic completely at the end.
I should've been madder, he did threaten me. But more than that, I was relaxed. He made me vent out my frustration at him. I wasn't sad over mum's words anymore.
So today when he asked to join me for breakfast; after helping me get ready, I didn't refuse. Plus Zaira's sitting with us.
He hasn't said much about yesterday and neither have I. I'm grateful for that, though he was acting like a creep this morning.
Everyone left without me because I was not getting up; apparently Mr Pavilion was given the duty to wake me up. All he did was keep staring at me till I woke up on my own. That was creepy. I didn't say much and bypassed him towards the bathroom.
Because I was getting late, he offered to help me dress. I was never shy about nakedness; not that I go around nakedly, I dress quite modestly; so I agreed. He helped me, thanks to which I could reach the breakfast in time.
The day after tomorrow we're leaving. I'm kinda ganna miss a lot of things. Malaysia really grew on me.
PS I tried some cold noodles today. Tastes yucky!
5 pm.
We wasted all morning and half the afternoon getting to know each other. Well I was just watching TV so that's beside the point. All the elders were out, doing different errands. I really wanted to go out to speedy; the DVD shop.
I need to get some anime. Animax has been gone for so long. The anime that I did get back at home aren't enough. I know it sounds trivial, but to me it is very important. I wish I had the words to explain how important. If only I could make someone understand how I feel about that.
We're leaving soon. I don't want to leave without any anime. It would kill me. Call me overdramatic, but it's really important to me.
I was first fascinated by anime, when my dad died. I was shuffling through the channels, when I came across it. REC was playing. What attracted me was the beautiful drawings and the amazing colours.
I've always been a sucker for art. After that it just went from there. So technically, anime was my anti-depressant, when my dad passed away, even before I met Uncle C . It means a lot to me and I need more of it.
I've also been addicted to manga; another word for Japanese comic. When we came here, I was reading fated to love you. It's a nice manga. I'm looking forward to reading more chapters.
It really does make me wonder; doesn't Mr Pavilion have anything to do? He's here all the time. It wouldn't annoy me as much, if he'd just ignore me, but no! He has to try to talk or flirt with me every chance he gets.
Even now when I'm trying so hard to kick him out of the room so that I can take care of my..um..you know..yea.
Look at him sitting across me giving me that creepy all-knowing smirk. Wait...I think I might...noway..but..it should be fun to give it a try.....
7 pm
Ahh...nothing beats a hot bath .I really love this view. I have to admit it's much better, much later at night; but seriously this is probably it.
Ok, shouldn't have said that. I honestly hate that sentence; thanks to a particular Uncle C , but let's not go there and ruin the peace. Right now, as I'm looking out the window at this magnificent city and the wonderful sky coming together as a beautiful picture I can leave most of my worries hidden behind it.
It might not make any sense; well I know it doesn't, but still, it's like this blanket that is placed over my eyes and I can't look beyond it. A veil that can cover the.....for a bit.
I should really be getting out by now.
11 pm
So mum's back. I'm exhausted. I kinda feel guilty about not telling anyone about this but really I can't just go and tell them that I teased Mr pavilion before going to take a shower; which might've ended up me sleeping with him afterwards.
Sigh...I'm not ashamed or anything, plus it was their fault for leaving two hormonal teenagers together, all alone under the same roof, in the same suite. Plus if they wanted me to marry him, this was something they probably hoped would happen along the way, anyway.
I'm not really dwelling over it; it's just that what if the room service says something to someone. Mr Pavilion paid her, but still...if she does, what do I do then. It was apparent when we asked her to hurry and quickly take away the blood stained sheets that we were clearly hiding something.
She seemed to be the greedy type but didn't say much. Honestly what can you say when you see a thirteen year old and a seventeen year old trying to hide a bloody bed sheet along with the mattress in less than ten minutes ; And dressed the way we...ok, I was...what do I do?
I know I shouldn't have joked with him by pretending to give him a blowjob. I was just playing with him. Who asked him to come at me right after I came out of my shower and start kissing me?
That's when I'm the horniest and also the sleepiest. I can hardly even remember the pain let alone pleasure. I'm not on drugs or anything; I'm usually like that when I'm sleepy. I do feel bad that I did it behind mum's back but what's worse is that I did it with my own fiancé.
Let's explain why that's a bad, well REALLY BAD thing. If it were a stranger, they wouldn't have been giving me disappointed looks while I freaked out about how to hide all this from my mum. They would've picked up their belongings as soon as they got up and never EVER try to contact me again; because that's what a casual fuck is; not a guy who gives you a haunted look, where else tries to cover everything up before you mother comes so that he can appear like a good...whatever he is to her.
Honestly none of it scares me more than if he tries to blackmail me with this information.
GOD! I wanted nothing to do with him! It was just a prank; and I ended up sleeping with him! AGH!
One thing I know for sure, after all my experience with all the smut I've read; He isn't going to let this go.