The next day, I was determined to be more… villainous. No more accidental heroism or flirting with stealthy superheroes. Today, Miles Corbin would embrace his destiny as the Lavender Lout (a name I was starting to resent, by the way).
The Malice Media System, ever the enthusiastic sidekick, had helpfully suggested a target: the grand opening of "Sir Reginald's Nut Emporium," a ridiculously upscale store that sold artisanal nuts at prices that could fund a small nation. My plan? To replace all their fancy roasted almonds with… regular, unsalted peanuts. The sheer audacity! The economic disruption! The… mild inconvenience? Okay, maybe my villainous ambitions still needed some work.
Armed with a bag of cheap peanuts and a renewed sense of (slightly misguided) purpose, I set up my helmet cam.
『Greetings, returning rogue! Anticipation levels are high. Remember, menace is key!』
"Menace incoming, oh digital deity," I grumbled, adjusting my voice modulator to its deepest, most constipated-bear setting.
Sir Reginald's Nut Emporium was exactly as pretentious as it sounded. Gleaming mahogany shelves displayed meticulously arranged piles of nuts, each with a tiny, handwritten label boasting about its origin and roasting process. The clientele consisted mostly of well-dressed individuals with an air of bored superiority. Perfect targets for my… nutty subterfuge.
I started subtly switching the almonds with peanuts, trying to look inconspicuous, which was difficult when I was whispering threats to bags of cashews.
『Warning! Security personnel approaching. Recommendation: Initiate a dramatic distraction.』
A uniformed guard was indeed heading my way, his brow furrowed with suspicion. Think, Miles, think! Dramatic distraction… what would a true villain do? Probably set off an explosion or something. But all I had were peanuts.
Then I saw it. A squirrel had somehow managed to sneak into the Emporium and was currently causing chaos near a display of macadamia nuts, its tiny paws scattering the expensive treats.
An idea, as nutty as my current mission, popped into my head.
"Fear not, citizens!" I boomed, my voice echoing through the hushed store. "For I, the Lavender Lout, have unleashed my furry minion of mayhem!"
I pointed dramatically at the squirrel, which was now attempting to bury a macadamia in a potted fern. The guard stopped in his tracks, utterly bewildered. The well-dressed patrons gasped and recoiled in horror from the tiny, fluffy agent of chaos.
『Brilliant! Unconventional yet effective! Viewer engagement spiking!』
While everyone was distracted by the rogue rodent, I quickly finished swapping the almonds for peanuts. My mission was… surprisingly successful.
As the guard tried to apprehend the squirrel (a task he was clearly ill-equipped for), I made my escape, a triumphant (if slightly ridiculous) grin on my face.
Back in my apartment, the online 반응 was… unexpected.
[NuttyJustice: OMG the squirrel! Best villain sidekick ever! #SquirrelSquad]
[AntiLoutLeague: This guy is still a joke. Using a squirrel as a weapon? Seriously?]
[SparkleFan77: He's so creative! I love his chaotic energy! <3]
[NightshadeOfficial: (Verified) Interesting tactics, Lavender Lout. You certainly keep things… lively. 😉]
Nightshade commented again! And she used a winky face! My heart did a weird little flutter that I immediately tried to suppress. This was not a dating app! This was my villain origin story! (Sort of.)
The Malice Media System was practically throwing a digital party.
『Congratulations! You have successfully executed 'The Great Nut Heist' (minor inconvenience tier)! You've gained 5,000 new followers and unlocked the 'Master of Distraction' skill (Tier 1)! Your online popularity is… concerningly high for someone attempting villainy.』
Concerningly high was an understatement. I was gaining more fans for my failures than I ever thought possible for actual success. It was like the internet had decided that my ineptitude was my superpower.
That night, I decided to actually interact with my viewers during a live Q&A. My voice modulator was still set to grumpy bear, which made answering questions about my favorite color (purple, obviously) sound strangely threatening.
One question stood out:
[AskLavender: Are you single? Asking for a friend. 😉]
The chat exploded with variations of the same question. Apparently, my online persona, for all its lack of actual villainy, was… appealing?
Before I could come up with a suitably menacing (and non-committal) answer, a new message flashed across the screen, highlighted in blue.
NightshadeOfficial:(Verified) He's… complicated. 😉
The chat went absolutely ballistic. #Loutshade was officially trending. My attempts at villainy were being overshadowed by a bizarre online romance with a superhero who kept leaving cryptic comments on my streams.
This was not how I envisioned my rise to power. Not at all. But one thing was becoming increasingly clear: in the age of online fame, even failure could be a superpower. And apparently, so could awkward flirting with the city's stealthiest hero.