Cue the dramatic anime opening that no one asked for:
"THE WORLD IS YOURS IF YOU KILL YOUR DAD!"—Some motivational quote probably, somewhere in this chaotic system.
Alexander Connors—assassin-in-training, Marvel universe transplant, and proud member of the Church of Otaku—tightened his stolen stealth suit. It was clearly a low-level piece of equipment, probably made by interns at the System's sweatshop. No armor rating, limited noise suppression, and it smelled suspiciously like a Hot Topic dumpster on fire.
"If Batman can start with dead parents, I can start with a dad who's about to turn into a six-foot iguana with anger issues."
He checked the Glock. One mag. No suppressor. No backup.Awesome.
Then he looked at the Bonus Objective again:
[Inject the Lizard Serum into yourself.]
"So… I kill dad, steal his goop, and turn myself into a sexy lizard assassin? What is this, 'Florida Man: Origins'?"
Downstairs – The Lab of Doom (and Terrible Parenting)
Dr. Curtis Connors, single father, biologist, and soon-to-be-salad-for-Spider-Man, was hunched over a cluttered desk. Green serum bubbled in a glass vial next to a robotic arm twitching like a horror movie extra.
"Soon… soon I will heal! Evolution is the answer! I shall become whole again!"
Alexander peeked around the corner like a poorly paid Scooby-Doo extra, whispering:
"And that's how every future kaiju monologue starts…"
He checked the quest again.
[Kill Dr. Curtis Connors.]
[Optional: Do it without being spotted.]
[Optional-Optional: Make it funny.]
"Oh, now that's a side quest made for me."
Alexander tiptoed closer. Every creaky floorboard felt like a jump scare.
Dr. Connors turned, syringe in hand.
Alexander froze.Connors stared.Alexander stared back.Connors squinted.
"…Alexander? What are you wearing?""It's called fashion, dad. Look it up.""Is that a… gun?"
Alexander sighed, raising the weapon.
"Listen, Dad… I love you. But you're about five seconds away from turning into a reptilian rage monster. And I've played enough Resident Evil to know how that ends."
Connors' eyes widened. "You don't understand! This serum will change everything! Humanity will evolve—!"
"And I will have the High-Frequency Blade from Metal Gear Solid. This is called priorities, my dude."
[DING!] – Skill Unlocked: Sarcasm Shot (Lv. 1)[+5 Confusion to all NPCs within earshot.]
Alexander fired. A clean shot—right through the arm holding the serum.
The vial flew through the air in slow motion.
"Oh crap, I just triggered a cutscene."
The glass shattered. Green liquid splashed everywhere.
Dr. Connors screamed, convulsing. Bones cracked. His skin scaled over.
"...You had one job, Alex," he muttered, watching as his dad Hulked out into Marvel's favorite sewer mascot.
The Lizard roared.The system pinged.
[Quest Failed: Kill Dr. Connors Before Transformation.]
[New Quest: Kill The Lizard.][Bonus Objective: Don't Die.][Reward: Still the High-Frequency Blade. Because we're nice.]
"Gee. Thanks. Now I get to play Monster Hunter: Dysfunctional Dad Edition."
Mini-Boss Battle: Lizard Dad
Alexander ducked behind a desk as a giant claw crushed the wall where his head had been.
"Note to self: Next time, bring grenades. Or a therapist."
He popped out and emptied the clip into the Lizard's chest.It worked about as well as you'd expect in a Marvel boss fight.
"Okay, okay. Think, Alex. What would Batman do?""Gadget spam and trauma dump."
Then he remembered the vial in his utility belt—the one labeled "Anime Protagonist Blood Sample."
He stabbed it into his neck.
"Please let this be Goku. Please let this be Goku."
His muscles twitched. His hair spiked slightly. His shirt? Dramatically torn.
[Temporary Buff: Shōnen Protagonist Mode – 5 minutes.][+50% Agility, +25% Plot Armor, +1 Epic Background Theme (Non-copyright).]
Alexander cartwheeled past the Lizard and landed on top of a table.
"Time for the power of friendship—wait, nope. No friends. Just bullets and sarcasm!"
He grabbed a nearby electrical prod and jammed it into a loose wire, zapping the Lizard mid-roar.Electricity surged.The monster collapsed.
"...Did I just Home Alone a supervillain?"
[DING!]
[Boss Defeated: The Lizard.][Quest Completed.]
[Reward Granted: High-Frequency Blade.]
A sleek, vibrating blade materialized in a flash of light, humming with power and anime protagonist vibes.
"Sweet. Now I can finally cut through plot armor and cheese."
As he stood over his passed-out reptilian dad, blade in hand, shirt dramatically open, a new message blinked:
[System Update Available: Unlock "Assassin's Arsenal" Menu?]
"Depends. Does it come with a katana and dual pistols?"[Yes.]
"Then click that thing faster than a weeb in a waifu poll."
Alexander smirked at the fourth wall.
"Stay tuned, nerds. Because next episode, I'm going full John Wick meets Kill la Kill. And maybe... just maybe... I'll adopt Spider-Man and call him my emotional support sidekick."
[TO BE CONTINUED…]